Self disappointment/self sabotaging behaviours help?

[Casualfriday]

I always manage to disappoint myself which leads to negative self talk, and subsequent self sabotaging then takes place... preventing me from completing future tasks which then leaves me feeling disappointed etc... and so the vicious cycle continues. Does anybody else struggle with this? My sense of self efficacy is virtually gone and I feel like a totally useless, incompetent person. How do I break the cycle and commit to changing different things that I don’t like about myself instead of whinging about it. It’s so frustrating and depressing.

[therising]

Hi Casualfriday

I find some key strategies that work for me involve #1 Assess the challenge, #2 Disappoint myself from any challenges that serve no productive purpose and #3 Set out to master my accepted challenge/s with a plan. The plan may sometimes involve seeking the help of others. By the way, I can have plenty of challenges appointed to me in life that I find to be time consuming and highly unproductive; I regard them as a waste of my time. I see dis-appointment as a great tool in my bag of tricks for living.

During my years in depression, I used to see a lot of things as stressors that I was hopeless at facing, undertaking and/or completing. It's taken me a seriously long time to now see stressors as challenges. Rising to almost every challenge (great or small) is what sees me consciously evolve. One of my mantras: In stress there is tension and discomfort, in challenge there is the opportunity to see change. As I say, it took a seriously long time for me to change my perception.

Interesting you mention self efficacy. There is a great book by Nathaniel Branden called 'The Six Pillars of Self-esteem'. Definitely worth a read. The foundations - Self efficacy and Self respect. The 6 pillars - The practice of living consciously, the practice of self-acceptance, the practice of self-responsibility, the practice of self-assertiveness, the practice of living purposefully and the practice of personal integrity. He mentions that they definitely all take a lot of practice. I found the first (living consciously) to be the most challenging and the most interesting. As I say, we have a lot of subconscious beliefs that run on autopilot.

Yes, we can definitely have those moments where we feel like our own worst enemy but the challenge to overcoming this involves first realising that we never put a lot of our beliefs in our head. Others often did this for us, typically from birth onward. There are so many little subconscious things in our head that add up to us perceiving our self in the wrong light. 'I am better than my old beliefs' is another helpful mantra that allows us to recognise our self in a truthful light. The reason it took me so long to master this (49 years actually) - I started from scratch and began questioning everything I'd ever been led to believe. My kids are grateful they now how a mum who not only consciously guides them but also encourages them to be their most authentic self in the process of mastering life.

🙂

[White_Rose]

Dear Casualfriday and a wave to therising

Welcome to the forum. I see you have already written several posts so you know your way round the forum. Have you looked at the information available on beyondblue? Look under The Facts above, some of it may be useful to you.

I see therising has given you lots of excellent suggestions. Great stuff. We all have our personal ways of managing but it can be most helpful to learn how others cope in similar situations. Sometimes the suggestions open a whole new world that we have never thought of. I looked up the book therising suggested and I see it's considered an excellent guide to raising your self esteem.

I agree with therising that we need to look at our lives using different spectacles. I know this is true for me. Something pretty traumatic happened to me a few years ago and I have struggled to manage it. Not done too well. However I was discussing this with my doctor and saying there was nothing I could do about it. The past has gone and I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. A pretty futile job I'm sure you agree but I thought the only way to get over this was to change the scenario. Yeah right. Good luck with that.

Instead she encouraged me to look at what I can learn from this, what was useful to carry forward, even why it was so traumatic. Much as therising has said but in my case, specifically addressing my situation. Now I know all this. In fact it would be a standard answer to anyone trying to get over the past. So why haven't started this journey? Well I believe I have but keep getting stuck at various times such as being unwell or tired etc. Doesn't take much to throw us off track I find. Plus we are much better at making suggestions than using them for ourselves.

Like therising I find it hard work. Make no mistake about this. But oh the reward when you get it right, even a small part is cause for celebration. As in any mental health situations we do go backwards and forwards and it can be dispiriting when we lapse into our old ways. Two steps forward and one back is common. Try to remember at these times that you have overall moved one step forward. It is these small steps that get us recognising and using our abilities.

I do urge to try therising's suggestions. Post here as often as you want. I look forward to learning about your successful journey.

Mary