Transient.

[Girl_Anachronism]

If someone asked me "How are you?" that would be my honest answer right now. Transient. I feel like I am inbetween one place and the next,except I can't see what that next place is. I'm going somewherebut i don't know where I am going. Is this bad? I know I'd prefer to know where I was going, to give me a goal to work towards so I could speed this up. I don't enjoy being in between. It makes me feel like there's no point making a home here, because I am going to be somewhere else and where I am right now isn't permanent.

Lately I haven't felt anything. Like in my head I should be feeling something right now, but I can't. I can't feel anything, good or bad. It makes me wonder if there is real emotion there and my head is hiding it from me because it is too painful to feel right now. Like I open up a door and instead of finding answers, I just find a sudden deep black abyss. There should be something there, not a hole. Do I not know the answers? Or is my own head protecting me from them?

If my  head is protecting itself from them, then how could I trust myself. How can I trust what I think or feel at a given time because it might not be real, it might just be a smokescreen thrown up by a part of my head that thinks it knows better. Can I ever trust even simple things like I do like that movie or I don't like that show. These questions are the wind that blows up from the abyss, dark and cold as I stand there looking at it and feeling nothing.

I don't know if this even makes any sense to anyone else. Maybe I am truly losing it right now. I don't even know if I feel bad right now.

GA

[JessF]

No it makes total sense. I thought I'd been feeling pretty good lately, one of the reasons I decided to join and start posting because I wanted to give something back and be among other people who understood after a dreadful year last year.  Sometimes I didn't think i could trust my own thoughts, I lost passion for things I'd loved my whole life and it made no sense, then I got depressed about that. I got indecisive, which I'm not normally, then I got depressed about THAT.

Then last night I was having a crap sleep with the heat and woke up in the middle of the night with the most splitting headache I've had in quite some time. (And yes I was being good and making sure I'm drinking plenty of water!) This morning I feel like a zombie and I was looking into the mirror just a few minutes ago with all the things that have been me happy in the last month seeming miles away and I started to panic.  

I've made a cup of coffee and tried to reboot my brain like a duff computer. I guess the point of this ramble is that sometimes I think we can overthink things. They can make total sense but they don't necessarily help. 

This is going to make me sound like some buddhist monk but make peace with the transience. Sometimes the bits in between are fun. last week I missed a train and had to wait another half an hour and spent the time paying attention to all the little things around me, the people, wondering about their lives, the buildings, the trees...I used to think that kind of mindfulness was utter rubbish, but the time just flew.  A year ago I would have stood there seething with fury about having to wait.

I hope some of THAT makes sense!

[Neil_1]

Hi GA

That’s a good post and by the way, welcome back … it’s good to hear from you as I believe it’s been a little while since you’ve posted.

You’re on your medications yeah?  Your medications are given to help your mind/your brain in that they deliver/release chemicals to help you combat the evil/the mental illness.  I have no doubt that what is happening is that you CAN trust yourself, because you are getting on a bit of an even keel at the moment … even though there are questions that are unanswerable at this moment in time, further down the track I believe you’ll find a place where the answers will be revealed.

It’s not a smokescreen (excellent analogy by the way) … it’s your mind and your meds working together and as a result they’re letting you actually enjoy something (like a movie) or to feel something (like what a crap show that was). These are my thoughts on your post.  I have no idea if I’m right or wrong, but just my answer to the post you’ve proposed.

With regard to the first para and the travel that you’re doing … I think it gels really well for how the rest of your post went;   in that you’re in an inbetween stage, and I think this is due to your meds doing their best work for you plus all the professional help you’ve been receiving – that you appear to be seeing things ever so slightly clearer than before. 

I think you’re on a journey “from” a bad place (where you’ve been for a long while now) and that you’re making slow steps forward … to a better place.  This place won’t be the ‘be all and end all’ of places with everything that you could possibly wish – not yet – it’s way too soon and way too close to the awful place that you’ve been in. This place you’re heading to will be definitely better … and as you travel to it, or even get to it, there might be doors there that open and ‘may’ just reveal some answers that you’re searching for.  If you find a door that opens and has that dark abyss, slam it shut immediately and move away from there.  And try to forget that … and move to another area that is better … more positive.

GA, I hope I’ve made sense with this post for you … cause if I haven’t you’re probably sitting back thinking that Neil is stark raving mad (again) and has been munching on those hash cookies for his morning tea!

But just before I finish, your post was excellent and I felt a real positiveness coming out of it for you.

Kind regards

Neil

ps:  someone says, "How are you today?"   Answer:  "I'm transient thank you".  And just watch their face!  i LOVE it.

[Mares73]

Hi GA how are you today? Sorry I'm in a bad way myself but I wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you & that I don't think  you are losing it. Sometimes with this illness we can experience feelings of being numb. It could be a kind of reaction or defence mechanism to the feelings you have under the surface. But what you are feeling and experiencing is real & you need to trust yourself because you do have insight into what your experiencing. And sometimes we can go round & round in circles overanalysing what we feel. You sound like you are doubting yourself & feeling transient is slightly ironic in that your feelings and experiences are transient at the moment. I may be making no sense at all. So ill leave it for now & end by saying I hope today you feel a little more confident & grounded. My thoughts are with you. Lve Mares cx

[Jo3]

Hi GA

Just wanted to say that I am thinking of you while you're going through this tough time.  

I hope you have a nice day today.  Take care

Jo xx

[Girl_Anachronism]

Thanks for all the posts guys. I wish I could be my normal posting self but lately I just don't know much about myself. Or what I am doing. Or anything really. I don't feel like I have that strength to lend to others. Which makes it worse when I post this, because I am asking for help without giving anything in return.

I am released from the hospital today so a few psych appointments this week, but at least I am at home now.

Jess- I know what you mean about vicious circles of thoughts. I tend to overthink things but when I have little else to distract me and it is to do with my head so I don't know how to fight it except to think. Just some thoughts aren't helpful.

I am trying to accept the transience and enjoy it but it is so hard to relax, I don't like being in between. Its just not comfortable and I have never been without a goal or plan or something to look at on the horizon.

Neil- Damn you for making me laugh. I am the kind of person that I might just be game enough to say that to someone.

Yes I am on my new meds at the moment. Little to no sideaffects, but I am not sure I am enjoying transience. I like being a place I am going to stay. Nothing feels worth it unless its going to be long term. Feelings of worthlessness are a big bad sign. Giant red flag but it's how I feel. That and being numb mean there's two giant red flags on my horizon but at the same time this is meant to be good? THis is how normal people feel? I have never felt this way before.

This all scares me. No scratch that. It terrifies me. This is not a place I am used to or feel comfortable in. Does that mean I have always been screwed up, if this is normal? Thats probably overthinking again.

I just wish I could feel more right now. Maybe it would be bad, but it would more what I am used to and I might know what to do.

Jo and Mares- Thankyou so much for replying. It means so much more when I know you aren't in a fantastic place either. Despite that, you gathered the strength to treply to me. Because you thought I was worth it, even if I don't know what I feel about myself. Even if I don't feel at all at the moment.

GA

[Beetle]

Hi GA

Oh wow reading your post was kinda inspiring. I am not that good with words-sort of struggle to bringing across what I want to say. I have been reading a lot but haven't posted. I can relate to your uneasiness and 'terrification" ( I love my word creations..) of the transiency. But maybe that's exactly what u gotta accept and learn? Maybe that's not what u wanna hear though..... I am on meds and when I started them I was grateful so bloody grateful for the transient feeling. It took away all the negative thoughts thouhg.It also dampened every other emotion.  I still think the med took away part of my emotions. However I believe I had too many intense emotions before which made life unbearable.

Normal people? what normal people? I guess we are all a bit screwed up, One more than the other. I was screwed up big time my whole life, in my opinion, since I could not rest and sit quietly and do the mindfulness thing.I was always on the edge.

Now looking back I guess its important to not sweat the small stuff. Like missing a train or getting cut off or tailgaided. I found the meds made me take things less serious, less emotional. I don't react all the time which is terribly exhausting.Thats a good thing since I can now function.

I can only pass on my experience with the transient feeling: try to accept it. try to just "be" and don't try to 'become"/ A psych told me that and it has really helped me.We don't have to work towards something ALL the time. its ok to just sit and relax.

Alow yourself to sit and relax. Allow yourself to enjoy stuff. allow yourself to cut off the anxiety in your back which is always telling you: go go go

Not sure if this all makes sense, since im not good with words. but maybe it helps u to get through this difficult time

Heaps of love'

Beetle

[Girl_Anachronism]

I wish I could reply to your post with the attention it deserves Beetle. Its just too much effort to do more than curl up in a ball and think about how I wish I could cry right now.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.