tired of a cruel world

[cazza]

hay I know I am messed up have anxiety depression cant stop cleaning at all hours of the night and day my family have notice it I even go to my to my mums and clean god I don't want her to know I feel this bad always tried to protect her and my little sisters my mum left my dad when I was 13 we went to live with nana and pop I thought we were going to b safe but that was a living hell mum had 9 brothers and to sisters it was not long before her dad was sexual abusing me but I did want to tell mum I felt ashamed and did not want her to go back to dad and get bashed to death always had to help she was so loving but it all came out 1 year later nana called me a hoar 4 god sake I was a 14 year old girl and then the un think able she went back to dad well I told her nothing happened but it did and dad a raging man beat her again to this day mum thinks her dad a nice bloke well I kept that all to my self until my sister had twin girls took me a little while then she told she was going to see them well her girl were 2 I told her don't hate me but don't let that monster near your kids I would not let my son out of my site let alone any where near my boy but when I saw nana I could see the sorrow in her heart so I didn't tell anyone until last year when I did see her all she could say was sorry I think all that pain has not helped pop is still alive I wont feel safe until he dies still have nightmares about it and I am 35 now always have wanted to end it but the guilt of putting my mum though any more pain keeps me alive when I had my son he saved me I was cold to the world had tuned off until I had him I could never under stand how they all could hurt the ones you r suppose to protect is life really worth living if I have to lose my house I don't know what I will do

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear cazza,

I just don't understand how a cry for help posting like this can remain unresponded to for nearly 4 days.   You went through so much with the sexual abuse.  You held it in for so many years.  You tried to protect the rest of the family.  I mean, you are a hero in my eyes.

Maybe it's not too late to get some counselling.  Most counselling takes you through your life anyway but this would be specific.   Is this the same cazza that wondered about being bipolar ?   I responded on that post.   But the child abuse wasn't mentioned just you crazy partner and an up and down relationship.

I had emotional and physical abuse as a kid but not sexual.    It's something that crops up from time to time when I am being controlled or given a hard time.   There's no way to escape the memory or pain.  It just never goes away.   You are doing well just to have a relationship of sorts after what you've been through.

And having the perpetrator live a lie all those years............that's tough.  I guess the Royal Commission into child sexual abuse will be tapped into by many Australians.  Did you ever think to register and have it out with some logic, maturity and support ?    Your mum might even always have known so playiing the "guilt of putting my mum through any more pain" might not cut it.   It's possible that she would be in more pain if she found out later.

I'm sorry no one responded earlier.   You were really reaching out.

Adios, David.

[Belle]

Hi Cazza,

Thanks you for sharing your sad yet very brave story. You have been truly strong to hang in there, given all the pain you have gone through. You should feel so immensely proud of yourself and your own strength, not just for your resilience to not giving up, but also to your want to protect your sister's children and your mother despite your own personal grief. 

I know things can be so bad in the world and sometimes we are the unfortunate ones who suffer through such things but no matter how bad things get, please don't give up - the world needs more people with your kind of strength and bravery. 

As David suggested above, seeking some level of professional help may help to lessen the burden of holding in these things for so long, which may give you enough relief to begin to breathe again.

Here is a list of websites that may help you seek more specific advice and support: http://www.casa.org.au/links/ 

The other thing I would like to suggest, is have you thought about maybe volunteering to share your story with other adults/children who have also gone through similar things? You could help through counseling or guest speaking which can help others in such difficult situations by knowing that they aren't alone. With sexual abuse being so widespread through our community and often going unreported your voice would be so valuable to help raise awareness and pass on your strength to others. The organisations listed in the linked site above, may have such programs for volunteers, so it is worth having a look. 

Also, it is clear that you care a lot for your son, mum and sister so it is important to try and build a supportive network with them and with any close friends you have, so you can share and build a more stable loving future together and stop the cycle of abuse from continuing as it so sadly often does. There is also always criminal action against your pop that you can take as what he did is a crime and punishable by law. I know that is a difficult step to take especially when it is against a member of a family. 

But either way you need to now just look after yourself and your children (and partner?) so that you can make sure you and they live a safe and loved life from here on in (which it sounds like you are already doing with you son).   

Thank you for sharing your story as I am sure it has already touched many readers, even if they haven't responded. As one we are strong but as many we are stronger.