Thoughts from me

[Sum_mer20]

Hello to whomever is reading this, right now it’s 8:01pm and I’ve decided to just right things down. I’m struggling with my mental health and I think I’ve begun to admit to myself that I am not okay. I am my biggest enemy and I feel so pathetic and worthless. My family thinks I have a full time job when in fact I’m hiding under my bed, it’s been going on for 4months now and I keep lying to them whenever they ask me how work is going. I feel so stressed and angry at myself for being useless. Like I have no excuse but I’m always applying for jobs and I never hear anything. My other problem, is that I’m pretending everything is okay when it’s not. I’m so sad and anxious about everything. The only place that makes me feel good is the gym but that’s only for a little bit and then I go home and I feel so crap about myself. Also, being a black women itself is hard because I feel like I have to prove myself and work harder than anyone else but for what! You know I tried to make myself feel better emotionally and mentally but at the end of the day there is this big rock on my shoulder that keeps dragging me down. I want to be proud of myself and be genuinely happy but why is it so hard? I’m desperate for a job, I’m desperate to love myself and I’m desperate to know that someone is proud of me. Don’t get me wrong my family is amazing especially my big sister because she’s always there for me but knowing that I’m lying to them 24/7 makes me feel sick. I am posting this because I don’t have anyone to talk to and I just want someone to understand. 

[Bob_22]

Hi Sum_mer20,

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. We hear you and are here for you to talk to. I can definitely understand where you're coming from about feeling useless because you do not have a job. I have not worked full time for many years and am no longer financially independent. As a man in his early 30's I sometimes feel inadequete, incompetent and belittled. This is unfortunately the nature of those with mood disorders who naturally have lower self esteem. Although it is important to work for our mental health, not being able to find work does not make us failures. The fact that you are still trying and are able to go to the gym and come here as well is a marker of your strength. It may take time but you will definitely find work if you continue your search. For me, it was simply about applying at the right places and specifically tailoring my CV and cover letter for each unique application. I also would email the hiring manager directly to ask any questions and let them know that I am applying. 

Whilst you continue your job search please be gentle with yourself. I would advise you stay on top of your mental health through professional and social supports. It may be worth having opening up to your sister who sounds like a caring person. If she truly cares about you she will understand and forgive you for lying the last few months. 

I hope this helps a bit and please keep us updated.

Bob