Think I'm done...

[Bigboy31]

Hello all. Not looking for any responses, but I just need to vent in a safe place.

I'm in my mid-40s, and currently working in a job that requires high-volume and repetitive processing. Up to now, I haven't minded that but it is not what I was brought into the company for - I was brought in as a temp to work on a large remediation project. However, priorities within the company have changed and I'm now doing this other work. I was also working in the office largely on my own during lockdown and have struggled coping with people coming back in, surrounding where I work and making a lot of noise. And quite recently I have been blocked on Instagram and had a Facebook friend request rejected by a colleague who up to now I had no problem working with and thought the same back.

Also, since my birthday in early September, my father has been in hospital with lung and knee issues. We know he will still be there for Christmas and because of COVID restrictions imposed by the hospital, my mum and I are not allowed to visit him. Doesn't help that his memory loss is getting worse and that even though we have asked the hospital to provide updates as to what treatment is being given, we have not received anything from them - we only find out by asking ourselves. I have been trying to remain strong for my mum as she is also stressed by what is going on with Dad, but I am really tired now and losing the will to go on.

So, a job I am not enjoying, people I work with have unknown issues with me that make me anxious and nervous about what will happen next, family problems and a total lack of direction about what I want to do or even if I want to do anything. I hate to say this but waking up each day is a huge struggle, going to work is a huge struggle and being a good son is a huge struggle - I think I'm done and am about to cut my losses on a lot of those things - even life itself. To be brutally honest, other than my family I'm pretty sure I won't be missed or remembered fondly, only by people who want something from me rather than just be happy with having me.

Not a way to live a life, is it?

[geoff]

Hello Bigboy, even though you weren't expected to have any replies, it's often good to know that people have read what you've said and are sorry to know you are in this situation.

The position your father is in is difficult to understand why this needs to happen as we get old, and yes I'm old and I can't do what I was able to do 20 years ago and a realisation that young people get older each year.

The will of you to be with your dad, in whatever way you can, is a reason your dad holds on and with the restrictions easing, I'm sure your father wants to talk with you.

As we age, we tend to repeat ourselves, tend to forget what we've said, but this also happens when you're young.

Look after yourself.

Geoff.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Bigboy3147, welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. We are very sorry to hear that you're expereincing these thoughts and feelings, as well as such demoralising challenges.

Holding in mind a few things that you mentioned in your post, we would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

Also, If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

[The_Bro]

Gidday Bigboy31 - Just wanted to touch base with your well written post.

Agreed, it's not a way to live a life at all. The situation with your Dad is pretty sad. However with him and your Mum, you appear to have two people in your life that really rely on you and your strength.

I am a bit older that you and have at times in my life had waves hit me that felt overwhelming - bad luck, losing a job, broken relationship and being called a dick head by a group of so called friends.

You know what? Every wave passed - some quickly, some took ages. I learnt to think a lot about what it was that caused the situation. Sometimes it was me not listening, being interruptive etc, or self centred. I learnt to grow out of the causes, analyse the true cause if the negativity if I could, and invariably things got better.

I do hope that the chances are the same will happen with you once your Dad recovers and your job improves. I spent two Christmases ago in hospital, feeling pretty sorry for myself. Later I learnt it was much harder for my wife and family who were feeling terrible on my behalf! So I think it's very important to stay strong and positive for your Mum and Dad.

All the very best, thanks again for the post - happy to chat further at any time.

Regards, The Bro