Drowning yet Breathing fine

[Jordon23]

I'm not rly sure what to say, i'm just venting ig.

I have struggled with Suicidal depression for almost half my life. I'm almost 20 and have been struggling with depression since I was 10 and have been suicidal since I was 13. Almost 7 years later and about 4ish years since all the bullying, harassment and exclusion has stopped since i left at the end of year 10 and my life is flourishing. I have finished 3 years studying something I love, started a job that i rly like and am surrounded by great people. So i am so F***ing angry that i still feel like i want to fall asleep and never wake up. I have literally almost everything good going for me in life and have so much to be thankful for but my default mood always goes right back to not wanting to be alive anymore. I'm surrounded by amazing people yet feel so disconnected from them and feel like they would be better off without me. I have never felt like I truly fit in anywhere and have never had a proper friend group that hand on my heart could say that I could depend on them.

I hate myself so much and I see no reason why I do, but I also know exactly why. All I can see is how much I hurt people and make them feel uncomfortable because I find it very hard to read people and as a result, unintentionally cross boundaries all the time. I'm always interested in something else people are interested in and I feel like I just let everyone down all the time. In a weird way, I find it funny to call myself suicidal because I never actively planned to commit suicide, BUT I have hurt myself multiple times and thinking "I'm doing this to punish myself but If it goes worse, just let it happen". People keep seeing how I'm hurting physically and ask me what's wrong but I don't want to tell them because their lives are happy and I don't want to burden them with something they can't understand or control.

My life is progressing so well and so quickly yet I feel so stuck and feel like I'm drowning and every breath I take feels like a sin. I won't actually do anything because I know how much it hurts people, but I cant seem to get better permenately regardless of meds and therapy. I just don't know what else to do.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Jordon23,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing what has been going on for you.

We are sorry to hear that you have been struggling with these heavy feelings for such a long time. We can only imagine how hard this must be for you, especially when things in your life seem to be progressing so well. We want to remind you that all life is important, including yours. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

If you would like to talk to someone, the Beyond Blue Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you will find some comfort here on the forums. Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Jordan23

I’m not a doctor but a mum who has cared for a child who fell seriously I’ll with a mental health condition at age 13. Like you, she experienced bullying, carved a unique path through the education system to achieve her goals and still struggles today (now in her early 20s). So my comments come from this perspective …

You are an amazing human being. You have experienced more illness than any child should have to endure and yet you have had great success in life. You are obviously resilient, determined and brave. You have much to be proud of. Never forget that.

But I know you are tired, frustrated, angry and wanting more. I get it. It’s just not fair. You have a piece of my heart.

From my experience, dealing with mental health issues as a child and through adolescence has an impact on a person’s development into an adult. Sometimes due to the affects of illness a person misses developmental steps and opportunities to learn and grow that others naturally have through interactions with peers, friends, teachers, sport, etc. None of this is your fault.

This could explain why you have trouble reading people and situations. But this is something you can learn and I would talk to your therapist about this. If there are people in your life that you trust you can also tell them what you’re working on and ask if it’s okay to bounce things off them.

It’s okay to ask, “Why do you think he reacted this way?” Or, “What would you do in this situation?” Or, “What went wrong in this situation?”

I understand you are reluctant to share your struggles with the people around you but I want to gently challenge that thinking. If people are asking questions about your well-being they are likely concerned and the interest shows they care.

You won’t be burdening them, trust me I know. If they’re anything like me it will be a relief to know what’s happening and be able to help. They might not have all the answers but a shoulder to lean on right now will help.

I think your persistent and default low mood is concerning. I’d like to suggest you seek a medication review with a psychiatrist. From my experience sometimes a tweak to your dose or even a change can help and psychiatrists are generally better at medication management than GPs.

I think it’s 100 per cent okay to have unique interests. That’s part of what makes you special. You are enough, you are valuable—just the way you are.

Kind thoughts to you

[The_Bro]

Hi Jordan23 and welcome to the forum.

I really feel for you as it must be so very hard coping with those thoughts. I also think that Sophia and Summer Rose have made some very good points which I hope might have helped a little.

You obviously have high intellect and have excellent awareness of how you are feeling.

When reading your post I was struck in by one thing in particular - where you said you know exactly why you feel this way - finding it hard to read people, hard to remain interested in what they are interested in, crossing boundaries and hurting them as a result.

I am not at all qualified in any way to offer you advice, but just wonder if your feelings just might be related to your listening skills? I used to be a terrible listener. My style of conversation was to think only of what I wanted to say, and as soon as I could, butt in with my own thoughts and my own situation.

I was often told 'You aren't even listening to me' which was so true. It took time, but I am now much more patient, make an effort to really listen, and give back relevant comments and responses that are empathetic with what the other person in saying. This has led to fantastic conversations and I have found that at a party for example, it has become natural to have quite long and interesting conversations with people.

So it's just a thought Jordan23, which I hope might help just a little.

All the very best to you, I wish you a Merry Christmas too.

Happy to chat further should you wish.

The Bro