The rollercoaster ride continues ...

Grunt · ‎07-11-2015

Hi All,

I joined beyondblue a while back and I believe I may have even posted back then, however it wouldn't have been a lot as I can barely recall what I posted. No doubt it would have been about my struggles at that time.

I've been absent from the site as I believed my depression was pretty much in check, if not gone. As it does and as it has continued to do for the past two years my dark companion reminded me of its existence.

I have come to accept this time around though that this will infact continue to be a rollercoaster ride, my decision however is do I ride 'The Beastie' or 'The Demon'? (I'm hoping most of you are familiar with Australia's Wonderland lol)

I acknowledge that I need to make positive lifestyle changes and commitments in being able to effectively manage my depression and anxiety and am hoping to use this forum, to interact with as many of you as possible as a healthy and proactive companion in managing my condition.

I hope to be able to share my story with you soon 🙂

TheSteve · ‎08-11-2015

Grunt,

Welcome back, it is great to have you. I look forward to hearing your story.

Just for starters, I will say that depression and anxiety have the ability to manifest in all of us, and are always just a set of specific "conditions" away from showing themselves. It is not you or I or a personal thing, it is a combination of physical and mental factors that combine to create a certain state. It can be treated and dealt with, it can be acknowledged and accepted, and it can be lived with and walked through.

Remember also, that recovery always involves small periods of relapse and re-experience of our prior feelings and states of mind. This is often a healthy barometer, or "test" of our progress on the road to perpetual recovery. Don't let this get you down, as recovery also involves these states becoming fewer, farther between, and less intense.

Let's chat, I look forward to getting to know you.

Steve

Grunt · ‎08-11-2015

Hi Steve,

thank you for the warm welcome! I have found myself in the past often believing that my "cure" is imminent and then becoming frustrated and disheartened when relapses would occur.

I have come to accept and couldn't agree with you more when you state that recovery is perpetual. After my most recent "misadventure" I have finally realised that I need to take the time for myself to identify the physical and mental factors that contribute to the "states" of my undoing. For the first time since diagnosis a few years back I have finally taken some time to step back from my demanding job and enlist the support of those who have been relentlessly offering it.

Once again, thank you for your warm welcome and I look forward to getting to know you and further engaging with this community 🙂

BKYTH · ‎08-11-2015

Wellness, for the sake of calling it something, is I think, a state that we need to support by our actions on a day to day basis. Taking anything for granted is never wise as circumstances are always changing and we need to be aware of that and conscious of our responses to those changes. You acknowledge that you need to be a participant in effectively managing your depression and anxiety and there are many aspects to that. For me. One thing that I do is to normalize the experience. As the Buddha stated 'Life is suffering' which is not to be understood to mean that he was saying that life is nothing but suffering but that suffering is part of life. When I experience something that is difficult or causes me to experience suffering then I acknowledge it and try to understand its nature so that I can act as effectively as possible in dealing with it. If you are experiencing depression then I think its more useful to accept that that is what is happening rather than to react to it as though it shouldn't be there. If we resist what we are experiencing then that only means that we suffer more. I don't resist the happiness that I experience in life so why should I resist the suffering? In that way I normalize it - Why shouldn't it be there? Of course you should do all that you can to relieve that suffering and seek as much help as possible in the process. In dealing with the chronic pain I live with I have learned not only that I can live with it but that I can enjoy life just as fully in spite of it - If it is suffering that can't be alleviated then I would rather think of it as a companion in life rather than something that I am 'suffering' from. It can only ever be what I decide it to be. If I decide to suffer from it then I will. I hope you make further posts. Philip.

Grunt · ‎08-11-2015

Thank you Philip for such genuine insight.

I never really considered that resisting our feelings could infact prolong the suffering. In hindsight, it has done exactly that.

Life and responsibilities have, as they do, interfered over the past few years in allowing me to acknowledge and accept these conditions for what they are, which as Buddha put it; part of life. However as a matter of utmost urgency I have given myself the time, void of ANY distractions to experience these states as they occur, accept them for what they are and develop an arsenal of coping mechanisms to help me better deal with these situations when they occur.

Thanks again for taking the time to reply and I will continue to post in the future 🙂

Grunt · ‎14-02-2017

Hi All,

back again. I feel somewhat guilty that I only ever come to these forums during times of my own struggle. In saying that I don't come here seeking explicit support/advice but instead to utilise the forum as a platform of self assistance. I don't mean to sound obnoxious or ungrateful, this forum has offered me support in the past - I just feel that I need some kind of public platform where I can attempt to hold myself accountable for my part on this ride.

I have always found writing to be an extremely therapeutic tool and unfortunately only ever do it when the dark clouds roll in for what seems to be their yearly reminder of their existence.

The dark clouds were a little late for their annual visit which had me thinking that perhaps the sun was here to stay. When will I accept that those dark clouds are just as much a part of my life as the sunshine? The more I try to ignore the clouds the worse the storm is when they finally arrive.

What frustrates me the most is that I only implement healthy lifestyle choices when I have to nurse myself back to normality. Perhaps if I did this all the time the storms wouldn't be as bad?

During my most recent storm I have had the realisation that who I want to be as a professional person often plays a part in bringing about "my storms". It's as if I want to get from A-Z NOW in the quickest possible way but my depression is saying "hold on a minute, we have to take our time going via a, b, c, d, e, f, etc first." It tries to give me the warning signs that I must listen to it and take its route or else. I'm not the kind of person who likes being told what to do, especially when it's my mind in a sense that is the one that's doing it. For some reason it's a fight I feel that I control, that I can win ... although the latest tally is Storms 5 - Me 0.

As I write this I am currently in, what I like to refer to as my' Zombie like state'. Where I'm not really engaging with anything. I get up, walk around, sit and stare blankly off at nothing for no reason. I am irritable, short-tempered and have withdrawn from social and family settings. I have an appointment with my GP this afternoon and am scheduling an appointment with my Psychologist.

Thank you to anyone that has taken the time to read this. As Kelly Clarkson says in one of her songs: "I've been stuck in the storm before, somehow the clouds disappeared, somehow I made it here, just so you could hear me say ... the sun will rise" 🙂

TheSteve · ‎28-02-2017

Hey Grunt,

Good to hear your voice mate. Sorry that you've had some ups and downs, although as you mentioned, I'm sure these were not unexpected.

You make a really good point in your post about implementing a healthy lifestyle "only when you need to nurse yourself back to normality". This is clearly a sign you must now follow - a healthy lifestyle is what is required consistently, for you to consistently feel good. No booze, no drugs, early nights, exercise, healthy diet, multi-vitamins, reading and learning, purpose, so on and so forth. It is time to make these habits your lifestyle. Trust me, you won't regret it.

Have a laugh for a good half hour and force a smile all day. See how that affects your "zombie state" and let me know. All the best to you mate.

Steve