Terrified of going back + No confidence

[150lashes]

I've been struggling with depression and anxiety and over the last week made a big turning point where I am feeling a lot better. My thinking is clear I'd say about 85% back to normal, I'm eating and drinking properly and have kicked the alcohol.

However I feel terrified of going back to where I was and I feel like I'm desperately clinging on to how I feel now as I'm afraid if I let my guard down I'll slip back to the black wave

I also have no confidence whatsoever. The fire I'm my belly to achieve and get out there whether it be work study or otherwise seems to be gone.

I lead a simple life. I get up of a day go for a refreshing walk or bike ride, do some cooking, catch up with friends for lunch, do school pick ups, after school activities, take photos of the sunset and other scenic shots. Finish the day with a good meal, a good book and repeat. That's all I seem to be interested in.

But I have mortgages, responsibility and a good career - I can't understand how I have no desire to do anything about this.

Any suggestions? Is this normal?

[150lashes]

Sorry I ran out of words!

I also walk each morning as this helps control the morning anxiety and I practice breathing whilst walking.

When I had the "break down" I'd say my mental capacity was down to 40 per cent as I just couldn't focus or concentrate on anything or think clearly. Now I'm at around 85-90 per cent in 5 weeks

I don't know if it's over for good or what but I'm taking it and trying not to let go and I'm scared of going back to where I was.

It is definitely the most challenging health issue I have ever faced in my life.

I hope some of this helps others in some way

[CMF]

Wow, thanks for sharing this. You are amazing, strong and an inspiration, not to mention a wonderful mother. Your story reminds me of a similar situation I was in about 12 years ago. Not as bad as you but I know the feeling of not wanting yo sleep, waking up during the night and morning sick, not eating etc. do you gave a partner? Support person? Someone who helps with you with the kids?

i truly believe this lack of motivation/interest you currently have is your mind and body telling you it's needs to rest and heal. You have been through a great deal mentally and physically. I u der stand its daunting having to start over again, looking for employment and not having something to ease back into but you are a very capable woman and when your mind and body re ready, you'll e ankle to take that step. You mention you dealt with bullying and harassment issues. Was this towards you or others in the workplace? To be able to do all you were doing, work, study, children whilst you were unwell shows your strength and determination. I think if anything you now hVe the tools to deal with things but as I keep saying (sorry to keep repeating it) just keep doing what you're doing, things will fall into plAce.

thank you so much for opening up and sharing this. It's people like you that give others hope. I hope your little one is doing ok and keep posting if you need to.

keep it up and let us know how you're doing.

best wishes

cmf

[150lashes]

Hey cmf

Thanks for your lovely compliments. I appreciate that.

I have an amazingly supportive husband and without him taking over a lot of the household chores and taking care of the kids, the last 5 weeks would have been a lot more difficult.

He would get the kids ready for preschool of a morning whilst I was still out of it in bed. When the little one is sick and can't go to pre school I'd have to look after him the best I could at home. My husband works full time but would try to pop in at his lunch break and get home early if he could.

The bullying and harassment was towards me. It's a whole seperate story on his own to be honest, one I won't get into right now.

I think you're right, I need to take it slow and see it as recovery mode 🙂 everything takes time, I'm just getting ahead of myself.

Thanks and have great weekend 🙂

[white knight]

Hi 150lashes,

I replied to a response on another thread.

But as you have added much more detail about bullies. This might help to. Google it

"Topic: so what are THEIR mental illnesses- beyondblue"

"Topic: Bullying- beyondblue"

and my latest thread- "Depression and timing motivation- beyondblue"

You are doing ok.

Tony WK