Support is important

[victoriak]

I guess I just want to know if there's anyone else out there suffering the way I am.

My life has been pretty much doomed since the start of my life, I never really had anyone there, i'm not adopted, or abandoned or anything like that and actually from the outside looking in, it looks like I have it all.

I guess i am lucky I have a house, food, water, clothes, a few luxuries and all those things most Australians have but I am so sad and alone, I have nothing to live for. 

Not many people know about my depression, I've been heavily depressed for about 2 years now and im currently 16. I think even as a child I had sadness because of the way I was treated.

The people around me who really know what is happening and who know exclusively about my depression think it's a joke.   

When my depression started getting really bad 2 years ago, I had alot of support, mainly from my boyfriend because he was the only person I really talked to about it.

Lately, I have no support, none at all, i keep getting told that i'm a bulls@*! artist etc etc etc and it hurts because what I'm feeling is real, I don't want to feel this way but no matter what happens I do. 

  I guess if you're reading this you need a bit of background info. I have never met my biological dad, i don't even know his name, my mother mentally, psychologically and emotionally abuses me, I don't have any siblings, I don't have any close family.

I dont recall a happy childhood, I remember spending most of it alone, I never really had any friends, sleepovers, birthday parties to go to and that hasn't changed since i've been in high school. 

I'm pretty much a prisoner in my own home. I'm never allowed to go anywhere, the handle on my door has been removed so there's a hole to spy on me through.

This is the work of my mother. This is only one of the many things she does. She never really treated me this bad and i guess i fell into heavy depression after a certain incident which involved her.  2 years ago i snuck out of home to see my boyfriend, who is a muslim australian.

At first the problem was that i snuck out but coming from a fairly narrow minded family, the thought of having a muslim boyfriend horrified my family especially my mum. I have been called a terrorist supporter, a sex slave, a stupid slut, a gullible traitor, ive been told that im getting used and despite all that I ever backed down because I did love him and i still do.

Truth is he is so gentle, calm and beautiful inside and out. The respect I have received from this relationship is crazy and it's set me up for life, I know how I should be treated.

I have been through counsellors, psychologists, you name it i've been but my mum still doesn't care about my depression, she is just so convinced that i'm doing the wrong thing when honestly i'm probably one of the most innocent 16 year olds you'll find.   

I've tried to kill myself all up 4 times, coming narrowly close to death a few times, it's probably a miracle that I'm still alive. I've been extremely brief about why i'm depressed but honestly it's just so long to explain.

I just needed to do this to get as much as I can off my chest and maybe someone out there is going through the same or maybe someone cares. I self harm and it's strange because I never ever would've thought that i would be as depressed as I am.

2 years ago I would've never imagined myself sitting on a bathroom floor everynight, crying till I self harm. I never thought this would've been me at 16 years old.   

I'm supposed to be having the time of my life right now instead I find it hard to get out of bed some days. Everything that "normal people" find easy to do like brushing your teeth or showering has become something that is the hardest task of the day for me. It's easy for people to say to me 'talk to someone' 'talk to your bestfriend or your boyfriend or your family' but i have noone.

I have realised that for someone suffering depression support is important. So what happens if you lose that support and you no longer have it ? 

  I'm not a bad person, even though I couldn't see my boyfriend, I tried to give him as much love and support that I could but i never really got anything in return. I'm not going to lie at the start I did, the days were easier but now everything has turned so sour.

The problem was that I got too attatched and now I'm convinced the only way that I will be happy is if I'm with him. If you've never been in love you won't understand, not even I can explain it. With depression love is hard because you're so sad although you know that you should be happy and then you just fill yourself with insecurities and jealousy and sadness and clingyness and then that just becomes too much for the other person.

You know it's your fault but shouldn't they understand and still love you and nurture you and care for you no matter what ?  I dont completely understand depression. I know why I'm depressed. I know what it does to me. I just don't understand it. i often find myself saying 'why me'. 

[beyondblue_Online_Communi]

Hi there,

We are sorry to hear how hard things have been for you. It sounds like you have been dealing with these feelings for some time. We are unsure whether you have any supports (professionals) working with you. Have you spoken to them about how you are feeling at the moment.
Please feel free to call the beyond blue helpline on 1300 22 4636 if you would like some extra support, they can advise you of where to get some help.

We hope that you receive lots of support here from the community, there are many others that have experienced some of the symptoms you are talking about and would be happy to support you.

[Jo3]

Hi Victoria

OMG you poor thing, you have gone through so much at such a young age.  I wish I could just take you in and give you a home.  Your mum sounds terrible and for you to be suffering depression and self harming is a worry.  Please can you see a GP for help and possibly medication.

Yes at your age you are supposed to be enjoying your life, and you will.  It will take time but with the right professional help you will. 

I understand what you mean about a horrible mum and having no friends at school or invited to friends homes for parties.  I too have never had any friends and I understand how lonely it feels.

But now you have friends here, you have support, love and advice from a lot of people.  Please stay in touch and let us know how you go.

Jo xx

[angielove]

Hi Victoria,

I'm sorry for what you've been through. I may not have experienced the same but I understand you. While reading your post, I felt your pain. Please forgive your mum, maybe she has gone terrible things too that makes her bitter even to you, her child.  Once you will learn to forgive her, you will start forgiving your own self and accepting who you are and what you are. 

Hugs to you Victoria. I hope and pray that you will be okay soon 🙂