Dear new member~
I'd like to give you a warm welcome here at the Forum. I regret it has been a few days before you have a response to your post, unfortunately the system does not always work as we might wish. Let me assure you this is nothing to do with you, or the subject of your post.
I guess it is good you have osmewhere to stay but sad you are separated from your partner and children, may I ask if this is a permanent thing?
Having constant depression makes for a very miserable life, and one's decisions tend to be based on that. As somone who suffered long term depression I thought it would never end and had little hope. I tried numerous medications, in fact I felt like a beta-tester for all the new drugs that became available. They either had bad side effects or did nothing. The same applied to therapies from CBT to hypnosis. No help there.
I was lucky in that my psychiatrist was always on hte lookout for alternatives and eventually I was given a rather unconventional medication that exactly suited me, and had the additional benefit of helping me gain benefit from talk therapy. I'm now a different person and am happy with my life.
I notice you do not mention a psychiatrist as one of the people you have tried. I found it was the only one that helped. Everyone is different and my positive reaction to him and the meds may be simply me, certainly not everybody. However I'd suggest trying down this path and particularly the more unconventional medications.
Using an addiction, I'm going to assume alcohol because that is very a common thing to reach for, please excuse me if I've made a mistake. To try to get off this while still having a coping mechanism is hard, hopefully if you find effective treatment for you depression then things may become easier. I do know whatever the addiction trying to stop by oneself is extra hard. Support from others is needed, in the case of alcohol AA can be one path that has helped many (even if they are not particularly religious).
May I ask how you get on with your parents, are they people that would want to help with the addiction? Family can be a huge help.
I too have been suicidal, even hospitalized for it. As my depression eased so did the desire to end my life. Can I suggest a smartphone safety app that has helped. It is called BeyondNow and takes preparation before use, chiefly to go beyond conventional planning and includes 'things I can do for myself', a most effective section. Here I put in a list of things to try when overwhelmed that have been good in the past. Either that I enjoyed or at least distracted me.
Yours will be different of course but I list specifics: listen to a particular song, read a chapter from a favorite book, look up my favorite comedian on YouTube and more. Hard to make the list when down, someone else who knows you may be able to help and remember for you.
I think I've said enough for the moment, and hope you feel like talking some more. You are faced with a very difficult life and talking may help.
Croix
