Stuck in a pit and I don't know how to improve and climb out

[Garfield2020]

Hi, I just wanted to post and touch on somethings. For context, I’m a student in my second year. Sorry I don’t really know how to word a lot of this.
I don’t really feel like I’m functioning. I feel like I lack a lot of life skills and that my anxiety stops me from doing a lot of normal stuff. I avoid doing a lot of things because of anxiety. I don’t really get panic attacks or anything. I know someone who does but somehow, they manage to integrate better into society than I do while I just feel like an alien trying to integrate with human society.

I sometimes do things weird ways or do dumb shit since I’ve always considered it normal and then I get like laughed at (I know they don’t mean it in a bad way and the dumb shit I do is harmless) but it does hurt. I'm sorry I can't give any specific examples, but I remember getting shit for things like how I moved during PE in highschool (since I did dance and that affected how I moved). When teens go through puberty, they get jokes made at their expense about their voice being funny or other things. And I'm scared I'm going to get those jokes from my friends too since I just started Puberty 2 since I'm NB.

It's almost like I was left to my own devices or that’s what I feel like and was never like raised to like function or anything. But I know that’s not the case since my sister is doing fantastic and all this shit but I just can’t seem to.

And concerning what I put this post here for is the depression aspect. I only just realised how much I’ve been isolating myself. I don’t really know when it started honestly since it took me until a few years ago to recognise that my idea of Normal was actually just me being depressed, I think. I honestly just feel like I’m rotting. I did deactivate a lot of my social media accounts so I could get my shit together but now without the serotonin, I just feel like my days all become a haze since there’s nothing remarkably good or bad about them. I'm not lazy but I genuinely can’t get shit done. And I did try to get my shit together but it didn’t last for long. And then throw in emotional suppression problems. I don’t really know what to do.

I do have a counsellor and whatnot and luckily that's free but it's been inaffective. I've tried dealing with the emotional supression problems but it's really hard to find resources on how to deal with that (though I'm still consciouslly working on dealing with it). I just don't know how to climb out and improve. I just don't know.

[Garfield2020]

And forgot to mention, I don't lack social skills either. I do have social anxiety I think but I've always been pretty confident and a jokester. Like I don't lack any communication skills or anything.

[Sean_S]

Hey Garfield,

The first thing I was going to say was about social anxiety, until I read your second post! If your social skills are there, you're funny and also confident then that's a big plus.

But you are feeling isolated. I think deactivating those accounts, personally, is a good move. Step two would be finding social groups where you feel valued and fit in. The serotonin and other feel-good neurotransmitters will come in huge waves from quality face-to-face social interaction. It wasn't until I accepted the anxiety (social anxiety) then set out despite discomfort to hunt for my ideal social life intentionally and with discipline that I found it.

Not feeling like you're functioning, like you have no life-skills, feeling like you're rotting away: all of that is super relatable. Just be careful to point out to yourself the things that are functioning. To have a balanced view. There is probably a bunch of stuff your doing excellently. You're studying, for instance.

A few tips that might help.

Isolation can only be dealt with by getting social active. Even if it is subpar, do it. Contact people, set things up, go to events or clubs. You're confident, funny with social skills. You're ahead of the curve.

In relation to the avoidance as a result of the anxiety you mentioned:

Smart small. Don't try to 'get your shit together' in one go. You'll just burn out, and fall back into rotting away mode. Learn to set a low bar. Say to yourself, 'Can I just spend 10 measly minutes looking at my homework, and see what happens?' 'Can I call one person today to organize a catch up?' 'Can I spend 10 minutes researching how to do X Y or Z?' Then chill the f out afterwards, reward yourself. Celebrate. Don't bite off more than you can chew.

Fill your day with serotonin enhancing things: whatever makes you feel good. Chain them together. Make a list, add to it each time you feel an activity genuinely improve your mood noticeably.

I'd also emphasize do not avoid things. I avoided a lot, I had good reason to, but I do regret it. The single thing I would say to my younger self from 5 years ago would be: "Learn to calmly problem solve. Learn to take action. But not in a over-the-top way. Don't whip yourself. Just progressively take steps, unstoppably, towards solving the problems necessary to 'function'. Keep an easy, relaxed attitude towards it, but do it." Anxiety kept me looking away from challenges and from learning life-skills.

Hope some of this is helpful 🙂

[Garfield2020]

I marked my own original post but now I can't unmark it but c'est la vie.

But thank you a lot for replying Sean. And honestly, I don't know the specifics of social anxiety, like what it specifically is but my anxiety does make me avoidant around social situations. Like i've had a debit card for a while but never used it for actually buying anything in a store since the idea of doing that makes me anxious. Though I do buy shit online lmao

And also thank you a lot for the kind words. And honestly, you're very very right about the avoidance thing and also that I am functioning somewhat, like I'm studying and I'm managing my medical shit on my own and very well. It does really stop you from experiencing life and thank you for the advice. Improving small parts of your life until things start to get better slowly. Rome wasn't built in a day and whatnot.

Just gonna dump my problems here but with HRT aka Puberty 2, honestly, that shit terrifies me. Like it's making noticeable changes and I'm very happy for the changes but I'm also terrified of the awkward in-between phase in real life concerning names and pronouns and all that jazz. And I'm just really terrified people are going to be dicks to me. And my brain starts I guess making up these scenarios and all of that shit. Most of my friends in uni are queer but there's some I'm not out to and I've heard them making snowflake jokes and that worries me a lot since I don't want to have to argue with people about whether I deserve respect or not. Like in the past I've always been able to hide behind being closeted but now I can't and it genuinely terrifies me.

[Sean_S]

Congrats on taking that step!

I'm really glad you have friends that can relate and understand.

I think it's normal to have concerns and worries about how people will react. It's a big change, and there is still a fair bit of ignorance out there. It seems unlikely to me though that people at uni will react poorly. My uni is a pretty open and enlightened place. I guess it depends on what your friends are studying!

Yeah you shouldn't have to argue that you deserve respect. But I'd brace for a few conversations of that nature anyway, but really it could all happen smoothly and everyone respond well. I'd guess that most people don't mind using particularly pronouns. If they respond badly then reassess whether being friends with them is good for you.

Sean

[IreneM]

Hi Garfield2020

First of all I want to congratulate you in the steps that you are taking to reassess who you are having contact with and who you're friends are. I totally agree with Sean S. If people respond to you in a stigmatic way, keep your distance from them, they don't need to know about your personal problems. In some ways that's what some parts of these forums are for.

Secondly I totally understand what it feels like not to function, from when I couldn't even think for myself at one point. But when that happens give yourself space to appreciate you and your immediate surroundings. Some of the posts on Grounding are good here. Have a glance at the thread: "SELF HELP TIPS for Manging Anxiety."

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/self-help-tips-for-managing-anxiety

You will see here that different things work for everyone. Don't be afraid to experiment and try different things to keep your mind stable and at ease.

Last but not least the key to breaking that cycle of Anxiety is to DO THE OPPOSITE TO YOUR SYMPTOMS. In this case - avoidance - try different things that you like doing. Starting with something small and build up towards going out more.

Keep up the good work!

Irene

[Garfield2020]

Thank you again, Sean and you're right. Unis are pretty open places and mine is too, as far as having gender-neutral bathrooms and a queer club which is a pretty big deal for me since I went to a Catholic school (not my choice. I'm not religious and I had some other issues with it). And I'm studying CS shit.

And honestly, a lot of people often seem more open than they really are like my mum who said she'd support me if I'm queer, we have a family friend who is a trans woman, and my godfather is gay and quasi-married. But she still reacted really badly when we had a conversation about me going on hrt and her face was red and she couldn't talk because otherwise, she'd cry. She also said shit that since I engaged in a hobby typical of my agab (assigned gender at birth) as a child for like 7yrs, that I can't be nb or whatever. I still think about the conversation a lot and the shit she said but I don't really have a relationship with her anyway so there wasn't really anything to lose.

Yeah if it gets bad with people, I will just yeah no my way out of there. I'm worried that if I react with anger, people will go "haha stupid triggered snowflake haha" and that'll make it worse. But so far nothing has happened. Though removing shitty people is one of the tools in my toolbox and so is snitching to higherups if need be. I'm just very worried about shit happening and I don't think it's an unwarranted fear. It's honestly really stressful all of it. I hate what people perceive my identity to be. I hate being stuck in this limbo of sorts. And I hate that I don't really have anyone to talk about this shit in person that actually Gets It.

I honestly feel the positive effects of removing myself from social media since it's grounded me a lot in the real world but my anxiety still hasn't been grounded. And thank you a lot for the thread, I will sift through that. I have an assignment due this weekend and two next week but I still went to my friend's house to drink (a responsible amount) and I got home at like midnight or so but then I slept for 8hrs, went to the doctors at noon, and then to uni. And honestly, I felt fucking amazing. It genuinely feels so good to get my shit together. Like small steps against the isolation.

And yeah you're right about the avoidance shit. Honestly, it's hard to do the opposite though but small baby steps do more than taking big strides will ever do since as Sean said, you'll pretty much burn out and it won't go anywhere. Thank you, Irene.

[Garfield2020]

I don't know. Just I guess updating or posting since I need to talk about this somewhere without judgment. Dump my problems and whatnot.

I compare myself to my little sister a lot. Like not in a way that demeans her though since we're on really good terms, we're friends. And she's in highschool like y11 or something. She has a job, she actually has hobbies.

And I look at myself and feel terrible and like a loser for having neither. I haven't had a job in a long long time. I do have my degree and everything and it was a good choice studying it since it's something I enjoy and can get a good job from (IT/CS stuff) but otherwise, I just feel so pathetic. I also just feel like the disappointment child even though I know my parents love me.

And the worst thing is that I feel like there's just nothing I can do about it. I know I need to take baby steps but it all feels like a herculean task. I guess I'm just trying to survive uni. I don't know. But even compared to my friends in uni, I still feel like I'm just not handling shit. And it's not because of university that I'm like this, I've been like this for years.

I just don't know. I do feel like I want to just start my life over on a whim, move to some random country or something. Somewhere in the EU perhaps since I have a dual citizenship. But I know that won't fix my problems (perhaps). And even if it would, I don't have the money.