Still struggling

[Cee123]

I'm having more and more days where I feel like I can't go on... I don't know how to cope anymore. Mornings are harder than ever. Nights are lonelier than ever. Everything feels pointless and grey. I am socially isolated (except for my family). I have no meaning or purpose. I can't get out of bed, it's a struggle just to do basic things. And now I'm getting harassed by Centrelink who think that I can work even though I clearly can't, I have a damn doctor's certificate and an exemption from looking for work. JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!! I haven't been answering my phone. I haven't been doing much of anything. I am REALLY bad at the moment. If they want, they can cut me off, I'm done. And damn anxiety doesn't help. I'll just live with no money, living off my parents at 35 years of age. I don't have any shame anymore because I'm genuinely struggling (and I know that, and my family knows that) and I can't handle anything. People can call me worthless and a freeloader all they want because they don't understand what I'm going through and will never understand. They can judge me and hate me all they want. I only want to be alone anyway. If I can't do it, then I just can't do it. I'm not going to try and come up with reasons why I can't do it just to please other people. I have genuinely tried to function. But I just can't. And medication isn't helping. Therapy hasn't helped me EVER.

I've tried reaching out to other people with depression but nobody EVER replies. And most of those people are 12 to 16 years of age. I ask other people around my age what helps them, what helps them to get through each day, what helps keep them motivated and they say it's their kids that give their life meaning, it's their kids that give them a purpose. Well that doesn't help me because I don't have any kids. And that also makes me depressed - feeling that I missed out on marriage and having kids and because of my age and what little I have in life - nobody wants to know me or speak to me anymore. I am a broken person. I only have my dog and she is almost on her last legs. When she goes I dont know what I'm going to do with my time.

I just can't do it... I'm feeling like I can't go on. I haven't told anybody this. And I haven't spoken to anybody because I don't want to burden them or bring them down as well. I feel like a failure and a burden and all I want to do is curl up and lay in bed all day. I've been finding things to take my mind off it like gardening. But I've been tired

[Cee123]

Hi jtjt_4862,

Initially I was embarrassed to share what I was going through. I was embarrassed even reading my post back. Thanks for the kind words. I really appreciate it. I guess the first thing is to reach out. Thanks for making me feel less alone. Glad you're here to listen. I don't know who else I can talk to in my life.

Yeah I understand that. Everyone has their own unique situations. I often find a lot of people relate to each other in their circumstances, and then there's me. And then I feel like they can't relate to me and I can't relate to them so they just ignore me. And it just ends up making me feel even crappier. Even in my social anxiety support group years ago, they would talk about things going on their lives, and then it came to my turn and I just really had nothing to share. As nothing was going on my life. And then they would just think "that's it? How boring" move past me onto the next person. But whatever I dont care.

Yeah I have been enjoying gardening and taking care of the lawn. It's not because of that that I feel lethargic. I just feel lethargic in general. I have no energy anymore. Some days are better than other days I suppose. I've been really lacking in energy and motivation though. Come winter and I'm always struggling to pull together to do things. I just feel like I've been lost in a fog.

[Cee123]

Yeah that's it. That's what it's like for me also. What helped you to get through it? I've been to therapists over the years, been on a lot of different medications, things helped to an extent, and then things just fell apart again. And it's just been like that, it's been a continual process of things falling apart and then having to try to put things back in place again only for them to fall apart again. I am so sorry I haven't been here to reply to comments. I am very distractible and unmotivated.

Those are interesting perspectives, I'll keep those in mind. I would say I am a people pleaser as well, I am also a people disappointer haha. Actually it's interesting that you mention those things, a guy who got in touch with me from my high school has been recommending meditation to me. I kept telling him I'm interested but I just never got around to it.

[Cee123]

Thank you Petal, I really appreciate that also.

Sounds like a tough journey with OCD. I'm sure I probably have a few OCD traits myself that can be a real pain to live with. But not as bad as my generalized and social anxieties though.

Congratulations on your recovery... 4 years wow, that's awesome. I'm so glad.

I hope I can be like that too. That gives me a sense of hope.

Yeah I hope so too. I am sick and tired of being alone. It's just the sense of getting older and feeling like you have nothing to live for like other people that you know. I see how happy they are and I can't relate.

[Cee123]

Thank you OngoingJourney,

I am so sorry to hear you're feeling that too. I am here with you. Holding your hand as well. I feel you. We're the same. Like you, I've been to those depths of despair. I've been on the downward spiral. Coped with alcohol. I haven't been as bad as some people - I haven't attempted to take my own life - which I suppose is a positive, but I have thought about it and considered it. But for me, it's been like I have days where I just do nothing at all. And it's a struggle to get out of bed and function. I am glad I made you feel like you are not alone. It's sad there are so many feeling like this.

[Cee123]

Wow that sounds tough what you're going through. And sorry to hear about the divorce. That can cause a huge blow to anyone. Sounds like you've been through a lot as well. Volunteering I think probably helps you as you're out mixing with others, the GP recommended that to me too, but I just cant find anything that I'd be useful at. Glad to hear that your depressed periods are lessened at least. I think if we can lessen them more the better. But yeah not that easy. You're right it's just that tiny bit of hope that gets us through. I hold onto that most days. But some days it just isn't there. I know how you feel also. I can relate to everything you're feeling at the moment as well. I understand. Thank you for those kind words - I hope you can also take that same advice that you've given me. It's nice to hear from someone who's older than me in the same situation. Sometimes I think it's easier to just be alone as we have no one to disappoint other than ourselves. But I don't know. And that drives me also to a sense of isolation. Thank you so much, I really appreciate that. And your kind words. I hope you're doing ok as well. Sending love and energy your way as well. Appreciate what you've sent.

[Cee123]

Hi bluenight,

So glad to hear, thank you so much. I am touched. So glad to hear of your recovery also. Hope you're doing much better now. I've considered reaching out to God for help. But I have tried and nothing changes. I feel like I just get ignored or like he is not there. I am not as religious myself. I am glad he has helped you get through your hard times. You are right - we are not shameful and a burden - we have mental illness. Thanks, that makes me feel better at least. Hope you're doing ok as well.

Yeah I think baby steps is what it takes. Thanks for reminding me of that. How did you get through it. Must've been hard for you as well. Thank you for your kind words. Yeah we can chat further here, or wherever. Appreciate the love you send as well. Hope you're doing ok as well.

[Cee123]

Wow I am really touched by the replies from you guys. I don't know what to say. I did come back and read the replies. My brain has been feeling like I'm in a fog, and my concentration has really struggled. I've been struggling to think of what to reply to each of these. And I am so grateful and appreciative to every one of you. And I am so deeply sorry that it took me a week to finally come back here and respond. I don't know why I have been so unreliable and demotivated. I've been neglecting a lot of things lately. I'm trying to get back around to them. I appreciate every one of you guys. Sending love your way - Sophie_M, jtjt_4862, therising, OngoingJourney, bluenight I am so grateful to everyone who has replied to me, and I hope no one feels forgotten I am here for anyone. I am so grateful to everyone who has replied to my other posts as well. I remember who they are. I love and appreciate all of you. Thank you everyone. I am here to keep receiving and sending replies if anyone wants to talk. I don't know where my head has been this past week or why it took me this long to come back.

[therising]

Hi Cee123

No pressure to respond. You'll respond when you're up to it at a time that feels right for you. Sometimes, it can't hurt to mull over things for a while either.

When it comes to pleasing and displeasing people, I love pleasing people and I absolutely love triggering people to, you could say, a state of annoyance at times. Yes, I've learned to become a bit of a trouble maker/stirrer. It's more about 'stirring the pot of consciousness' in a person. It's like you can say to someone who doesn't want to give much thought to raising you when you're a little down 'I really need to you raise me a little'. A lot of the time, with such people, you can easily predict how things are going to go but you stir anyhow, even if it's just for a little personal amusement

'I really need you to raise me a little'

'How?'

'I need you to think of how because I just can't right now'. It's like triggering them to consciously think and lead you to a revelation in regard to what might actually work

'I don't know'

'I need you to try harder, for my sake'

'I don't know! Stop harassing me'

As I say, I'm a troublemaker; keep this in mind, as on one occasion I actually had this kind of conversation with someone and produced a piece of paper at the end which read 'I don't know! Stop harassing me' before announcing 'That must be the psychic in me' 🙂 You just know that's going to displease a person. My theory is if you can predict the response, you may as well have fun with it. Some folk may question this approach but I figure it's better than what I used to do. I used to sometimes beg people to make some difference in my life, offer some suggestion, and when they refused to think hard and raise their consciousness (even walking away at times), I'd find it incredibly depressing and hopeless.

One of the most amazing things about the people on the forums here involves the fact they work so hard to make sense of things, so hard to make a difference in their own lives and the lives of others, so hard to raise spirits and so on. Even if they don't know the way, they will continue seeking.They will not stop at 'I don't know'.

With the meditation, I've found there are so many forms to the point where it becomes a matter of sifting through what does work and what doesn't. I keep my fingers crossed that your friend offers what works straight up and you don't have to go through the sifting process so much. Guided meditation is more my thing. I love having my imagination triggered.

🙂