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Still grieving six years later?

ChildHeart
Community Member

Hello all, I hope you are doing okay. Right.. here we go.

In roughly 2011 I resigned (technically quit) my job of almost 10 years and I was living with my parents. During this time my mother got diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and later, a blood disease. My father who owned his own business found it helpful that I was there with her during the day while he was at work as she declined rather quickly. Before I could decide what to do about getting another job, my father got diagnosed with cancer. I became an at-home carer for the next six years until they passed away a month from each other six years ago.

I have a sibling who has lived overseas for many years now and who was not there for 99% of that time that I was there helping them and trying to find a way to stay in control of my own life as depression was already starting to become a part of my life. My sibling came down at the tail end (just after our mother passed away) and as my father was in his last weeks. We hadn't gotten to process my mother's passing by the time we were told by the doctors that my father was in his last days. So when my father passed away I felt completely lost at the time and although my sibling had a life to get back to, I had nothing. I had no choice but to let the feelings wash over me and to face it all head-on which led me to eventually see my GP where I did an assessment and she said it seemed like generalised anxiety disorder and depression. I didn't have the money for therapy so we did the ten free government sessions. I did two of those which weren't all that helpful being that they are too short to even begin to benefit from the therapy. I ended up doing a third session after realising I wasn't getting better and I went straight to my GP to discuss it.

It's been six years and it feels like everybody wants me to be healed and fully moved on with my life but it's not that easy. I have tried to do a lot of inner work on myself but people seem to be more interested in the material things like why I still don't have a job (I have an income that allows me to pay rent and food) but people don't understand how hard this has been for me including my sibling who has in all honesty, been rather detached from the whole situation being in another country. I feel pressure to be better than I am but the truth is I am still depressed and I have good days and bad days. I'm tired of putting the happy face on when sometimes I don't feel that happy.

33 Replies 33

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

hello again... in one of your posts I noticed you mentioned being sensitive was seem as a positive. Maybe not that exact that word, but I spoke to my psychiatrist about being a people pleaser. (My brother is also self centered for what it is worth!)

Anyway, all of these words ... sensitive, people pleaser and self centered have positives and negatives.

In your case, being sensitive ... empathy, good awareness of what is going on around us, creative thinking, the ability to deeply process and think about big. You only need to google "benefits of being sensitive".

Still around. And remember you are worth it.

You're welcome. 🙂

I understand and take care of yourself.

Sending virtual hugs!

Hi Child@Heart

coming back to this - I am wondering - what do you know about trauma?
I have recently come to the realisation that there is much trauma in my early life that I believe can explain so much of my current state now. From what I have read and seen this is a common thing once we hit adulthood.

I am wondering if your experiences that you have been posting about here are trauma based?

Thanks for coming back to chat HamSolo.

To be honest, I don't know much at all. I mean, what really defines "trauma"? I've been through things (but I don't know if it counts as trauma. i.e the "s" word and what may seem like little things to others but something with my mum) and certain things now trigger me because of it and others have heightened my anxiety over years and some paranoia?

I am sorry to hear of you going through that, but it seems like understanding that has helped you in some way? Clarity wise?

Today has not been a good day. I was recently informed here of another organisation (I'll keep it nameless) and I shared my story there as it was specific to grief (though here it allows me to talk about all my other struggles which helps) and I decided to read other stories and like here, be more a part of the community and offer some support and I am super sensitive but there was a person who had lost a child and I tried to comfort with some words and some of my own situation and she seemed upset and angry at what I had said and commented that my losing my parents is nothing like her losing a child and it just.. made me quite upset. So much so that I had to take a break from the forum.. I apologised for upsetting her but it hurt because yes whilst I may not know what it is like to lose a child as I am not a mum, it has still been very painful to lose my parents. I was having a good day then all of a sudden it turned into a depressed I'll lay in the darkness day. Anyway, I was going to talk about this before I saw your post.

Back to what you were saying, is trauma like major events or can it be.. other things? I don't know how to word it without referencing my whole childhood?

I hope you are doing well my friend.

hey Child@Heart sorry to hear that about the forum experience

I think sometimes it can be the case that people try to outdo each other and they may not even realise they are doing it

THanks for your support. This whole process has taught me the validity of two things. Firstly, radical self compassion grounded in the reality of my experience and life story. Where I basically give myself a reason to not be unreasonable to myself

Secondly, I am learning so much more about my depression and anxiety issues. Where they have derived from. So it has been healing I think. Hard but healing.

I came across Gabor Mate very recently and bought his book. I am starting to read it and I have seen a lot of his videos on youtube - so much of what happens to us in early life can inform the type of adult we are.

I am being compassionate to myself and leraning to challenge the unhelpful thought styles that emerge too often these days in the latter years of my 20s.

Onwards and upwards i guess hey ?

Trauma is anything that created a negative experience. That's what I understand it to be. It is the emotional response to a thing. Then it informs everything from then on. I found this definiton. Trauma is the response to a deeply distressing or disturbing event that overwhelms an individual's ability to cope, causes feelings of helplessness, diminishes their sense of self and their ability to feel a full range of emotions and experiences.

I mean in the end this isn't exactly medicine. But it is the mind we are speaking about. I personally don't believe we need a label for everything, but it certainly helps us come to terms with things.

Hey HamSolo,

Thanks about the forum. I'm ok now I think it just triggered me a little at the time.

I like the whole "a reason to not be unreasonable". That's interesting and (sorry to say) I don't think I've ever heard of Gabor Mate? I might have to look him up.

I'm glad that you are in fighting mode and doing your best to overcome the challenges you face. That's a brave thing to do!

Hmm..well, when you put trauma like that, then yes I suppose I have. A lot happened to me before my parents got sick and I was dealing with "s" thoughts and a few times where I tried. But there's something I never got to talk about in the small amount of therapy I have had because I was talking about my grief but it was my relationship with my mother. I don't know if it's okay to talk about I mean..not that I plan to go into full details but of course, I loved my mother she was my mum.. but .. it's like she could flick a switch and go from one to another person. She too struggled with depression pre-parkinsons but ever since I was a little girl if we were left alone we would clash. A lot. She would yell at me most of the time and sometimes put me down.. tell me I'm a disappointment etc. There's more I could tell but I won't share it all here I'm not sure if I'm allowed anyway but that has put some triggers in me growing up and for one thing, made me scared to talk to people about my feelings (people that know me that is) and it affected me at school too because I found that whenever I was under pressure I would blank out and go into panic mode which is what would happen with my mother. So like.. when I would take tests and things I would panic and blank out and not do well on the tests if I had even gotten anything down at all. Things like this caused more issues as the teachers started calling home all the time to tell my parents how I wasn't doing well and not doing what I was supposed to and would make my parents mad and every time the phone would ring at home I would panic assuming it to be the school which most of the time it was. That has actually affected me as an adult as I still go into a minor panic mode when my phone rings even though I know it can't be the school but I get into my anxiety and a lot of the physical feelings come up like that rush of.. well I don't even know how to describe it.. that suddenly courses through my body. Like a shiver but worse..

I've been thinking more about what you said. What if I've been making excuses for people's behaviour?

I know my parents loved me they didn't want to hurt me.. I do know this. I do have a lot of happy memories as a kid and dad worked hard not just to give us what we needed but some of what we wanted, too.

My mum loved me I know that, but when we were alone we just couldn't get along. She would yell at me a lot and over silly things. In my teen years, she wanted me to come to her to talk about what was going on in my life and I didn't feel like I could because I was scared. I would come home and my room would be turned upside down looking like it had been robbed as she was looking for anything she could find to see what I was up to. That made me not trust being able to come to her at all. This one time she was yet again invading my private space and all I did was hold onto her shoulders and say "mum please just go.. I want to be alone. Let me have my privacy" she then claimed that I had tried to push her down the stairs. She then started yelling out for help and to call the police and that scared me. I told my dad when he got home and he said he would talk to her. She was on medication from her GP for it was depression at the time that much I know. But things like this would happen frequently.

My parents wouldn't let me be independent. I always assumed it was because my brother left home for another country when he was young and didn't return (at least not permanently) so I figured their feelings were they felt like they had lost him, and weren't going to lose me too. I asked to move out when I was 18 they said no, I asked again when I was 23 they said no. In my 20s I had to message them every two hours to let them know where I was and what I was doing. I once walked to the corner store and I wasn't back in 15 minutes so they came looking for me. When I was with a guy late one night they even called every surname under his in the phone book until they got his parents and then got them to call the guy to tell me that I am to be picked up immediately and I remember my dad going ballistic for me being there. I was in my late 20s at that point.

I have been telling myself that mum was just in a hard place. She was dealing with depression and maybe the meds weren't the right ones for her. My parents loved me that was clear so much so that they were overprotective, but it was only because they didn't want to lose me. Right? Or am I just making up excuses?

Hi again,

I have the following comments

  • Grief should never be a competition. I've grieved more for an animal than some relatives
  • In life especially www they'll always be someone that has that streak of a need to dominate.
  • 15% of people are HSP- highly sensitive people. Google it.
  • Trauma- my interpretation is- an event/s that has adverse mental effect that leave us damaged to the point whereby you require treatment.
  • As we mature and age we can naturally overcome some issues from our childhood as we begin to accept that it's part of life. After all life is rocky not smooth. Well always have death, injury, turmoil and so on. The trick is to ensure your rest if your life is valued, enjoyed and rewarded so much so it flood's the negatives.
  • I helped z mother of 4 young kids change a flat tyre in 53 degree heat. At the end she drove off without thinking me. I was hurt. Then I realised- I didn't change her tyre for her verbal appreciation, I did it as it was the right thing to do. I praised myself.. Thankless people are everywhere but appreciative people are also. I valued myself and my efforts, my endeavours greater that that lady's rudeness. In fact I feel sorry for those sort of people. They miss out on ones greatest gift.... giving.
  • Google- beyondblue topic the good Samaritan

TonyWK

StevenK
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Here’s a hard truth my friend, we don’t owe anybody anything and we don’t expect others to owe us. The role of a child to a parent ends at 18 the rest is formed with the ego, what do I mean, people feel guilty if they don’t look after there parents, yes to some degree you have to, but you have to have your own life and own well being and own love first before you can help others,

and so you have been conditioned to believe that it’s your responsibility to of had to care for your family.

i know this sounds counter intuitive believe me I love people unconditionally but we have to look after ourselves first.

and so that’s why your sibling has been distant, it’s not our job to care financially for others I’m sorry but god didn’t put you on this earth for you not to live out your own purpose and karma.

snd so depression comes from a story we tell ourselves. It can be shifting blame on your sibling. It can be that subconsciously your felt guilty and responsible for everything.

how do we rebuild? The trick is to start creating new experiences and re wire the brain. We have to feed ourselves with positive messages until the subconscious mind is more positive then negative

we do this by reading self development books, and listening to motivation talks while commuting. We have to invest in ourselves.

It mite be too early for you to get back to work, and maybe your feeling guilty because society and other people don’t get it. That’s why we start with baby steps

baby Steps like excersising every day, meeting up with people for coffee, being brave and open and vulnerable

Depression is a message from the soul that something is not right and you have to go back and start fixing stuff. You have to go back to the root cause of it. I’m sure you may even feel that you were burdened by looking after your parents.

truth is we create the world we live in by the choices we made, and your parents made choices throughout there life that got them to where they are and financially as well.

We can’t be responsible for what happens to others. That’s not your job, your job is to become the best version of yourself that you can , after that then you can help others

StevenK
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Part two, focus on others, random acts of kindness, by flowers, give someone a gift. When we focus on cheering others up we don’t see our own problems. We love to contribute to other peoples happiness

if you want to change how you feel, you need to change your point of attraction and karmic power

out Thoughts create our emotions and behavior. So we have to essentially change our thinking, we do this by books, by being in a positive enviroment.

by being in nature walking bare foot on sand or earth. By being compassionate to ourselves, by doing what brings us joy.

it’s a long journey it won’t happen over night, but eventually people and ideas will come up to help you.

believe it, we are meant to be happy joyous and loved, all of it comes from internally. It’s just we got programmed into negativity, society is negative as well.

working is good for helping the mind to be present. Don’t see work as a money thing, use it as therapy. Your contributing to the world

I went many years suicidal, I’ve been the worst of the worst, I’ve loved it and come out the other side, I did everything I could to change my attitude and life

i Learned from successful people, I hired a life coach, I read books, I excersise daily. I practiced being kind to others, I became love by loving others.

Read eckhart tolle the power of now

read the untethered soul by Michael singer read them multiple times.
you need to get in touch with your spiritual being!!!

if you change your focus to being kind and self compassionate, to taking baby steps your life will change

most Often we don’t like feeling depressed so we fight and push it away, instead of accepting it, and moving towards your feelings, allow yourself to be vulnerable it’s ok.

we treat the symptom not the cause. So change that. Focus on solutions. Get outside help, find a coach, be around positive uplifting people, go church

Excersise, exposure therapy, start small. God will help you out I promise, he can only hope when we decide to act and think like a person worthy.

you are special, and your pain will give you more empathy, pain my friend moulds is into a force to be reckoned with , people like me and you go very far in life, when we flip the script

Go read David Goggins book called can’t hurt me, read that asap.

life is 10% what Happens, and 90% of how we react.