Depressed

[JacintaMarie]

Hi

How are you? Sorry, I'm back & I can't get my mind off of the thought that my management at work is not good.

They're okay. I think I need to leave, but I'm terrible at getting jobs. 

Plus too, I'm the only one who thinks our management is not doing a good job! My brain has given up & I don't want to have ideas, as no one likes them & they don't like change.

Most people there think management are the best (I don't say anything, as it wouldn't be professional) , which makes me more lonely as I'm the only one and I feel bad & guilty.

Don't get me wrong, their not bad people, just not good managers, more into the money. 

I'm so bad, that I've been wishing for directors or judges or lawyers to tell them what to do.

I can't seem to rid my brain of this thought, to just do my work.

I can't go to HR, as they can't do anything - I'm an awful awful person, for even thinking how hopeless they are - plus too, they act like their doing a wonderful job - so I'm wrong

Thanks for letting me rant - and I am trying to find another job, but it's hard & than I get more depressed, because there's probably more bad management out there & so there's no point in leaving...

I've been doing really great, & now...

On the bright side, it was a nice day today...

I understand why people get depressed at work, but also sad as management are people, but can't see the wood for the trees, that people can't talk to them, to tell the truth. I can now understand how court cases happen because of it, but that's useless as unless people want to change, they won't. 

But also too, in the world, there's no hope as bad management stays in organisations- no one cares.

[JacintaMarie]

Hi Croix

Sorry I had my holidays & it was good, - had my first day back, which was okay, was nervous.

I didn't sleep last night & I yesterday afternoon I wondered why I thought my management was crap, they do everything "legal". Its just inside of me & this morning, I'm crying & wondering what's wrong with me.

On holidays I bumped my bumper, so it needs to be fixed, & at time, I felt so idiotic...I have scratched my newish car, I can't even keep it safe & even at home, I'm clumsily, I drop liquid from my cup, I've dented my wall, & that was when I was being careful. 

Feel abit better, but just don't know what's wrong with me. I think I do need to leave there, but I'm crap at applying for jobs & interviews, & at same time, have to fix myself before I move on - but I don't seem to be fixing myself, & 

[Croix]

Dear JacintaMarie~

Welcome back, nice to hear your holiday was good. Please don't worry about the car, if it goes that's the main thing, if the mishaps are worth it get them fixed. My partner has a nice little car, but one day after visiting the supermaket there was a big dent where someone else had opened there door far too hard. A pity,  maybe we will get it fixed one day, it's still a nice little car.

When I"m stressed with an anxiety condition I get clumsy, slop cups, hit furniture with my leg or do other annoying (and sometimes painful) things. Have you considered going to your GP and explain these times of being clumsy? Might be something quite simple.

The same applies to being so upset, crying and wondering what is wrong with yourself. I'm not sure if you have seen a clinician as yet, if not maybe a good idea, and if you have please tell them their remedies are not working. You need and deserve a happier life.

Croix

[JacintaMarie]

Hi Croix

Thanks for that, yes when I'm being anxious I do do stupid things or when brain is funny - just annoyed at stupidly.

I'm glad I didn't hurt anyone.

I got a self help book for birthday called "The subtle way of not giving a f***" & its has helped me.

I've been caring too much about their behaviours when I can't do anything.

Don't know if my brain can move on.

But I am hoping I can move on, its a no where place. 

[Croix]

Dear JacintaMarie~

At one stage I felt it was all me, and I'd take that with me wherever I went or did, a bit like a snail carries its home with it. If I'd been told at that tme that I could change I'd not have believed it, I'd just think it was some do-gooder who had no idea talking.

I was wrong of course, my brain has changed through time, therapy, medications, support and a different environment, so now I do not have anything like the hassles I had before. My brain has adapted. I'm not sure of the technical term, neuroplasticity perhaps.

So I'm sure you can change too and not be anxious all the time, and make more wise decisions as a result

I might look in my library and see if they have that book

Croix

[JacintaMarie]

Hi Croix

I do think its me, too, the book said, you need to take responsibility/fault. All the team leaders, I think they're crap,but as Mum says, it must be me, I know a couple were learning, but it was the way they reacted and spoke.

Also too, I've been comparing them to my old manager & getting angry & annoyed at them.

Funnily enough, when I've accepted they're not like her, I feel better, she was a doer & cared about helping the students.  The ones now, they're not doers & just I guess "good on paper" - they're just clicking yes to the director, to keep them happy. 

I don't know about managers, but they fo need to be doers, & think of future.

But again, they're not doers. Sooner I accept that, the better I will be.

I was stupid in wanting the place where I work to be dynamic & top notch, its enough to just have my house & garden good.

Though I did read about multipotentiality.

[Croix]

Dear JacintaMarie~

You sound more settled and at peace than before and I"m glad. Realizing that some corporations and firms are staffed with  those with no vision is a big step, it takes the weight off you and places it where it belongs. If they cna't handle innovation - well so be it, their loss.

The face you do think of innovations is a huge plus, and I'm sure one day you will find a niche where that is encouraged and appreciated.

In the meantime the smaller world of you and you house and garden can be satisfying.

As I told you, it is too easy to blame yourself when in fact it is an illness placing thoughts of worthlessness in your head. I was in that trap for many years, but not now. Sure I take responsibility if I do something wrong, or make a mistake, but have confidence it is me no more often than others, it's a balance.

Do you have any plans for your garden?

Croix

[JacintaMarie]

Hi Croix, 

Thanks, am slowly getting peace, but its amazing how comparing two people can do it. I do feel better, now I'm not expecting them to do anything. 

Hopefully I can keep at it.

Garden I put border up to stop mulch on path. 

I should have realized what kind of people they are 

Oh, I try not to act like this at work, though its hard having "two faces" but necessary, as I can't tell them the truth.

Best thing is to try to lrave

[Croix]

Dear JacintaMarie~

Sometimes it is better to have low expectations of particular people, when you realiseit is them, not you, then one does not need to fret over their actions.

It's not really wearing a mask, just behaving at thier level at work and being yourself at home and other places. 

Putting a border round beds can be a good idea, I'm afraid in my garden once you tidy up the mulch several small birds scratch it all up wiht bits flying everywhere as they dig and  go down for worms and insects. They have a fun time:)

It's amazing how much mess one small bird can create.

Croix

[JacintaMarie]

Hi again

I've been okay, but I can't stop my anger about my management. I go okay than I get angry than depressed.

I don't have evidence against them, just a gut feeling. I think I'm the only one, as everyone else thinks their great. 

My brain is getting filled up with crap & its sore in my head. I don't know why I can't let it go, & just them get on with it, as they'll be found out sooner or later, but I just can't. And do my work & just get paid. I think it might be because I don't think their very good & gotta find evidence, so government can rid of them.

I want my brain to be peaceful, but don't know how.

And it is terrible to think your management are not very good & they'll be there until they retire, so between 9 and 28 years.

Just want peace in brain & to be able to let them go. All my ideas are stupid, the people aren't doers & you need to climb up to make changes.

Also depressing, is that even if I leave, the new place will be the same, so gotta "fix" myself before I leave. 

It was my fault, as I write this, I made my head sore.

[Jessica_Cloud]

I hear your struggle. Our brains can be so cruel to us. One thing that you might try is to look for the evidence that what your brain is saying is true. If you can’t find actual evidence, then maybe you can tell your brain to shut up and stop being mean. Feelings are not evidence. Feelings are not facts. A mere belief is not the same as knowing a fact. Challenge your thinking and be wiser and smarter than your unhelpful automatic thoughts. You can do this.