so tired of it all

[Greenz]

I am very lonely and suffer social phobia  - no friends that I can talk to.I have suffered depression most of my life due to my upbringing and anxiety has got worse and worse over the past few years. I feel like a huge failure. I have just turned 50 and am living on newstart and trying to raise my 2 children on my own. I have nothing - i live day to day and have no savings, my mother owns the house and I pay her rent. She is 77 and struggles to pay the mortgage on the house she bought 9 years ago so that the children and i would have somewhere stable to live. I am in my last year of uni studying law. This last year has been a particular struggle - I just don't feel i can go on with uni anymore at this point. I just need a rest or a holiday something I have not had for a long time as a single parent.

What i really want is for someone to take care of me - silly - I am not cut out for this world. If i could i would live on my own in a hut in the bush with lots of animals around - animals are safe. I look at other people who have friends and partners and jobs and I feel such a failure as it all seems so hard for me and so normal for everyone else. 

My poor babies had to witness their mother crying and hopeless the other day. What a sense of security that gave them!

Is there a world were people like me can live quietly without societies expectations and the pressures of a place that I do not want to be part of? I would like to sit in the sun and not feel guilty or that I am a failure  - at 50 with nothing.

[laura86]

Hi Greenz,

Thank you for posting here- please know that you are not alone anymore, we are here to help you.

Firstly you are clearly not a failure! You are raising 2 children and doing a law degree- that's amazing in my opinion! If you are struggling at uni due to depression and anxiety a doctor or therapist can give you a letter for special consideration due to illness. My friend had the same issue and that's what he did.

You are not hopeless- remember that depression and anxiety make us feel this way! I'm not sure where you live but I've started going to a local support group in my area. It's only $5 and you don't have to talk, you can just sit and listen. It has been so great for me just to know I'm not alone and people can heal themselves. I would strongly recommend doing a search to see if there is something like this in your area. The one I go to is run through ADAVIC but there are lots of others. Even give Beyond Blue a call and talk to them about these options.

Please don't think that you are nothing because to your kids, you are their whole world. Any problems or dark feelings you're having just talk them out with us here on the forums and give Beyond Blue or similar a call if you want to talk with a 'real' person.

Let us know how you're doing.

Much love,

Laura

xx