Slowly coming apart

[Quietwulf]

I'm 39, having worked full time since I was 20.

I hold down a fairly well paid job in I.T and have done so for 10 years.

I have no debt, rent a place on my own, pay my bills.

I have a girl I've been seeing for the last 2 years. She says she's in love with me.

From the outside, my life appears to be pretty set.

Inside, I am slowly coming apart. Slowly dying a little more each day. Unable to deal growing sense of crushing failure and disconnection.

I am bitterly disappointed that having worked so hard to build my life... I'm unhappy. Miserable. Empty.

Nothing brings me any real joy. I never feel elation, or pride. I never feel the rush of passion when I make love to my girlfriend. I'm numb. I set goals, achieve them and feel nothing. I strive to make some positive change in my life, only to find that when I finally achieve them.. I feel nothing. Then I feel anger.. So much anger at being cheated. Where is my peace? Where is my satisfaction in a job well done? Where is the warmth of holding a lover?

I've tried a variety of drugs, spent thousands on therapy. In the end, they usually just send me away. They're used to dealing with people who've had real problems. Child abuse, PTSD, divorce, bereavement. What am I doing wasting the time of a therapist.

I have failed in every way that mattered to me. I am broken inside and I just don't know what to do anymore. I think about leaving my girlfriend daily. I think about calling my best friend and abusing him for abandoning me when I need him the most. I think about the disappointment of my family.

I thought I'd have it figured out by now, but I'm lost.

Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I just be happy.

[quirkywords]

Quietwulf,

I am pleased you have taken the step to open up and share your story. This is a safe, supportive , caring and non judgmental place.

I was diagnosed with bipolar at 16 and I have always felt guilty because most of the people I know who have bipolar had childhood trauma or suffered some traumatic event as an adult. I used to think why would I get this, I had a wonderful childhood loving parents, etc.

The thing is just because you have a good childhood doesn't mean that as an adult you won't have problems.

I don't like the word failed it is such a strong word.

You have a well paid job,you have no debts and you pay your bills. You having a loving girlfriend. As you say too many people you are a success and you have a good life.

Have you every felt joy or passion or this lack of joy something that has happened in the last few years or since you have been an adult?

Have you been diagnosed with depression?

I am just tyring to find out a bit more by asking questions.

I can understand how frustrated and cheated you feel .

How has your best friend abandoned you when you need him the most.?

Thanks again for telling us about your story.

Quirky

[Quietwulf]

Thank you quirky for writing. It means a lot to know that others in this place understand.

quirkywords said:

Have you every felt joy or passion or this lack of joy something that has happened in the last few years or since you have been an adult?

Have you been diagnosed with depression?

How has your best friend abandoned you when you need him the most.?

I used to be able to feel normally when I was younger. I used to have the full range of emotions; I was a very passionate person. I felt emotions very deeply and was a sensitive kid. I was easily hurt.

When I got older, the bouts of depression got worse and more frequent. I'd have attacks lasting anywhere from a few hours to a few days every couple of weeks. Then I'd cycle back around and feel better.

I ended up going to see a psychiatrist who formally diagnosed me with clinical depression and helped me begin my journey on medication. I've been medicated now for a few years.

My best friend is like a mirror to the life I might have lived. He fell in love and married his second girlfriend, holds a very successful job in I.T. management and has just had his first child. Everything I wanted for my own life he's achieved, right on schedule.

Since the birth of his child, he's basically vanished. I get that children are a full time job, but I'm not asking for him to hit the clubs every weekend. Just a phone call now and then to shoot the breeze would be cool. Just to feel like he still gives a shit. I was the best man at the guys wedding!

I want to fix my life. I'm a problem solver by nature. But I just can't gain any traction. I try to develop new habits, only to sabotage myself. I try to go to bed early, only to wake up at 3am in the morning, unable to sleep. I try to eat well, control my weight, but I've gained 20kg over the last few years, probably in part to the medication.

I'm just so frustrated. I don't want this. I didn't ask for this. I'm trying to do better.. I just feel like I can't get out from under this.