Sister moving in bringing up old triggers

[Saoirse_M]

I started to feel more like myself last year as I made some progress with my mental health after feeling deeply depressed and anxious for a long time. I’ve just started my last semester of uni before I graduate, then I’m doing honours.
Last year my older sister and her husband decided to stop renting and start doing housesitting to save for a house deposit . I’ve never had a good relationship with her and I can’t stand her husband for extended periods of time. Knowing that there would be gaps in between the housesitting my mum said that they could stay with us, and they did for 3 weeks. I had told my mum that I didn’t think I would be able to cope if they stayed with us for longer than a week and that maybe she could set some boundaries for how long they could stay with us. She said that she would never turn away her daughter. It's my mum’s house so obviously I just had to accept it. During my uni break all I really wanted was to spend time alone to try to take better care of myself so I felt so disappointed. When they left I thought it would be the last time they would stay for so long. Then in January they moved back in (there weren’t any housesits because of the bushfires) and they’ve been here almost 3 months (now it's the coronavirus). They’re going on a short trip but after that it seems like they’re going to live here indefinitely.

Up until recently my sister was unemployed and was home with me everyday, whilst job searching she had frequent meltdowns. She has her own mental health problems is in denial, even though we encourage her and my mum even gave her $1000 to pay for sessions she still hasn’t seen a psychologist. When my sister and her husband fight in the house makes me feel physically sick. Inside I could feel myself sinking to despair that I haven’t felt in years. It feels like I don’t have my own space anymore, the kitchen and the house is a mess because there isn’t enough room for their stuff.

I’ve started seeing a new psychologist, I’m still on medication I started last year, and I go to yoga classes every week. But I don’t have the capacity to cope anymore. I’m so stressed by uni and by home that it feels impossible to focus on my assignments. I just feel hopeless and out of control of my own life. I felt really hopeful about this year in terms of my mental health getting better in a way that I have rarely felt, now I just feel crushed and I can't afford to move out.

I loved this house but it doesn’t even feel like my home anymore.

[WithoutApaddle]

Hi Saoirse M

We have some of the least affordable housing in the world. So you are not alone in your struggle to find some private space.

Congratulations on almost graduating. Finding a good work / school / life balance is difficult at the best of times. So it's awesome that you have come this far!

I myself live with my inlaws, and find myself (a 30 y/o male) hiding in our bedroom. If you are financially unable to live alone, is a share house or campus housing a possibility?

if all else fails you may find the library a good alternative to studying at home.

Good luck 😃

[Saoirse_M]

Hi WithoutApaddle,

Thanks for your support. Things have been building up for a while now so I've ended up in a bit of a self-pitying phase.

I already spent many years already hiding in my bedroom while my parents were going through their divorce, so it's been particularly tough to be constantly reminded of what that was like and feels like a regression back to a situation that I thought I wouldn't have to deal with anymore. Hope you find a better living situation soon too!

Thanks for the advice! I might try going to the library again but the coronavirus scare doesn't make it that appealing to spend a lot of time in crowded public spaces. What a world aye

[smallwolf]

Hi and welcome to beyond blue.

it seems your life has been interrupted not so much by your older sister (?) but the fights you mention and the state of the house which probably makes it difficult for you to study. It would be natural for you to be reminded your parents divorce when they fight. Some also reminded me of the serenity prayer - it is a reminder of what I am or not in control of.

speaking on which... what are you studying?

the idea of using the library is an excellent suggestion - there are perhaps a lot of advantages actually - the other books you need for assignments, a good internet connection, quiet. You could treat the time there like a job.

If you are studying at home and I assume there is a desk in your room, and in which case studying with headphone should remove most of the outside noise.

That won't remove the mess...

Have you told your mum about the how you are feeling? Or your sister? Is it possible for their stuff to be stored somewhere?

Everyone seems concerned about the virus at the moment - though perhaps one way to distract yourself with everything in the home might be to join a club? Or perhaps work experience in an organisation in the area (field of study) that you want to work in.

Lastly congrats on study and hope you get into honours.

Tim