Sinner

[_Sinner_]

I’m an alcoholic. I smoke. I’m heart broken. Got bills and no money. No job. I wake up everyday, feeling the guilt sink in. Feeling worthless/ a failure. No motivation. I just want to feel numb all the time. But I know I can’t be this depressed anymore. My life’s going up in flames and I just . Don’t. Know. What. To. Do. ✞

[David35]

Sounds like you've had some rough times. Lack of structure in the day can be depressing itself. It can become a vicious circle. I'm sad because I haven't done anything. And I haven't done anything because I'm so sad. The secret is to do something small whether you like it or not. Maybe tidy a room or the shed up, go for a walk, do some shopping. Then at least you feel good about accomplishing something.

When I was in my darkest days, my dad got me painting pots. You would think it would be the most boring job in the world. But for a small amount of effort, you can get a large reward. They look like brand new! Sanding and varnishing windows sills was another. When your mind is occupied it pushes away the feelings of worthlessness too.It might also take your mind off alcohol too which can help with money problems.

Part of the reason I didn't feel good was because I had nothing to do. But if I had to wait until

 I felt good , I never would have taken up woodworking. The task comes first, then the satisfaction.

Just another tip, don't think of everything at once. Just tackle one small part of your life you can work on. Otherwise it can become overwhelming.

Hope this helps.

[mmMekitty]

Hello _Sinner_ & thanks for your post, which I know was hard to write & post here.

That's a lot going on. Starting anywhere would be better than remaining where you are. I am thinking along the same lines as David35, in that you've got yourself in this rut & are stuck, feeling overwhelmed when you think how much you need to change about your life. I agree, small steps, at first, then keep adding to the things you achieve each day. It's up to you, so I think the first thing is to make a commitment to yourself, & if you don't think you can trust to meet your own promise to yourself, find someone who you can answer to, someone who will help you keep going & who can help with ways to get done everything you need. Someone like yourself might like AA. I think their approach could also help with to quit smoking too. Getting off the drink & smokes will save you a lot of money & do your health a lot of good.

You could also speak with a GP. They could help find other resources too.

I had quit drinking & smoking on my own many years ago. It's rare that I even think of it anymor - mostly because I notice how expensive it would be if I was still doing those things.

Reading your post though, I think you could use some help. I'd suggest both the GP & AA for a start. Then you might think about some sort of therapy to help you to further get your life on track

It'll be hard, but not impossible. 

You can also continue to talk here on BB, too.

& there is BB's own counselling service on: 1300 224 636, there 24hrs a day.

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[yours_truly]

Hey there! 

I know it’s difficult to have the courage to come out here and talk about how you really feel. So, congratulations on completing such a hard step and reaching out. 

I can see a lot of self hate and even some of the blame myself game going on. I know that the vicious cycle of hating on yourself and punishing yourself for the slightest mistakes can be strong. Even so more for the mistakes we consider to be huge. So, when you ask where to start, one of the biggest and most important steps is forgiving yourself. Only then can you find the space and time on your mind to think about how to structure your day to get something done. 

I’d like to recommend small goal setting and then upgrading along the pathway. Let’s just say you start off by washing a single dish every 3 hours and then by the end of the week you have  washed 6 dishes until they are all clean. I’ve used this before and it’s really worked. In the long run I see the difference and it makes me feel so good when I compare to when I wasn’t productive!!

Just know that depression and bad thoughts aren’t your fault and it doesn’t make you a failure. When you’re so exhausted that you aren’t motivated, when you feel so awful that all you want to do is hide away, none of that is your fault. When you fight battles, you have to recuperate and there is no arguing that. So give yourself the rest and time that you need, don’t push yourself and start off small. 

Yours_truly :))

[_Sinner_]

Thanks for everyone’s support and advice, but I think my depression runs a lot deeper. 
I lost my job in 2022. I fell at work from the front step and fell on both elbows. Thinking about it makes me cry because it’s one of the worst things that could of happened to me. I called a friend to help me pack up work I was in so much pain- I got home tried to use my right arm in the toilet- Nope. Something was really wrong. Called my friend and said take me to the hospital. I’d fractured my right elbow. 
Had to do a workers comp claim, I was put in a full arm cast. (Which is nothing to some people but I’ve never fractured or broken anything or been in this situation) I had 5 different people from the workers comp calling me, I didn’t understand any of it. I wasn’t even told I had to therapy afterwards. Getting doctors certificates,  I got my cast off just before Xmas. My arm was black & blue- it looked like a dead arm from a dead body. I couldn’t move it still. While I had my cast on- I was all alone. I sat on the floor of my bed room floor not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Anyway… I had to do physically therapy to get my L shaped arm to have mobility because I still had none I couldn’t use it. Then in 2022 while I’m still doing therapy, going to the doctor to get my certificate to say that I cannot work, Icare calls me- workers comp - my boss has let me go- I lost my job- so that set fuel to the flame. I was devastated! On top of that- the floods twice in lismore happened! I had no arm, had no idea what was going on… lucky my unit didn’t get flooded- but over the two floods- the power was out for over a week. So I had no phone to contact anyone, no food. My own family didn’t even call to see if I’m ok. And of course lismore was ruined- and that was depressing within it self. And all those months went by and I literally sat in a deep depression drinking & smoking and not giving a BEEP if I lived or didn’t. My right arm cracks and hurts. I hate it! It’s a reminder of that day/ time in my life. There is a bit more to this but I feel this is enough for now. 
And now it’s 2023 and I still wake up feeling that dreaded feeling of Why? Why am I here, I have no job. I have no idea what or where I want my life to be. 
I don’t have anyone to talk to, I live alone. I’ve literally organised everything in my unit, cleaned everything (everything went mouldy from all water from the floods) I’ve gotten rid of stuff I don’t need. I’ve tried to get into plants- they gave me happiness for a little while. I drink & smoke from the moment I wake up till I go to bed. I cannot cope without it, it’s the only thing that makes me feel numb. Stop the thoughts of pain then sleep. Then unfortunately I have nightmares.. so it’s a lose lose. 
‘what am I going to do with me.. ?’

[mmMekitty]

I'm so sorry thing have happened the way they have. It certainly feels like a ton of weight on your shoulders.

You ask, "What am I going to do with me...?" Because I am not you, I can'treally answer that question. I'd like to focus on what you can do for yourself, & I think talking to someone about that could help towards living a life that is at least, not so miserable. 

Having spent many years denying my own emotions, & pretty much 'existing' & finding myself in relationships which I had to, at best, end, at worsst, escape, until my emotions asserted themselves & I found I could not control them anymore, I understand how hard it is to face overwhelming emotions. Hard as it is, facing t;hem, naming them & eventually accepting them had made life very much more tolerable. I found a psychiatrist, who helped me begin. But left, moving interstate.

I saw someone else, who turned not to be so helpful like that. But I stuck with him too long, as with any relationship which I was in.

For a while I turned to drinking as a crutch, like you, wanting to numb the emotions, thinking I could cope if I could do that. But I wasn't thinking straight. It wasn't helping at all. & I still had problems coping with everyday life & being myself.

That Dr#2 eventually had me on antidepressants, & told me about certain side-effects, which convinced me to quit drinking.  But the way he treated me got me angry, & eventually, expressing it to him, so I guess he 'helped' me do that. 

Now I see someone else, my current psychiatrist, who has helped most of all. I am doing much better. I'm getting fitter & healthier in my body as well. Yeah, mind & body have their problems. I may not solve them all.

I know, it's a tough road. Knowing I needed help was the first step of many I took down this road I'm on. Is cleaning the mould from your unit your first step? I don't know. Could it be...?

Hugzies

mmMekitty

[_Sinner_]

Can anyone help me. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you as you come here looking for some light and support.

The forums here are an incredible place where so many people come to make sense of how they feel, what they face and the way forward. I'm glad you gave yourself the freedom to come here at such a trying time in your life. There are some absolutely beautiful people here making a difference to others. Hope you return to express yourself more while finding a new perspective from those who may be able to help in the ways you need.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Sinner

I understand you are overwhelmed with so much going on.

& it seems I haven't been much help.

Of all that you have been struggling with, is there one area where you can begin to make some changes? It doesn't have to be what I suggested, or what anyone else says. Choosing something yourself is what's important, to make a start.

You can call BB Counsellors directly on 1300 224 636, & they can offer more help to you than I could do in these forums.

& if you don't like to phone & talk, there is the 'Online Chat' link at the bottom of this page.

[Sialani]

Hello, I’m so sorry to hear you have been struggling and feeling this way for some time now. I can only begin to image how difficult and hard this must be for you right now. The smallest thing can mean so much and by you being able to see how this makes you feel is the first step to positive change and lifestyle for yourself. Try not to think and do all at once. Take each moment as it comes. Never be ashamed to look for help online or in person. Always remember to surround yourself with people who want to see you happy and well, people who celebrate small things. Only you as a person can be strong enough to change your emotions and way of thinking to help start making your every day to day life what you really want and need. Know you are not alone and have come to a safe place to be heard and understood and seen. You should be so proud of yourself for reaching out in this time of need and help to change your life around for the better. You are enough and you are worthy. I believe you can overcome these next moments moving forward.