Screaming into the void

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Ever feel like the one post in a hundred with no response is always yours? Like the voice in a group chat that everyone talks around is always yours? Like so much of what you say is just screaming into the void, along with thousands of other voices all needing to be heard, but going unrecognised, unremarked, relegated to the unimportant.

It doesn't always happen, but so, so often. I feel incredibly isolated, and covid sure isn't helping. Those things above, and the way "friends" disappear without a word for months and say they thought I was fine and didn't need them, even when my last words to them were literally "I'm not okay". I really don't know how much more specific I can be.

Mostly I'm used to it, even like being on my own for the most part, I'm an introvert after all. But inevitably that unfortunate human need for companionship, for friends, comes to the fore and mocks me. There are schemes involved here, a start in life bereft of parental affection or social support, all that soppy stuff shrinks like to ask about. In these moments I write things like this post, to get it out, but with no belief it will be anything more than another unheeded scream into that damnable void. My depression rubs its hands together in glee.

I guess this is a space of solidarity for those feeling the same. Or a void of nothingness for my words to fall into. One of those. So help me, it all makes me so tired.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey mmMekitty,

Thank you for replying. I don't think it matters if you remember which threads you saw me on. It's nice you remember. I've noticed your replies to people, always eloquent and thoughtful. I think you put a lot of time and energy into your replies and perhaps don't want to speak unless you have the energy to do that - I'm like that, so I pick my regular threads carefully, put my energy where I feel it can do the most good.

I agree with you about new threads disappearing. I'd say the same of some old threads, like my own, that sit unseen for months. The forums are designed more for bringing in new people than taking care of the old hands, and I don't think either are being served as well as they could be. An "Unanswered (Active) Threads" section as well as a "New Threads" section could be invaluable to some of us, and a good tool for community champs to keep track.

I get the overwhelm with new threads, I reply where I can but often get triggered by them myself and have to step back. I also know mine don't necessarily come up as unanswered because it's not unusual for me to reply myself with stuff like "Uh, anyone...?" so it says 2 posts...

I think "Hi, I hear you" is a perfectly valid response. We always want to say more, sometimes we can't. It still counts.

My thread was called "Hey look, a birdie! (How to function with ADHD.)", in the Staying Well section. Didn't work. Some have said they want to talk about ADHD, but there you go.

Yeah I know people come and go. This time a vacuum got left in my thread and didn't get filled. 😕 As for Croix, I hope he comes back feeling refreshed.

I'll be around. Thanks for listening.

Blue.

[redroses]

hey blues.

i agree, and i'm sorry that's happening. i hope they can find out what's happening with your partner. it's scary getting a diagnosis but sometimes it can help so you can try to get the right treatment, same with mental illnesses i suppose.

which thread is yours in the long term support? i'll try to find it.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey Rob (mind if I call you Rob, for short?),

Yeah, it's scary. Anything that can happen to him after a transplant is scary. Even a cold is dangerous to him. I wish they were more sure of what is wrong. They're into "just in case" treatment for stuff it might be while they continue looking into it. That's stressful and hard on him too. I wish we had answers, and some idea of when he can come home.

My thread is "Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)". Wordy title I know, I'm a verbose creature.

Kind thoughts,

Blue.

[redroses]

you can call me Tayla since that's my name, i just couldn't think of another username. but i was mb20lover.

hmm i'll try & find it later. i hope things get better for you & your partner.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks Tayla. I thought that was your name, but when I asked, the question got removed.

No improvements yet, but something's gotta give sooner or later. Cheers for caring.

[redroses]

all good. sorry the question got removed. i just write my first name here to clarify i'm a female, i should've thought of a better username. i checked out your thread & replied.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Your username is fine, don't worry about it. Thanks, I found your reply. 🙂