Hi people. I'll try nutshell this as much as possible. 39 yr old male.
Life has just become overwhelming, yet empty. At a young age, my parents
divorced, and my mum moved us far away from our dad. He was a great dad,
and did nothing wrong, but due to...
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Hi people. I'll try nutshell this as much as possible. 39 yr old male.
Life has just become overwhelming, yet empty. At a young age, my parents
divorced, and my mum moved us far away from our dad. He was a great dad,
and did nothing wrong, but due to this, hasnt been there since I was 12.
My mother ending up moving again, I refused, and have been navigating
life alone since I was 15. I got into a toxic relationship, and having
no support, I stayed, and also got married. After almost 15 years, it
finally came to an end, but not before we had our son. Not seeing him
everyday broke my heart. I had him every weekend, and I cherished him.
He was a mini me, he was all I had. My ex then met someone 1000kms away
and decided she wanted to take our son and move. I could have taken her
to court and stopped her, but I didnt. I didnt want to drag my little
boy through court. She lived with her family, and it was toxic. Even if
I won, it meant i kept her trapped here, in a toxic situation, away from
her new partner. I just wanted my son to be happy, and that means his
mother needs to be stable and happy too. I reluctantly let her go,
knowing she would be happy, he would be okay, and the only one who would
suffer would be me. And suffer I do. This happened almost 2 years ago,
when my boy was 4. I ring every week. I send him gifts. I pay my child
support and give extra for things like sport etc, even though i'm not
very well off at all. I only get to see him 4 times a year now. I make
the 2000km return trip, to spend school holidays with him. But it just
breaks my heart. Last time we said goodbye, I could barely drive home,
and cried for hundreds of kms. I just feel like I failed, even though
its not my fault. Im not a dad to him, even though I wanted to be. I'm
not sucsessful, or rich, or even have a career. I rent an old farm
house. I have old cars. I know that stuff isnt meant to be important,
but everyone around is doing so much better. I cant even do the free
thing of showing my boy I love him, supporting him, teaching him. It was
stripped from me, and its scarred me. I cant get over it. That i wont be
important to him later in life. That he will feel like I wasnt there for
him. That i wasnt there to help, teach and support him. That I miss out
on all his milestones. It just breaks me over and over again, and I cant
stop thinking about it. Ive had depression for the last 10 years, and am
on antidepressants. But lately, I just feel empty, hurt, and my soul is
tired.