I’ve been getting steadily worse

[Guest_366278]

Tonight I’ve realised I have been drinking consistently (almost every weekend) over the last 6 years. I am 23 so this has been going on since I was around 16-17.
recently though, I have realised I have been drinking to get drunk rather than to have a good time.
even after 2-3 drinks on what was supposed to be a ‘quiet night’ I have to get really drunk.
when I’m out with my friends and we’re not far away from heading home, rather than slowing down I begin to drink faster because I don’t think I’m drunk enough, even after a full night (9pm-4am) drinking. I’ll probably drink 3 more drinks in that hour before we leave just to get myself as drunk as possible before it’s time to go home.
i don’t drink during the week but on the weekends I can’t help myself. I can’t remember the last weekend that went by without me contemplating whether or not to get drunk.
I have also realised I have had anxiety for a long time.
this has steadily been getting worse and is at a point now where I can’t go a day without having an intrusive thought.
I have a lot going on in my personal life and I’m very stressed.
I’m doing very well in my job. I’ve recently earned myself a promotion, I work full time and I’m studying a Diploma which I am about to finish.
this all feels fake to me.
I feel as if I have manipulated myself into this position. I feel as if I don’t deserve these successes and that I have faked my way to where I am professionally.
I am so sick of this heavy feeling.
do you think I could be depressed?

[therising]

Hi Crowley

It sounds like you're witnessing your own 'brilliance', the deep need to 'shed light' on your self and your life. Would you say one of the toughest things about discovering your own brilliance involves the question 'Now that I feel I know what I need to look closer at, where the heck do I go from here?'

Being an ex drinker who spent a number of years in depression, once I came out of depression I discovered the need to know why I used to drink. I'm wondering if you can relate: Drinking led me to feel more like my natural self. If I was sad, it led me to feel happy. If I was vibing a bit low, it led me to feel more energetic. If I was socially anxious, it led me to feel more like a social butterfly. The list goes on. You could say that drinking led me to get more in touch with my positive feelings. THE DOWN SIDE: Once you get more in touch with your natural self and you want more of this feeling, drinking more can lead you lose control of your natural self. For example, you might be a bit of a people pleaser who can't speak up for themself. Have a few drinks to unwind and suddenly your natural 'I don't have to please everybody' self pops up. So liberating. Have a few more drinks and that self becomes lost to 'Not only do I not have to please you but I'm going to tell you exactly what a demanding so and so you are'. Before you know it, you've lost your natural filter and you've just burned a bridge with that person. The next day becomes about guilt, self chastisement and damage control. It's depressing.

Binge drinking can be a sign that you actually want to get more in touch with your natural self. The challenge becomes about achieving this without the alcohol. I've found that throwing the word 'natural' or 'naturally' into a lot of self questioning does help shed light on things, regarding the quest for personal growth. Keep in mind, with the liberating quest known as 'self development', there will be a lot of questions. It is the nature of a quest to hold questions. You know you're on a quest when you begin questioning just about everything. So, 'natural' or 'naturally'...

• Why is my body becoming naturally hyper-active at times? What are the influences (alcohol, caffeine, my own thoughts triggering this hyperactivity/anxiety)?
• Why am I naturally questioning so much all of a sudden?
• Why am I naturally feeling like a fake? Could it be because this is not who I naturally am?
• Could this heavy feeling be natural for someone seeking 'light'?

🙂