Sadness

[ScottM]

Where do I even start.

I am sitting in a public library, and I just want to burst into tears. I haven't slept for months, and I have been unemployed for over two years, and am so lost. I am male and 35.

I feel like I am treading water barely and going no where.

I can't remember the last time I smiled or even laughed at something.

I finished a course in health with flying colours, but then when I started the clinical placements for the course, I very quickly realised the work wasn't for me, after wasting 12 weeks doing the study. Just another thing that I have failed at.

I have no idea of what I want to do with my life professionally anymore and live with my elderly parents because I can't afford to live on my own, I have never been in a relationship as I am gay and not out.

Everyone around me is kicking goals, living the prime of their lives and I just stay where I am treading water without a penny to my name.

While I am not suicidal, I really am beginning to wonder what the point of living is. It's just the same cycle of getting up each morning to another day of sadness.

Everyone around me is kicking goals, and living the prime of their lives while I am going no where.

[Croix]

Dear ScottM~

You have made a start by posting here. Lack of sleep, wanting to burst into tears, feeling so sad and lost are all horrible things to live with. It can very much seem a pointless cycle.

I guess the first thing to say is that things are not hopeless, partly because your circumstances may change, partly because your ability to cope and ride with the blows can become stronger.

When I was invalided out of my job, in fact even before then, I felt there was absolutely nothing for me, that it was all my failings and I should get rid of the pain and kill myself. I appreciate you are not suicidal, however I can recognize some of the same feelings in you. In my case it was depression and anxiety that skewed my thinking until I could not cope.

I did improve, and am now in a different life, with occupation, achievement and satisfaction, plus I have a loving family. This change came about though medical support. Not an instant cure, but over time I got there. So do you mind if I ask how about you? Are you under treatment at the moment? If you are you need to see your doctor and say it needs reviewing, its not working.

Of course if you are not seeing anybody now is exactly the time to start. Can I suggest you book a long appointment with your GP and say what your life is like and how you are feeling? If you think face to face may be too hard try as I have writing it down first and sharing the paper. Help can make a huge difference.

I don't honestly think those 12 weeks were wasted, even if you are not going to use the knowledge directly, the experience will have given you things to think about, and by the sound of it pride in doing well. If you can succeed there you can do it again in different circumstances.

Seeing other people as having great lives is mostly illusion. All but a very few have troubles of one sort or another, True they may have a job, or some successes. That's fine.

Can I suggest you try every day to do at least one thing you enjoy? It does not matter what it is, but it should be something you can look forward to. I use walking, books and movies among other things. They take my mind away from everyday life and all its problems and let me concentrate on something completely different.

What sort of things would fit the bill for you?

Being unemployed is the pits. It gets just about everybody down, and because it features rejection after rejection it can seem to be a personal failure. You need other things in your life to compensate

Croix

[ScottM]

Hello Croix,

Thank you for your reply earlier, it has given me allot to think about.

I am not currently being treated nor have I had a review, though I think if I am honest with myself I have probably had depression for a long time and it has come to a head now. I took one of those online depression tests and it did come back with a high score linking to depression.

I have made an appointment tomorrow at 12:00 with my GP, and I am hoping she will prescribe me medication at least in the short term so I can find myself again, and get some breathing room.

For activities I enjoy doing, I used to love reading novels and going for a daily walk, but I don't have the energy for those anymore. I will try and start the walking again, I did enjoy the sunshine.

[Croix]

Dear ScottM~

Thanks for replying and talking more, I've very pleased you are going to see you GP, even it it takes more than one visit to get things started at least I think you are on the right track.

I was sorry to hear you not longer read. If you got as much out of it as I do it would make a world of difference. I remember that when I was realy bad I was unable to read either, concentration was simply gone as was the desire. Even when I was not actually thinking toxic thoughts my memory was not good and I'd re-read and re-read the same passage.

I got back in stages starting by reading very simple books and gradually getting back on track. I started with adolescents fantasy, in books that made a great deal of plays on words and puns. They kept me interested line by line almost - if that makes sense.

Walking, in fact anything that moves you away, is pretty good. Is your lack of reading for the same reasons as mine was?

Good luck with the doc.

Croix