Romantic thought towards psychologist

[Mich87]

Hi everyone,

I don’t really know how to start this, but I feel like I need help and I don’t know where else to turn.

It’s been more than 3 years since my therapy ended with my previous psychologist. During therapy, I developed strong romantic and sexual feelings towards her and I told her about it because I genuinely wanted help. However, the therapy was suddenly terminated and I wasn’t referred to another psychologist. I felt abandoned and confused.

After that, my feelings became much stronger. I did things I’m not proud of—I tried to contact her through emails and social media, and even followed her for short distances. I realise now that this wasn’t okay, but at the time I felt like I had no control. I just missed her deeply and wanted some kind of connection.

During that period, I attempted suicide multiple times. My husband supported me through everything and protected me, and I’m still here because of him. I also have a beautiful 5-year-old daughter. I know I have a loving family, but I felt like I lost myself completely.

At one point, I was arrested for stalking and suspended from work. It was a very dark time. Since then, with my psychiatrist’s help and medication changes, I’ve become more stable.

But even now, after 3 years, I still have very strong thoughts about my previous psychologist. I feel like I’m living in a fantasy world where she is part of my daily thoughts. I imagine being with her, and I can’t seem to control it. It’s really distressing.

I also feel a lot of shame. This was the first time I’ve had feelings for a woman, so I’ve also been confused about my sexuality.

The hardest part is that I can’t openly talk about this with my psychiatrist because my husband attends all my appointments. I don’t want to hurt or disappoint him, but I also feel stuck and unable to move forward.

I truly want to focus on my family and get better. I don’t want to live like this anymore.

Has anyone experienced something similar or have any advice on how I can move forward? I would really appreciate any support.

 Thank you.

[Mich87]

@Kim40 

[therising]

Hi Mich87

As you face so many challenges at this time in your life, I feel for you so much. I hope you get the response you so desperately need on the forums here, in order to make greater sense of things and move forward in a positive direction.

Firstly, I'm wondering whether it's compulsory for your husband to sit in on your psychiatrist appointments for some reason. If not, perhaps you need to give yourself the freedom to fully express yourself for some of the sessions without him being present. Such sessions could offer you the breakthrough you need.

Secondly, it's understandable how we can become attracted (in many ways) to the person who brings us to life in constructive ways, the person who reveals to us our nature, the person who puts us in touch with soulful elements of ourself, the person who leads us to the kinds of emotions and chemistry that can feel liberating and exciting and so on. Whether this person is a psychiatrist, a leader of some liberating movement, a guru, our partner or someone else, they can trigger in us aspects we may have never met with before. They can also hold traits that we long to discover within ourself. What makes someone incredibly attractive may be traits that we can feel or experience on an incredibly deep level, as opposed to a superficial level. I suppose the most extreme example of this could be found with a cult leader, a leader of a particular culture that brings us to life in many ways. Such a leader has an almost spellbinding way about them. In that case, the question becomes 'What breaks the spell?'. Perhaps, to some degree, it can involve changing what we imagine.

The imagination itself has kind of spellbinding elements to it. For example, if we imagine we're going to be in the same depressing stressful job for the rest of our life, such an illusion may only be broken when we're led to the next job (the one that brings us joy). If we're led to imagine we're going to continue suffering in some physical way and this or that tablet will stop the sufferance, we may take the tablet which stops the sufferance. Later we may find out it was a placebo. The imagination in incredibly powerful, unbelievably powerful in certain ways. While it can offer us relief and forms of excitement and can even hold the power to change our physical chemistry, it can also mess with us something shocking at times. While the imagination gives us the ability to fantasise or daydream about the most amazing and inspiring things, unless it's managed strategically it can get completely out of control. It's one of those things that doesn't come with an instruction manual. It's not until we're forced to better understand it and master it, that we step foot on the path to such mastery.

[Mich87]

I’ve fallen in love with you who owned to another, not mine.

And my heart has been filled with love and affection

Beyond the convention, I’m in an unconventional love…

I can’t leave you as I have been attached to you…

It’s my desire to hear your voice…

I’m fancy staying closer to your eyes…

Knowing that I can never have you. not knowing it…

I still love you and love you more…

Concealing from the world in a secret dream…

Sleeping by your side I sense your love…

Without doing an oversight, i’m in an oversight…

Consoling my heart I’ll stay away from you and sense your love…

It’s my desire to hear your voice..

I’m fancy staying closer to your eyes…

Knowing that I can never have you, not knowing it…

I still love you and love you more…

I’ve fallen in love with you who owned to another, not mine…

And my heart has been filled with love and affection…

Beyond the convention, I’m in an unconventional love…

I can’t leave you as I have been attached to you…

It’s my desire to hear your voice…

I’m fancy staying closer to your eyes…

Knowing that I can never have you, not knowing it…

I still love you and love you more…