Relying on others for happiness

[Big_Red_Cat]

I recently confided in a friend that I feel very lonely and depressed because I have so little social contact with any of my friends anymore.

I am now in my fourth year of uni and each year has been more difficult because friends don't have as much free time. I spent a lot of Fridays and Saturdays working over the last three years and couldn't go out but no one is free to do anything anymore now that I'm more freed up. My social life is one-way texts (me texting friends and not getting anything back) and brief coffees every few months that I have to work hard to arrange.

I also feel bad because the only time my friends usually reach out to me is when they need help with assessment. I know they aren't trying to hurt my feelings but it's very bad for your self-worth when people only contact you unexpectedly when they need to improve their grades.

My birthday is also coming up in two weeks and I don't want to plan anything because I can't deal with being turned down by people anymore. With so many knockbacks when I try to have fun, I've resorted to doing heaps of things on my own.

Some of these things have been good but I still feel really lonely and depressed. When I told my friend all of this, she said I shouldn't rely on other people for my happiness. It's not that she wasn't otherwise supportive, I just feel out of ideas since I need to be social to be happy.

After months of going alone, I need more social time with my friends but that seems impossible. And given my struggles right now, that's all I need. Making new friends at 22 is confronting, terrifying and humiliating.

Any advice is welcome. I am still friends with that friend but I was a bit taken aback by her advice not to rely on people when I was just saying I need more contact.

[Quercus]

Hi Big Red Cat and welcome to the forums.

Reading your post something stood out to me so strongly because I don't really understand it. The words confronting, terrifying and humiliating.

What is it about the idea of making new friendships that you find so distressing?

Do you think it might be worth speaking to your doctor about how isolated and depressed you feel? Although your friend's comment sounds harsh do you think they might also be concerned about you?

These forums are always here when you feel alone and you're very welcome to join in wherever you like.

Nat

[Big_Red_Cat]

Hi Nat, thank you for your response.

I used those worda because new friendships are extremely difficult. Confronting because your old friends just don't stay in contact with you anymore, terrifying because you have to go out of your way to try and make more and humiliating because when you try getting in contact with new people to do things, you keep getting knocked back the same as before.

My friend is definitely concerned and I was just curious about whether her response construed good advice.

I've also planned a visit to a therapist to talk about my feelings.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Big Red Cat

I just wanted to stop in and say how proud I am that at 22 you had the courage and strength to seek some help and also how impressive it is that you are so very in touch with your feelings and emotions.

I hear what you are saying about how disappointing it can be when you are all keen to catch up and want to do something social and your friends are busy or simply just don't reply. It is a struggle and especially seeing that you are having a bit of a tough time at the moment and need some people around you more than you have in the past.

I feel though the fact that you are at uni and there would be lots of young adults that are looking to make some new friends too and that there might be some social groups or uni activities that perhaps you could join. Life is all about new experiences and meeting new people and sometimes saying goodbye to old friends as their lives change too. I understand though that you feel happiest when you are social, I am the same and it is not a "need" to be social but the "want" to be social and I think that is ok. We as humans do feed off others, sometimes that is good and sometimes not so good, but mostly I think humans are ok.

I think it is a great idea to check in with a doctor and have a chat and take it from there, they are professionals and will be able to give you some solid advise and some tools to help you through this time.

I am sorry that your friend's comment "that you shouldn't rely on people for your happiness" was hurtful to you. She perhaps thought she was trying to help but it hasn't some across that way.

That is really exciting that it is your birthday soon, how would you feel about perhaps putting a text out early to people and suggesting a catch up for a few birthday drinks and kind of leave it open, like I will be here from this time to this time and if you could come I would love to see you for my birthday? If you don't ask you don't know. Given that you have done it early and given people some time and notice to plan I think that you will be surprised.

I hope that I have been of some help and hope that you have a wonderful day.

Cheers

[Big_Red_Cat]

I really appreciate that, Aaronsis. Great advice, thank you.