Rejected again, feeling upset and lonely

[Dwings]

Hi all

Some of you may have seen posts in another thread and I thought Id share whats been happening recent times

I have been single for a very long time, in fact too long, up until say 2019 I refused to use dating sites. At the beginning of the year, I met someone online chatted every day and we went on a couple of dates. I thought everything was fine, after the second date this girl still kept in contact with me but I didnt hear from her for a few days then I found out that she deleted my contact on this dating app, indicating she wasnt interested in me without any reason. This made me feel upset and angry. I questioned myself why this happened, as it happened in 2019 quite a number of times

Fast forward to later in the year, where I didnt really try and look for a date but then this girl messaged me on Tinder and we started chatting every day, really good conversations which gave me quite a bit of hope. Then I didnt hear from her for about a month but she later explained she needed some time off to herself. Once she was ok, we starting chatting again and the conversations between us were great. She was so nice, she made feel so good inside, I had so much hope. Despite being in lockdown I was feeling positive every day and I thought that maybe we could meet up eventually. We did a zoom chat recently but I felt so nervous that I couldnt say much, I did explain this to her and she said she was nervous too. We chatted after a couple of days but then I didnt hear from her again. I thought maybe something had happened to her or needed time out like before. But last night I checked my messages and they no longer exist, which means she has cut ties with me, just like what happened earlier in the year. Ghosted without saying goodbye and no reason why she left.

This really upset me as I had feelings for this girl. I didnt sleep much last night and I dont think I'll get over this.

It keeps happening every single time. All day today I felt depressed upset and angry. I am at the point where I should accept that I'll never meet the one and accept that I'll continue to have this miserable life, because no one would clearly be interested in me.

I have no one else to talk to.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Dwings,

It's understandable that in these pandemic times, it's hard to get a face to face appointment with a professional. I agree with you that there's no telling whether the GP or the Therapist appointment will be able to help you. But you're doing fantastic in taking approaches to making yourself feel better and seeking help. It's great to know that you recognized that and felt a bit better in knowing that what you're doing is of your best interest in becoming better. Sorry to hear about your rough working week. You have a lot going on with yourself, and you have to deal with other people's frustration, even though it's not directed towards you.

If it's alright for me to ask to get a better understanding. What is it that you feel sad and jealous about when you see your friend's post stuff about partners/engagement/baby announcements? Is it the thought about not being able to get what your friends have?

Jt

[Positive_vibes89]

Dwings, sorry to hear that you are taking alot on at work. Oh yes, I feel the same way as you do about our current surroundings and people. I live in victoria, it is not very nice down here. I don't watch the news anymore, and try to stay out of any political discussions. I myself, feel frightened about commenting on a post due to being ridiculed by strangers. Everyone is so on edge. I am interested to hear that you did consider seeing a GP before that young lady, sounds lik you had some concerns previously. I understand how you feel about the lack of motivation. I too am going through the same thing, I guess it comes with the repetitive lockdowns and restrictions prohibiting us from leaving home for our usual activities. I had not left my house for two weeks until today and that was to walk around the block! This friend, is obviously not a close enough friend to understand how you feel, or that is just simply their way of trying to empathise with you. Everyone is different and responds to discussions and situations differently. You seem like your'e a senstitive soul and you pick up on the way people hold themsleves. I am the same, I can get put off by a person too with the way they use tone of voice. Maybe it is just the way that particular person is? I tend to overthink. Do you think having a patner will solve all your issues? Having a relationship may not work if you have issues you need to work though. You are needing a partner as a bandaid basically. But no matter what, your troubles will still be there. In my years of being single (4 years) I too used to get upset due to the evy of others too. But also I had in the back of my mind that people only post on social media what they want you to see. Does it occur to you they may have relationship issues behind closed doors? Thats what I try to keep in mind for myself. Nobody is perfect or has eveything. Its just the way life is.

Its difficult for me to really 100% understand how you feel.Here is a website that you may find useful: https://relationships.org.au/relationship-advice/relationship-advice-sheets/starting-a-new-relationship

[Dwings]

I spoke to the GP over the phone and it was nice to have someone over the phone listen and understand to the problems that I have been facing. Obviously its their job, but I felt ok telling this GP about what has been happening in the past month and one thing I still have trouble dealing with. She has refereed me to a psychologist and they may get in touch soon. In the meantime the days have been average. The work has been ok but I cannot get myself motivated. I dont know when we'll be able to go to the office but word is it could be mid October. Whilst a lot of people are 50/50 on this, I dont know how I feel either way. One part would be nice to get away from home but I'll still be working. I just want to take leave and get out of Sydney for a while but who knows when I'll be allowed to do that.

I see people on social media about their lives, baby announcements, engagements, anniversaries, holidays, moving into a new house and these people are younger, some much younger than me and I often think why I cant have this. They seem so happy with their lives and I'm not happy where I am at the moment. It makes me sad and jealous. For a period it didnt bother me because I felt that it would eventually happen to me but as I get older, things are staying the same and my life isnt heading in the right direction. Then you hear about stories how these couples met, mostly online dating, and it didnt take them long to connect. Ive used online dating for a while and always end up failing. I havent stopped using online dating but I feel its going to be same issue with the next person I talk to.

Positive_vibes89, I actually did consider seeking help around May early June because before this current lockdown, I would often go out almost every night after work for drinks to ease the pain and the next morning I realised I didnt want to do this anymore. Then this girl starting talking to me and day by day I felt better and motivated. When someone makes me feel so good inside, it makes me motivated to do things. I felt happy for that period, I focused so much on work and other things in general, its like the problems that I had were fading away because I was been able to deal with it.

Now I'm back to where I was before.

I'm sorry to hear about whats happening down in Victoria.

[Positive_vibes89]

Dwings that is really great that you have spoken to your GP and got a psyche refferal. Im very proud of you!!!

[Sharkie89]

Hi Dwings..I’m in a similar situation to you in some ways…but I got married and was so for 16 years…the marriage made me feel like I had someone, but it was all an illusion and fake..I was never supported and constantly abused by her. But our photos would look like we were happy and smiling, etc..everyone else would probably think we were ok as well..I can’t handle it now either though, when I’m out either by myself or with my son to see happy families spending time together…I don’t have that now, and probably never did really…I’m struggling big time to not have a partner, but don’t want to go through all of the bad stuff again…and also know no woman that I might want would have me, as I’m fairly unattractive..so I feel what you’re going through and empathise with you as well, mate.

[Dwings]

Thank you Positive_vibes89. I'm waiting to hear back about the referral but having someone listen and understand over the phone made me feel better.

I actually did look at the Relationships site a little while back and called up about an enquiry, they were so busy and were looking for the best appointment for me. Someone called me and gave me a quote about a video session and call session. Once they quoted me, I was very hesitant and told them I will get back to them. I just wasnt sure if it was worth the money and whether they were willing to give advise to someone who hasnt been in a relationship for a long time. I said I will check once I hear back from the GP.

Looking back I'm not sure if that was the right decision or not. Lately Ive been hesitant on a lot of things since Ive been rejected and I dont know who to trust or believe.

Just recently my work advised me I can come into the office next week when 'freedom day' starts. A lot of people I know have been quite excited about it and cant wait to see their friends, relatives, collegues. But I dont feel excited to be honest. If I knew someone good was happening then I would be excited. I know once I come back, I'll go back to the same thing as before. The same tasks at work, the same things I have to deal with and the only way to deal with the stress is going to a pub drinking alcohol.

I wish I was still in communication with this girl. I really wanted to meet her in person once this lockdown was over. But instead I have nothing.

Does it sound silly that I still think about her, even though we werent in a relationship but chatted for about 2 months?

I often wonder why she decided to ghost me : (

[Dwings]

Hi Sharkies89, I'm sorry that happened in your relationship. 16 years seems like a long time. Did that happen the whole time or towards the end? I'm not an expert on relationships but my last and to be honest my only one happened a long time ago and at the start she made me feel good and everything was going well. But as time went by, things got tricky. I was pretty young and didnt know if I was doing something right or wrong. I felt like I was the bad guy in the relationship because she was so jealous when I was either out with my friends from work late or talking to my female friends. I did nothing wrong. We werent married or living with each other but it made me feel sad when she got angry. I would often apologise, when I shouldnt have, and try and make her feel good. In the end, she broke it off and wanted to friends but made things worse. She wasnt a very good 'friend'. She would get annoyed if I didnt reply to messages or texts within a period, it was like we were still in a relationship. Then she said so many nasty things like I was a loser, unattractive, no wonder I was single for a while, so many negative stuff. I questioned myself for a while, and made me put off looking for someone.

I hope this didnt happen with you Sharkies89 after your relationship finished. When you say abused, was that mainly verbally?

I often wonder if these girls that ghosted me, especially the last one, are thinking similar things, like how unattractive I am, seem unintelligent, hasnt got life sorted.

I would like to find happiness with that someone, but who knows when that would happen. Lately I feel like I found that someone but I pushed her away with my looks and personality.

[jtjt_4862]

Hi Dwings,

Sorry to hear that you're still feeling this way. You've done great in setting up an appointment with a psychologist. Hopefully they'll be able to help you work out a plan on how to work on yourself. I wouldn't say no to the relationship counsellor either, as they may be able to provide some solid advise about starting relationships. Speaking of advise, there was a video that I came across on Youtube, and it summarized some key points about being in a relationship. I'm not sure if linking youtube videos is allowed here, but you can look up "Things about Relationships I wish someone told me about Jaiden Animations". Take note of when they talk about "ecosystem".

The thing about social media is, it's always filled with positive/happy things. When someone who feels insecure about themselves see those things, they start to feel perhaps what others have would make them happy as well. But it's better to live life through identifying what truly makes you happy and pursue that, rather than basing your level of happiness through comparison of what others have. We are responsible for our own happiness, and it's tremendously stressful to our partners if we are to hand that responsibility off to them and are dependent on them for our happiness. If we do depend our happiness on another person, then we'll be devastated when that person is no longer with us, and this is how "rebounds" are formed in relationships. They broken hearted person seeks for another person to fill the void/loneliness, and would start expecting them to make them feel happy.

What I've learned from my break up (which happened more than half a year ago) was, it's best to learn how to live life alone while also learning how to collaborate with society. Seek out things that makes you happy by yourself, and learn to be comfortable living by yourself. Working on yourself first because you are your best asset, and only you know yourself best. Learn to value yourself, and show some self-love that you deserve. Enjoy the happy moments when you've found them, and appreciate the sad moments so you can improve yourself from it. The feeling of rejection does hurt, as I've felt that thru my break up, but things will be better over time. Give yourself some space from the dating scene, and work on yourself first. Just like what positive_vibes said, life will shower you with things when you least expect it to. Until that happens, work on your issues first.

Happy to chat more Dwings

Jt

[Dwings]

Hard to believe its almost a month since my last post, not too much has happened since, a bit of mixed news in between, work, family etc.

However my mental state still isnt great, despite being out of lockdown and having the ability to do more things that I wasnt able to do for a period. Ive tried to be positive about being out of lockdown and into "freedom" but unfortunately there are things that are bringing me down and I dont feel motivate to do much.

At the moment, I feel like I'm losing touch with things I used to be positive about like people I work with, my work in general, special occassions, Christmas, my birthday, Melbourne Cup, St Patricks Day.

I often wondered once this lockdown was over, I could finally meet with the girl online, face to face and we could make a better connection, make me feel really good inside and help me stay mostly positive. Then I wouldnt be doing the things I'm doing right now, going out drinking almost every night, sometimes alone, not caring what time I would get home. Also not caring about work too much and not focusing on other things in life. I dont know why I keep thinking of her, we werent in a relationship but I felt something.

Work hasnt been easy, infact I dont think coming back to the office has helped much, despite seeing people face to face for the time in a while. I'm getting really frustrated at being treated like the little weak person again. Decisons that are being made for me without consultations, expecting to do certain projects that are tough to do in a short period.

I feel I really need to take time away from not just work but also Sydney in general. I want to go somewhere peaceful and quiet, not having to put with people who treat me like rubbish and not being constantly told what to do, because there's not much happening for me here.

Perhaps an area outside of Sydney might help me focus on myself and learn to be positive, who knows, see what happens. I shouldnt expect too much.

[Dwings]

Hi All

I just want to some share something with everyone and update you on what's happened since my last post. At the end of last November I had a mental breakdown and it got to the point where I wanted to end of my life. I rang Lifeline telling them I had enough and they put me straight through to the 000. The police and ambulance found me late at night and took me to the nearest hospital where I was treated and cared for

What triggered this moment was a combination of things. I found out that the girl I was talking to and had feelings for was on another dating app which made me feel horrible, like the conversation we had seemed meaningless to her. Other stuff like being stressed at work and not getting the recognition for the workload, losing money to gambling, bills and owing people money, drinking too much, feeling miserable with just about everything, it all become too much for me.

I told the doctors everything and they completely understood and listened. I spent a week at a mental health facility where I dealt with psychologists, doctors and other patients in there.

What I was really afraid of was upsetting my family and friends and telling them what I have been through. However they were so supportive of me and told me how proud they were of me being brave and reaching out for help.

I really didnt expect to receive so much love and support from family and friends. They reached out to me and were welcome to have a conversation with me about everything and to make me feel a lot better

I guess what I was concerned before was being judged and told otherwise but everyone that I have spoken has been so amazing and supportive of me.

After leaving the hospital I took time off work to focus on myself and try and improve my mental health.

I have cut down on alcohol, trying to exercise more and be more open about everything and not hide the pain.

Its still a long way to go, but I feel much better than I was in November.

If you're struggling dont be afraid to ask for help and tell the people close to you that you're in a bad way. There are people out there who love you and will always be there for you and support you. I'm so grateful for the people in my life.

I wish everyone here the best and I hope you all had a nice Christmas and New Year. I think 2022 might be a better year.