Rejected again, feeling upset and lonely

[Dwings]

Hi all

Some of you may have seen posts in another thread and I thought Id share whats been happening recent times

I have been single for a very long time, in fact too long, up until say 2019 I refused to use dating sites. At the beginning of the year, I met someone online chatted every day and we went on a couple of dates. I thought everything was fine, after the second date this girl still kept in contact with me but I didnt hear from her for a few days then I found out that she deleted my contact on this dating app, indicating she wasnt interested in me without any reason. This made me feel upset and angry. I questioned myself why this happened, as it happened in 2019 quite a number of times

Fast forward to later in the year, where I didnt really try and look for a date but then this girl messaged me on Tinder and we started chatting every day, really good conversations which gave me quite a bit of hope. Then I didnt hear from her for about a month but she later explained she needed some time off to herself. Once she was ok, we starting chatting again and the conversations between us were great. She was so nice, she made feel so good inside, I had so much hope. Despite being in lockdown I was feeling positive every day and I thought that maybe we could meet up eventually. We did a zoom chat recently but I felt so nervous that I couldnt say much, I did explain this to her and she said she was nervous too. We chatted after a couple of days but then I didnt hear from her again. I thought maybe something had happened to her or needed time out like before. But last night I checked my messages and they no longer exist, which means she has cut ties with me, just like what happened earlier in the year. Ghosted without saying goodbye and no reason why she left.

This really upset me as I had feelings for this girl. I didnt sleep much last night and I dont think I'll get over this.

It keeps happening every single time. All day today I felt depressed upset and angry. I am at the point where I should accept that I'll never meet the one and accept that I'll continue to have this miserable life, because no one would clearly be interested in me.

I have no one else to talk to.

[james1]

Hello Dwings,

I haven't seen your other posts, but you've given us a good idea of how upset you are feeling right now.

I am not entirely sure what to say because I've been in the same boat and, I don't remember anything that anybody said which really helped me very much. It's really tough when you feel like someone's rejected you and then it happens again, especially when you're putting a lot of effort and hope into these potential relationships. It can really feel quite pointless and defeating.

You sound quite alone with these feelings and I'm glad you've reached out to us, because sometimes when we are hurt badly, it can help just to be around others, even if that's in a digital online way. So I guess I don't really have much advice other than to suggest that you keep engaging with others here, or with any friends or family you have as well. These hurt feelings will subside as they did last time, but in the meantime, I can absolutely understand how upset and miserable you are feeling right now.

James

[Positive_vibes89]

Dwings, welcome to the forum. Thank you for sharing your personal experience with us.

I totally feel you!!! I too have had the exact same experiences that you are speaking about. I understand how you are feeling, its a real huge blow to your self esteem. It hurts alot, especially when you have become so very invested in a person. I too had tried many dating sites and tinder. Time after time, I kept meeting the same type of person the "Ghoster". It is so very hard to meet somone while we are experiencing on and off lockdowns.

When it comes to dating, try to keep a open mind. In my experience I learned not to be too hopeful to avoid any dissapointment. Unfortunately you cannot force someone to like you back. One tip I have for you is to ensure any dating profile photos you post are actually you. I had experiences of being "cat fished" not fun. That is why I used to skype all my potential dates to ensure they were the real deal.

As for Ghosting, there is not much we can do to avoid that. It appears to be the social norm when it comes to online dating. But dont worry, I believe there is always somone out there for everyone. Be open to receive love and be open to give love. That is what kept me going to find my now husband. We talked on tinder, he ghosted me funnily enough and then he saw me at the gym in person. If you can when lockdown ends and we start to have a little bit more normality, I suggest joining a gym or group activity could be a gym glass or any other interest that you might have. You will be able to meet people and form new relationships.

I hope this helps you, please try not to beat yourself up. Dating is a hard and slow process, I would know because I was single for four yeard before I met my husband.

If you need to talk, feel free to call the beyone blue phoneline.

All the best,

Tee

[Dwings]

Thank you for sharing that story

Its so hard because although its happened to me so many times with online dating, I liked her so much because we shared a lot of personal stuff and she complimented me nearly every day, I did the same, which made me so good inside. So I dont understand why after this whole time she's decided to disappear but I'm thinking she saw a different side of me after the zoom meeting. We heard and saw each other for the first time. I mean I couldve said more things but I so nervous, and she told me the same, but I dont know if that was true. I dont normally open up much in person because I get so nervous but I feel maybe the more we interacted this way I wouldve been more confident. Then again if she didnt feel interested, why still message me after a day? I always get these unanswered questions

I felt this was my last chance, I use different dating sites in the hope of finding the right one but I hardly get any matches. She popped up and sent me a nice message, I felt so confident because she was nice to me. Now I dont think I'll ever find the right one.

I'm glad it worked out for you in the end. Can I ask though after you were ghosted by him, what the first interaction was like? I havent exactly encounted a person after they had ghosted me. I wonder if I were to bump into this girl by accident, how would I react? Part of me might be angry but still have feelings for her who knows.

I have been single for so long and have really tried to meet the one and just hasn't worked. Ive had people close to me try to give me confidence by telling stories of how people met online but that has done me no favours. Everyone I know has their life sorted, but I haven't. It upsets me.

I didnt do online dating because I thought meeting in person would better but unfortunately that has failed. However getting rejected on the spot seems a lot better than a massive build up online before a rejection.

[Positive_vibes89]

I really do empathise with you, I cannot tell you how many times I cried from being hurt. You feel vulnerable because you opened yourself up completely to a person. You have been hurt, and that is okay. It is okay to feel these emotions and I am very pleased to see that you have taken advantage of this forum to vent how you feel. Please do not blame yourself as to why this young lady dissapeared. To be honest look at it this way, this behaviour reflects upon her personal character. If you had 5 dates, would she dissapear? Maybe. In every situation we must try and find one positive. A positive that you can take away is, she has wasted your valuable time and that she possibly could have led you on further. People like this do not deserve you. You are definately worthy of a young lady that will be kind and respectful towards you.

How old are you if you dont mind me asking? Love can happen at any age, there is not set time. Being nervous is a very normal thing too, especially when meeting somebody new. Dating also takes alot of practice, from each date you learn something new. To answer your question, my now husband didnt have the guts to ask me out. Instead he got his friend to do it. Therefore he must have been very ashamed of his ghosting behaviour.

Chin up, you shouldnt feel pressure in coparing yourself to your friends. Everyone is so very different. Comparing youself to others does make you feel down. Do your friends know any single ladies that they could introduce you to? or maybe their girlfriends? sometimes meeting somone through mutual friends is a excellent starting point too. One thing I do want to mention is that starting off as friends with a lady first is a good thing too, getting to know them as a friend. Its an excellent foundation to work on before a intemate relationship.

Thanks again for replying to me. I will be here if you would like to discuss other things that are bothering you. I am pleased to lend you my listening ear.

Tee

[Dwings]

If I'm being honest the last time this happened, which I did mention at the start, I felt so negative and weak for a while maybe weeks or months, I didn't like the way I behaved and I'm worried this will happen again for a long time. I kept a lot of things to myself, I went out and got drunk, did so many things I wish I didnt do. I avoided invitations to things like gatherings because I would often feel left out being the only single person in the group. I was angry at little things that wouldnt normally upset me. Also each time there was a positive story from someone I knew I wouldnt react as excited as I used to be. Eg. someone getting married, or expecting another child. That used to make me feel good but then or possibly now I wouldnt feel anything.

My behaviour was positive whilst talking to this girl recently. I asked everyone how they were at work, even though we're in lockdown, I concentrated on work more, I felt really good. I'm not sure how I feel if someone told me it would be her loss. Ive heard that plenty of times. I feel its my loss. She seemed so great. Now I dont know what to do.

I want someone I can connect with so well, share similar interests, make each other laugh, give each other compliments, make each other feel good. That's what I thought I had with her and now its gone : (

I'm 36 and have been single since my 20s. I'll admit after my last relationship I was so hurt I didnt bother looking for a while but then I realised I wanted to settle down. Unfortunately it hasnt happened.

Some of my closest friends live interstate so its quite hard for them to set me up with someone. I dont have any friends here that would do the same. There are some people at my work that may be single, but I dont think they would take much interest in me.

Thank you for understanding. That story sounds good about your husband. Do you think she may regret ghosting me? Who knows

If I wasnt in lockdown this week, I may have thought about getting out of Sydney for a while if not for good.

[Positive_vibes89]

Seems like you have a bit of anxiety and depression surrounding this subject. Do you have a history of any of these diagnosed by a doctor? I understand why you would have gone out to get drunk, you were depressed. This is nothing to be ashamed of. Alot of people do this too when they are feeling sad. I dont know what other advice I can give you, its a really hard situation that you are experencing. I used to get very frustrated and angry too. I am in my 30s too. I thought that I would have has children and marridge in my early 20s. That never happened. Have you considered a relationship with somone a little older than yourself? I found that people our age are not mature enough or not looking for a relationship. Older people generally are wanting to settle down.

I was thinking that you could have a little bit of situational depression from what I can tell, but I am not a dr so I cannot really diagnose. Oh gee wiz sydeney! Things are so intense in this world at the moment, I am in Victoria. These lockdowns are really doing my head in.

Have you considered speaking to a professional about your experiences? there is a really good men's health line. Relationship advice for men www.mensline.org.au

That is an excellent suppport service, just for you fellas!

[Dwings]

Ive never been diagnosed with depression or anxiety from a doctor, or from what I can remember. I do remember seeing a doctor after my relationship broke down years ago and I had trouble sleeping. The advise was to take time out from everything stress related which included work and also recommended to take a trip away which I did and felt good. Perhaps I can take this on board although its quite hard during lockdown. I may need to see a GP if things dont improve.

I dont think it really matters to me if she's older or younger than me, as long as we connect well. However the last few people I have dated in person have been older than me and it didnt work. Not that it will stop me from dating older women, say 1-3 years older. Besides I dont mention the age to someone I go on a date with, I know with online apps they tell you, but I think its too personal if you ask someone how old they are on a first date. Hmm I thought people my age were already settled and had kids, infact I know someone my age has a teenage kid.

I'm sure you'll still get married and have kids. I wouldve thought Id have that already at my age. I'm nowhere near that.

Yeah I actually went to that mensline when I felt down earlier in the year and to be honest, I dont think the person on the other line understood what I was going through. Yes they seem like a good service but over the phone just wasnt helpful.

[Positive_vibes89]

I think a good starting point could be to speak to your doctor and do a few checks to rule out anything. They could guide you in the direction of some relationship councillors or supports. Calling beyondblue is a good idea or lifeline to talk to somone too.

[Dwings]

Yes I would consider it thank you. When I found out she ghosted me I couldnt sleep and called up one of the services, I just didnt know who to talk to.

Still not feeling great, little things keep reminding me of her and I cant get too motivated to do anything