Recurrent chronic depression

[Dee289]

I've had recurrent chronic depression and anxiety for most of my adult life and probably before that too.  It seems like a never ending roller coaster, only lessened a bit by the medication that I have taken for over 10 years.  In the last 5 years I have had a new job, relocated towns, divorced and a new relationship.  I have learnt to spot the warning signs of when I'm slipping, but its getting harder and harder to remain positive.  Just when I seem to be making progress another blow hits me out of left field.  I'm looking for hope that it will get better!

[Neil_1]

Hi there Dee

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for providing your post.

Wasn’t it Ronan Keating who penned the words and sung them, “Life is a rollercoaster, we’ve just gotta ride it”.  So yeah, you certainly nailed that comment about how it all goes.

Just by reading your post, I’ve picked up loads of positives that you’ve got happening and at least, that you’ve been able to put into place for yourself.  Not to mention that, but also how over time, you’ve been able to gather enough information about your symptoms to be able to be aware for when warning signs are coming upon you.  I’m not sure if everyone out there is able to do that, so that is a brilliant thing you’ve been able to achieve.

What I think though is that no matter how much support and help we put in place, when things come out of left field, it’s very hard for us to prepare ourselves for such things and as such, they can have a damaging effect on us.  I think if we can keep all our ‘good and helpful’ mechanisms in place, surrounding us, so that way we are able to take on and beat as often as we can, those daily challenges is a massive thing.  Likewise with these things in place, they hopefully can have a big effect on lessening or somewhat lessening the effects that something out of left field can have for us.

Your final sentence about hoping it will get better – I just wonder if I could pose something similar back to you – when you consider how and what you’ve been through over these last 5 or so years, do you feel that you are in a better place now, than you were?  I hope you can answer yes for that, and if so, then that may well provide an answer for you, as I believe with what I’ve read that you’ve been very proactive in your own positive path forward.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[Dee289]

Hi Neil

Thank you for your kind words.

In answer to your question, I am most certainly in a much better place than I was 5 years ago, and when I'm 'good', I'm proud of what I've achieved even when I've been up against it! The problem is that when I'm low I get frustrated that I can't be happy, that the cloud is hovering despite everything I have to be grateful for.  Then the vicious circle begins and I'm my own worst enemy.

On my good days I want to show people that you can be a single parent and have a career even with depression.  Some days its really hard, but it is possible.  I try to break down the stigma and be a role model for others that may be suffering in silence. 

And on the positive side my good days far outweigh the bad at the moment, and while I am medicated and see a psychiatrist every couple of months or so, I'm getting better at managing on my own.

So yes i know deep down there is hope, which is something i didn't have for many years, but sometimes i think i just need to step back and stop being so hard on myself!

Dee

[blondguy]

Hi Dee

I love your attitude. I also have had depression/anxiety for a long time and have been lucky enough to float by most of the anxiety...

I have the same support as you have. I just see my GP every 4 weeks for a 'service' (I am fortunate that I have one that I am comfortable with)

Neils words are solid and spoken from the heart Dee, and without repeating his comments there are many people on these forums that are here for you...

Being a single parent and having a career is something you should be very proud of. I too am a 'career' person and have struggled just as hard to 'survive' and use the coping mechanisms I have learned over many years.

Just a very caring reminder (which you would know anyway Dee) that the Depression/Anxiety is a physical condition....same as the flu....broken leg....virus....bad toothache etc. The brain releases the chemicals that open the door for the dreadful 'feelings' (not symptoms) we experience...Adrenaline etc...

Just my humble opinion Dee, but I admire the way you 'handle' your issues...and more importantly we are here for you......and your input too. It would be great if you could if you could offer your thoughts again on BB as there are many people that dont have the strength to post as you have but will be helped from your input just by reading your post.

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[PerpetualFlux]

So sorry to hear about your ongoing battle with Depression and anxiety - it's very relatable. Perhaps the thing that stood out to me most about your post was your observation that your long-term medication is bringing you little relief.

Regretfully, I spent much of my twenties taking an antidepressant because that's what my GP prescribed me. At my best, I was consistently unstable and at my worst I was unable to function even with incremental increases in the dose and CBT.

It occurred to me that I might benefit from switching to another, more effective medication however I'd anticipated that this would be akin to riding a roller coaster. If it didn't go well, there was a very real risk of me attempting or committing suicide. Such were the depths of my misery. I decided it was safer to remain consistently unstable - it seemed to be my 'safest' option.

It wasn't until about seven very difficult years later that in yet another major depression, I conceded that I had nothing left to lose as I was suicidal. After consulting with a psychiatrist I had very positive results within months of having switched to another medication and begun taking a mood stabiliser.

It hasn't of course, been a magical fix. I still have ups and even some major downs (I recently lost a loved one to suicide) and I continue to adjust my doses in consultation with my GP. Perhaps you will find yourself also thinking you have nothing left to lose and will try a different medication? It may or may not work or you may have to try several different kinds to find what works best for you. Please - learn from my mistakes. Don't accept that this medication is as good as it gets. If you hit a rough patch and think you need to increase your dose and or counselling, talk to your GP about it. 

[Neil_1]

Hi there Dee,

Wonderful to hear back from you with your latest response;  and also heaps pleasing to see Paul join in as well.  He always provides really excellent comments and suggestions;  it makes it great to hear from others and how they cope or suggest ways – it keeps the learning curve happening for all of us.

I do understand you though when you say, that for a while you are going ok and are proud of what you achieve, only to encounter another episode and everything feels like it all just crashes down and cloud above you is heavy and dark again.  That’s exactly how this mongrel illness treats us and you’ve no doubt heard these words before, but “you are not on your own” with these feelings and reactions.  And yes, it sucks big time that it happens.

Take a step back and stop being hard on myself – oh boy, you took words out of my own head there.  That is something I do so often and I think I do it now almost subconsciously like breathing, I do it so well and so often.  I guess not the kinds of things you were wanting to hear, but hey, take it from me – you’ve got your own mind and judging from what I’ve seen you write so far, you’re clever, articulate, courageous, a brilliant mum, holding down a career and so much more.  However for me, I’ve gotta live with my own mind 24/7 – I wouldn’t wish that upon anyone!  😉  😉   Damn, there’s that silly twitchy eye again!

The word you use of “hope” is a big one and I’m glad you’ve used it – especially in the context where you said this was something that you haven’t had for so many years.  With all the mechanism that we build into place and the support that we try and muster for ourselves, that word “hope” can also build – increase in size and strength.  The knowledge that we can exist and we can make it through – yes, while it is a struggle it is definitely possible. 

So Dee, never stop fighting, never stop learning, keep putting in the hard yards and build upon what you’ve put in place already.

Again, I’ve rattled on enormously – I hope some of what I’ve said above gels with you, and would love to keep hearing back from you.

Neil