Really bad spiral

[MeganMe]

Am so emotionally drained I can't even type out the whole story, so here's the short version.

Sister called me (yelling) the most selfish person on the planet because my current bout of depression, combined with worst anxiety ever and chronic pain, have me somewhat (a lot) financially reliant on our mother.

Yes, I'm nearly 50, single mother of 3, but after battling depression and anxiety for 20 years and chronic pain for the better part of 6 years, I'm not doing so well. I know I've screwed up, I know I'm not paying my way. I have helped my mum as much as I can in non financial ways - she's over 80 now, and pretty healthy, but I'm here for her when she's not - shopping for her, cooking for her, doing anything I can.

Sister just doesn't get the mental health thing - it's all laziness and selfishness in her eyes.

The screaming row happened a few nights ago on one of her rare trips to our part of the world. I'm beyond hurt. I'm nearly utterly broken. I sent her some articles to read about depression and how it feels, I don't think she even read them.

My mother is devastated that we've had such a falling out.

I'm honestly not sure how to get past this. I can't get what she said out of my mind. I've replayed it over and over and over and freaking over in my head. She was SO cruel in her words. I don't know what to do. I want to make it right, especially for my mum, but I can't forgive her words.

[LesDave]

First of all you need to stop putting such high authority on the words and actions of others. Everyone is selfish. People who generally make fun of depression are ridden with their own guilt and fears for what it could do to them. Most are actually scared they are either depressed themselves, or might be, and will have no answers for how to deal with it. Regardless, her behaviour was unacceptable. How do you treat you kids when they display bad behaviours? IF it happens again, explain her behaviour is unacceptable and you will no longer engage with her until she starts to behave like a grown up. I did a similar thing to my brother a while ago. I stopped talking to him for almost a year. You let them know the behaviour is unacceptable, and if they continue, there'll be consequences.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi MeganMe,

Thanks for your post. I'm sorry to hear that this happened; it sounds like your sister was being so cruel and I completely agree with LesDave in that her behaviour was unacceptable. You didn't deserve to hear that.

While I don't have a sister, I believe that I'd feel the same way. It makes sense that you're replaying things in your head, especially since it was seemingly out of the ordinary. I also appreciate that you want to forgive her and move past this - trying to make it right.

I wonder though, what if instead of trying to forgive your sister, you worked on accepting what she said? You've made it pretty clear to us that you're the opposite of selfish - using your mum for support but certainly not in a inconsiderate way, and you've helped your mum in non-financial ways. I'm guessing to given your mums age she probably appreciates the non-financial help more than anything.

It might even help to tell yourself things like "That was cruel, but I know that's not true. She lashed out at me and was cruel but I didn't deserve that." I'm not sure how you are reacting to me saying this, but often when things get to us so personally it's because we attach ourself so much to those words. If you can realise that this stuff isn't true and isn't about you, it can make things a lot easier and help you move forward.

Hope this helps,

[MeganMe]

Thank you both so much for your replies. I went for my first counselling session in months today with a new psychologist, and really let a lot of it out - am so exhausted tonight! It was only the first step of so many, we barely scratched the surface of all the crap I've locked up in my head, but it was a good first step.

I was really nervous about going - I've always avoided male psychologists before, not really sure why, but this guy was great, I felt really comfortable. I haven't seen my sister since the last incident on Monday, but am going to try a bit of an outing with her and my mother tomorrow. I think she just wants to put the whole thing behind us, and I don't think I can fully do that, but I think I can try really hard to do what you suggested, Romantic_thi3f, and just accept that she feels this way and, well, fake being ok with that for a few hours.

I'll admit, I'm doing this for my mother, not for myself or her, lol, but hey, it's maybe a start.

I also realised today in my session that the reason this hit me so hard is that I actually kind of believe it of myself, even though it's not true. I FEEL selfish and lazy being so useless right now. I know that's the depression talking, though, on some level.

Argh, this is brain melty stuff, just too much. But - baby steps.

Thanks again xxx

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi MeganMe,

It's good to hear from you again! I'm glad that you saw the psychologist and it sounds like he's a really good fit! I understand though that you'd be pretty exhausted - I often feel exhausted after I see mine too.

How did the outing go with your mother and your sister?

I think that what you've said makes complete sense. Often the things that struck a nerve with us do so for a reason! But it's good that you see it's the depression talking too. From what you've told me, I don't see anyone that's selfish or lazy! Hopefully that's something the psychologist can work with you on too.

Baby steps. x