Depressed

[44Max44]

So I've been depressed for the better part of 5 years now, but never as depressed as I've been feeling the past couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks ago, I had my first run-in with health anxiety, I convinced myself that I had cancer and pretty much cried myself to sleep that night because I was fully convinced that I was going to die. Long story short, after getting tests done, I found out I didn't have it, but the trauma from that incident has stuck with me ever since.

I haven't been the same since that incident. I haven't been able to enjoy myself doing anything pretty much. Things I enjoyed doing not even the day before this incident I just totally lost interest in. For the past couple of weeks, all I've done every day is watch Netflix, movies, YouTube, or anything else just to keep my mind off of things.

I've also hardly been eating, and have lost 2 and a half kgs in 2 weeks because of this. I'm not taking care of myself whatsoever, just doing anything possible to numb the things I'm feeling.

The main thing that is getting me down is that I've convinced myself that at some point in my life, it might not be for another 50 years or it could be tomorrow, that I'm going to get some disease and die. Just thinking about my future and the hard things I'll have to go through gets me super depressed. Death is the main issue I'm struggling to come to terms with, I have the mindset of "if we're all going to die, why even bother doing anything?" and I just lay in bed all day watching stuff. I find that even the mention of death or some health issue triggers my negative thoughts and it gets me so sad.

I've been sleeping 12 hours a day, and being awake 12 hours a day. It's like a 50-50 ration of sleep to being awake. I know this is super unhealthy both physically and mentally, but no matter what I do I can't seem to get myself out of bed in the morning when my alarm goes off, I just hit snooze and go back to sleep, and before I know it it's 3pm and most of the day has already gone by, making me even more depressed.

Some days I feel like I'm feeling okay just to get hit with a wall of depression and I go back into the dark place I was in the day before. It feels like a never-ending cycle of ups and downs, but I'm only really focusing on the downs and ignoring the ups.


I want to see a psychiatrist more than anything, but it would take somewhere around 2 months just to get my first appointment. At this point, I'm just hoping for a miracle.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You need to go to your GP and tell them what you have just posted here. Various meds are available and they will begin working after 4 weeks.

Sometimes we need a helping hand with medication to right the ship.

Google

Beyondblue Topic depression, a ship on the high seas

Beyondblue Topic the timing of motivation

Beyondblue Topic what life's like at the end of the tunnel

TonyWK

[Alexlisa]

Hi Max

I can really hear how much you’re struggling at the moment. It’s tough when anxiety is triggered and then continues on once the original concern has actually passed.

It’s great that you’ve reached out here and are also willing to see a psychiatrist. You’re right though, waiting lists for psychiatrists can be very long. But it’s definitely worth putting yourself on the waiting list for the future. It sounds like you could really benefit from seeing a psychologist. They usually have short or no waiting lists. You’ll be able to get a Mental Health Care Plan from your GP that will allow you to see a psychologist for free, 10 times per year.

A psychologist will be able to help you work through the thoughts and symptoms you’re experiencing, and teach you skills to manage them. My psychologist had helped me so much with my anxiety, which at times has also been health related. She’s been able to guide me to understand myself and really help me problem-solve. You deserve this kind of support.

Take care, ok
Alexlisa

[StevenK]

Hey my friend... i just wanted to say that your post sounds very similar to some of the thing's i had going on in my life.. it must be so very tough my friend.. i really feel what your saying.. and love you for being so honest about it..there's a real strength in sharing.. and getting it out...

i suffered since probaly 3 years old with social anxiety and heavy depression from 12 onwards to 29, i spend the last 15 years stuck in my room, and 10 were suicidal...i had very severe anxiety.. i was diagnosed at 22, and that's when i figured out i had a problem, then from 22-30 i spent in my room, i gave up literally.. i lived the worst outcome in my head every minute of the day.. i had no faith nothing.. i wished to be taken every single day...

but over the years.. i studied my ass off.. i had to learn why some people made it and other's did not.. i had to search the meaning of life.. and what anxiety was... i just wanted to say anxiety is the hardest pain and challenge life could give to anyone.. it is absolutely hearth breaking, and my heart goes out to anyone that has to experience it... because it makes your reality exacly what you worry about... and then we dwell on it, and the thing is it becomes a normal pattern... it goes to our subconscious mind, and the fight and flight response..

goes on 24/7 depending how severe it is.. and the constant cortisol/ adrenaline stress hormone.. when it becomes chronic.. it makes us completely unable to function properly... you are not crazy... and neither was i.. its just our mind was so battered with worry it shut's down..

i highly recommend you buy the book At last a life by Paul David... powerful simple and very easy to understand why you feel the way you do, and has the answers your looking for i believe..

i highly recommend you also begin to start reading on self esteem, and self development books. and also strongly recommend the power of now.. that book will help you with clarity on some of the things you mentioned.

here is my destructive thinking i had when i was 17, it was my first girl that i slept with, and i convinced my self mentally she mite get pregnant... it's so stupid.. but that's how far the mind can take things.. i was born as a kid who lived to worry.. i lived in my mind for decades man... and it was very hard to get on to the recovery path.. its a hard journey man.. but i don't regret one day...

[StevenK]

i wanted to say, your pain and hardships, will one day become your biggest strengths and you will be able to help someone get through it... because your special.. everyone has something to offer the world.. and i respect people who have gone through some stuff more then anyone else.. we suffer's develop empathy and compassion towards another...

and that it mite not be a quick fix, it mite take 2 years, 5 years, 8 years, 10 years, but there's light at the end of the tunnel my friend.. even when there's no hope, and the lights out, and all we see and feel is darkness....

go deep, go within, find our that pain, find the answers, for me i started reading, and i wrote and wrote for hours and hours over a decade, to find and release everything, i blammed my self for everything, i took responsibility for every single thing that happened in my life, for how people reacted to me,

we are our thoughts, and our thoughts determine our feelings, and that makes our habbits/action's that build a life.. so its important to change our thoughts.. and to do that we need to read, listen to audio's and learn about the very subject that is causing our hearts to be in pain...

but seek professional help. We were not born into misery , we learned it somehow, and now we got to figure out a way to unlearn it and move through life... coming out the other side, is the best feeling in the world.. i wish that for you and believe you can do it!! you write well and articulate well.. hope you find comfort from these words.. i can write pages and pages on it.

but the book power of now, and that other book will explain a lot...

[ScaredMonkey]

Hi Max,

You don't need to wait for a miracle to improve your situation. I've also had health anxiety and fear of death for over a year and therapy and self-help have reduced both significantly.

First, I want to say that I haven't had very good results trying to force myself to wake up earlier. Even with sleep hygiene and a morning light clock, getting out of bed after I wake up is still extremely difficult when I have depressed low mood. Hacks and tools only work so far if your brain thinks there's no point facing the day.

My oversleeping has improved as my depressed mood has improved as I work on my thoughts using Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). I've learned to identify unhelpful thoughts causing distress, test their validity and replace them with helpful thoughts. For example, people with depression tend to think in extremes of black and white so CBT can help re-train the ability to see shades of grey. You can look up cognitive distortions or unhelpful thinking styles for other examples of distorted thinking, like catastrophising and emotional reasoning.

I started doing CBT through a self-help workbook for Health Anxiety from the Centre for Clinical Interventions available online. I did it with a counselor trained in CBT who helped me frequently when I was stuck. The workbook recommends using paper thought diaries, but if you want to use an app then I recommend CBT Thought Diary. It took me a long time to get into the habit of doing the diaries consistently but they are definitely worth it.

Some other tips and affirmations that have helped me are:

- The story of Sisyphus and the boulder

- "God grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"

- The night before, write down the small things you're grateful for today and what you're looking forward to tomorrow

- When you're feeling stronger, remind yourself that reality is harsh and that defeat, suffering and death are inevitable

- If it's not distressing, look up statistics for the likelihood of certain events happening

- an app called Moodpath for mindfulness based on specific feelings

- mindfulness to learn to accept uncomfortable feelings

- "It's ok not to feel ok"

- "This too shall pass"

It sounds like you are distracting from your distressing feelings which is ok in the short term, but you don't want to have prolonged distress and avoidance, so go see a therapist privately or through Medicare via a GP.

[blondguy]

Hi 44Max44

I really understand the dark place you are in. This is my 38th year with chronic anxiety/depression (in recovery)

There are excellent supportive posts from members above

Just to cut a long story short....Please make a double appointment with your GP as soon as you can. Recovery does (unfortunately) take heaps of determination and strength. A double GP visit will also help you build a strong foundation for your well being

Any questions are always welcome 44Max44

you are not alone

my kind thoughts for you and your recovery

Paul