"I understand you"

[zaidoo12]

I am a 27 turning 28 next month and still wondering why I have never heard anyone say "I understand you" to me. every time there is something that I feel and see that is unfair for me, people always say their opinion but never saw where I am standing.

I grew up from a small country with poor family. Never complained with anything i have had because i dont want my family especially my parents to feel that what they did weren't enough. I worked and helped family after my studies; and even if while I was studying I do extra job to earn money for school and family too. I always help everyone who is in need as much as i could especially family. I saw how easy life was with other people while most of everything was a struggle. But then again, people that i love are my priority. It is very rare for me to say "NO" to anyone because I have had lot's of "NO's" in my life too. And that feeling wasn't pleasant. I grew up trying to understand everyone's needs and situation until now that i am married (3yrs). But I guess I have reached my end of understanding everyone, the end of giving without having in return. i never wished for material things but to hear and feel that someone understand.

Someone said I am naive. i give all i can even if i know i will not have anything left. I did this to myself. I have let myself feel like this.

Now I am feeling guilty that I am exoecting something in return. But is it wrong to care and understand everyone hoping someone, even just one from them will give the same thing even if i don't ask for it. Just as simple as "i understand you" response when I am feeling heavy.

[Zeal]

Hi Zaidoo,

Welcome to the forum!

You sound like such a caring and giving person. I am glad you are allowing yourself to start wanting some equal exchanges, where you can benefit too. You deserve to have help and understanding just as much as others, so hopefully this self-guilt will start to disappear. Your humble family life and your good nature means that you don't take advantage of people, don't have lofty expectations and also don't place high value on material possessions. These are positives, and show you live meaningfully.

It's great that you're now married. I hope you and your partner are happy together. You seem so mature for someone in their late twenties. I am 23, still live at home and I'm still studying.

I just located an article about saying no to people in different situations. You might like to have a read: http://personalexcellence.co/blog/say-no/

Thanks for posting!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[zaidoo12]

Thank you for replying and warm welcome.

As the eldest in the family I have learned to be responsible to set as a good example to my 4 siblings; and to also avoid them being hurt or feel anything like what i am feeling.

Being married is nice. But differences always comes as usual. i thought i will have someone that could listen to me and understand me the most but it is not happening. he seems to not understand that i have anxiety and depression. Never been vocal with anything and even told me to seek professional help because only them who could help me. fair enough isn't it. But as a merried person I don't feel i have someone beside me. This time i felt like giving up of expecting. i felt like maybe what is happening is what is meant to be. that if i will just accept and understand that i will never find nor feel what i am looking for, it will give me less pain and things to think about.

[MsPurple]

Hi zaidoo I know how frustrating it is to give and not receive. You seem like a sympathetic person and some of the people around you don't seem to be the same way. I know first hand it can be hard to say no to people, because you want to make everyone else happy. But sometimes making everyone else happy isn't enough. You need to do stuff that makes you happy and be what some people may think is 'selfish' but is really self care. Unfortunetly not everyone understands depression and anxiety like we do here on the forums but I'd like to let you know I understand and can relate to you in some respect. I am not married and am currently single, but when I was in a relationship I remember how alone I felt because he didn't understand my depression and anxiety. I know them saying you should seek professional help may seem like they are passing it off, but really that is not their intent. Some people are concerned to say the wrong thing and they know a professional will say the right thing and will help you in the long run. It can also help you with communication and by you getting a better understanding of yourself and how you feel, maybe you could learn to explain it in a way that he can relate to. Does that make sense? Hope this helps. x

[zaidoo12]

thank you MsPurple. I always try to understand and find positive reason why he cant say much. But he was in depression too when i met him and i was always there. i always listen and try to understand hi every step of the way and know he is better I am not. I am the one who is in need but i felt left alone and always have to figure things out on my own emotionally. He asks what i feel or how my day was but that's a bout it. he just wants to know what happened. Not everything is wrong. I know it is me who make things even bigger but what can i do.. i dont know. so here i am. looking for help. it hurts that i have to get this time, this feeling of being heard from others than my very own partner. I still wanna believe that things will change and will get better...' right?

[white knight]

Hi, thanks for this thread

Google,

Topic: they just won't understand, why?- beyondblue

Tony WK

[MsPurple]

Zaidoo things will get better. I know it is cleiche but it is true. When you are depressed you are in a dark tunnel and you can't see the end, and you begin to believe there is no end because you can only see darkness. I promise there is an end and the light at the end of the tunnel will make it all better again. I'm sorry your partner doesn't understand and doesn't talk about it. I will admit I am guilty of that to. My mum has bipolar and she talks about my depression but when she talks about her bipolar I sometimes shut down and don't talk to her about it. I will talk about her depression but not really her bipolar. I think the reason for this is that I have always been scared I would be diagnosed with bipolar. The medication for her (in the past) was bruital and her struggle lasted 35 years before she was diagnosed (she spent too much money and still having to pay it off). Some people struggle to talk about things that makes them see something in themselves they are scared of or find hard to deal with. I know this shouldn't be an excuse but it can be hard to break the cycle. I am talking more to mum about it now when she brings it up and no longer avoiding the subject. Maybe he just needs time. I know its annoying to have to talk to others here on the forum and not your husband but I'm glad you are venting somewhere and not keeping it all in. Don't want it to build up. Maybe keep trying to talk to him about it and see how it goes this time. Not sure if that's possible but maybe he may suprise you.

[Moonstruck]

Dear Zaidoo - I am not very good at replying and giving support to new people on here, or even to the ones I have known for a long time actually. I think I get more help from the people here, than I give - I wish I could be more help to everyone else.

You sound such a gentle, caring, sensitive, and thoughtful soul - I think you are full of love and compassion to give and the time may have come when your little "inner child" needs the big grown up Zaidoo to hold her close and comfort her. And one thing I can say for sure to you dear Zaidoo is..."I understand you"...luv Moon S x

[white knight]

Hi moon,

You just reached out in such a very special way.

Beautiful

Tony WK