Pregnant and lonely

[Kat30]

I am currently 30 weeks pregnant and am really happy about it, especially after my first being a loss.

The only thing is that I have been feeling really lonely and borderline depressed. My husband is a wonderful man but sometimes I don’t think he understands how hard and isolating being pregnant is. There are times where I just want to talk about how I feel but he doesn’t seem to get it or tries to give me advice to ‘fix the problem’.

I am not one to share my feelings with many people so thought I’d post here to see if anyone else is feeling the same and what you have done to ease this loneliness.

thank you

[PamelaR]

Hi Kat, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

Congratulations! You must be excited even though you are lonely. Do you live in a rural or urban area?

I do understand about how your hubby wants to 'fix the problem'. That's something I used to do, as did my husband. Maybe he thinks this is what he needs to do? Have you thought about saying, please just listen, you don't have to solve my problem? I just want to talk, to get it off my chest. So please don't respond.

That's how I got my hubby to just listen. Pregnancy is life changing - your hormones are changing, your shape is changing, clothes don't fit, the muscles in your groin hurt, the baby kicks at inappropriate times. Also, maybe you are a little frightened too. It's okay to be frightened.

Are you going to antenatal classes yet? Or is that too soon? Do you have other family around you can talk to, e.g. parent or sibling? Are there any gym or swimming classes for pregnant women in your area that you could join?

It's good you've come here. Keep reaching out when you want to Kat.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Jackson85]

Hi Kat30,

Congratulations on your pregnancy! It's a bit of a rollercoaster, yes, but I'm really happy for you. 30 weeks can be a tricky time, like PamelaR said, as the baby is starting to claim more space, and your body (and mind) are doing their best to accommodate them. As PamelaR said, sometimes people feel a problem needs a solution, and all that's required to help them understand you just need a vent, is a relatively simple conversation. Sometimes men (myself included!) don't quite get why people are complaining if they don't want a solution, but really, it's not complaining, it's just a release of some stress and all the junk cluttering up our mind, that needs to let it all out to a kind ear. I try very hard to be that ear for my wife, and simply empathise with her, and be there in that moment with her, and share her frustration and her plight. Then, as we're both in the same place, she's no longer alone, and we can get out of the frustration together. And if your husband is solution focused, you can tell him that the solution isn't solving the problem, it's feeling better about the problem, so in listening to and being with you in that moment, he's solving the problem of you being upset, and feeling alone.

If you bring it up in a way that you feel you need that extra love and treatment, rather than that he is doing the wrong thing by trying to provide solutions, I'm sure he'll be receptive. He surely wants to help you as best he can, sometimes we just miss the mark a little on what each other needs.

Happy to chat more if you'd like, thanks for posting and sharing your feelings.

Jackson85

[Kat30]

Hi Pamela,

Thank you so much for your reply. You are correct, sometimes I need to just give him a little nudge in the right direction. I think my pregnancy hormones are making me really emotional as well. I had a discussion with hubby and he now seems to understand but it’ll take time and his personality is a ‘helper’ type.

I live in an urban area and have been working out throughout my pregnancy, yoga makes me feel more in touch with my body and lifting weights makes me feel somewhat in control. The last few weeks have been tough due to the third trimester tiredness and feeling morning sickness again. I am always tired and still work full time in a high pressure job.

prenatal classes start next week and hubby and I are going together so that might also get him in touch with what is happening.

I think most times I feel lonely because I have a little person growing inside and I am usually up all night while everyone sleeps. I get frustrated that I can’t sleep and it’s a never ending cycle!

[Kat30]

Thanks so much Jackson.

It’s really nice to get a male’s perspective on this topic. Pregnancy has been one of the most lonely times in my life, which is strange as you have a little human inside you 24/7 so you aren’t completely alone.

I think I am going to talk it out more with my hubby, thinking he might not know how to help and feel helpless himself. We are generally good at communication as we were best friends before we started dating and I think it’s hard explaining pregnancy to a man but will have to start somewhere!

[PamelaR]

Hi Kat

Certainly sounds like you have everything worked out for yourself. Gym, weight lifting, prenatal classes!! Great.

The non sleeping isn't good. Probably best if you see you dr about it, if you haven't already. Also, feel free to do a search in the BB website for the keyword sleep. It's a good discussion by people about what works and what doesn't work for them.

Me, I have had issues sleeping (at night) most of my life. Now that I'm retired this is okay I get power naps (and longer ones) when I can.

You talk about having a high pressure job. Do you bring things home about work (in your head that is)? I.e. are you able to switch off from work when you walk out the door?

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Jackson85]

Thanks Kat, that's great, I'm glad to hear it.

Yeah pregnancy is a very perculiar time, and your mind is sort of at the mercy of all the chemicals it needs to make in order to develop a healthy baby! It's really common to feel lonely and isolated during pregnancy, so you are definitely not the only one.

I think connecting with your husband will help, as expecting fathers often worry that once that baby comes, they're going to be pushed down the pecking order (which they are, and they must be) but most men are used to being the centre of their partner's world. Trying to support each other and make sure you're in it together is such a great goal, and you sound like you're in a great position to get things back on track 🙂

Congratulations again on the pregnancy, your life is about to change for the better.

Jackson85