Postpartum depression

[Mummaof2girls]

I have 2 daughters oldest is 5 in June and youngest just turned 1 in January. After having my youngest I have suffered with postpartum depression, I find myself crying every day, not feeling good enough and feel like a terrible mum. My oldest is full of attitude and never listens and I always find myself yelling at her and then feeling horrible about it later on. There are times throughout my day where I just want to walk out the door and not turn back. I miss having anytime to myself, I can’t shower or go to the toilet without having my kids beside me. I’ve changed for the better after having my girls, I was 22 when I had my first and was a bit of a party girl. So my children made me grow up in a better way. But now I’m 28 and just miss being able to do things for myself sometimes. I love my girls with everything I got, I’m just really struggling mentally at the moment and wanting to get some help but I’m too scared to ask for help and don’t know what to do. 

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life. I feel for you so deeply as you try your hardest to navigate a part of your life's path that feels so upsetting and dark at the moment.

I think what a lot of people don't talk about, regarding motherhood, is 'The challenges of being a mum who's managing depression or who is struggling in a number of ways'. On the other hand, there's plenty out there about 'What makes an ideal mother'. From my own experience, being a mum to a 21yo gal and an 18yo guy and while having faced mental health challenges in the past, they're 2 completely different topics, with the 1st one not getting anywhere near the kind of recognition or attention it deserves.

While I faced post natal depression with both my kids, depression was already an existing factor in my life. So, while depression was nothing new to me, PND ramped it up to a whole other level. Motherhood became fuel for my inner critic, which sounded like 'What kind of mother can't breast feed her own child/ren? What kind of mother doesn't love her own child/ren? What kind of mother isn't happy to have children? What kind of mother resents her child and can't enthusiastically play with them?' and on and on it went, with the answer always being 'A horrible mother'. My inner critic was a downright a-hole, to tell you the truth, putting it bluntly. I should add, while hindsight's great somewhere down the track, it really doesn't help in the moment. A lot's much clearer now, when it comes to how PND played out for me. Btw, when hindsight does develop, it can develop with a list of all the triggers that can help us make greater sense of things. Some of the triggers can be far from obvious at the time. 

While experts may point to a lack of oxytocin and all the hormones and chemical imbalances that can contribute to PND, I come more from a natural perspective. One of the biggest triggers for me was not having anyone who could relate to my struggle and especially my feelings. I found proof of this when I joined PND group therapy about 8 weeks after my son was born. While it was hard to join a group of complete strangers, it ended up being a life changer for me in a lot of ways and a massive relief. It is a relief to feel completely normal within a group of women who can relate to the depressing challenges of being a mum. 'I thought it was just me (who felt that way)' becomes a phrase that goes out the window. I can't recommend such group therapy highly enough.

Our children definitely develop us. My 2 kids are 2 of my greatest developers, teachers and raisers in my life. Our kids can raise us well, to develop greater levels of tolerance, unselfishness, patience, love, open mindedness, self discipline and more. I've found such development comes with almost constant testing. For example, while some people may proclaim to be patient, their level of patience will be put to the test at times. So, it's kinda like 'If you thought you were incredibly patient, think again. There's more work to be done'. At school, we never pass tests or exams without having gained a clearer understanding of the work involved, the knowledge and skills required. In the school of mumming (parenting as a mother), great teachers/guides are a must. Great teachers would have made motherhood much easier for me back when my kids were babies. A great teacher would have made my life less depressing by insisting 'Breast is not best for a mother who's finding the struggles of breastfeeding deeply depressing and mentally torturous, formula is what's best in this case'. There are definitely a lot of highly questionable and depressing 'teachers' out there, that's for sure. Motherhood can be horrible, depressing, incredibly exhausting, torturous, stressful and even soul destroying in certain ways at times and anyone who tells us 'That's terrible and none of it's true' has...well...basically had it easy. You're a good mum and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, not even your inner critic. ❤️

[Mummaof2girls]

Thank you so much for that! I’m a bit of an antisocial person I get very nervous around new people to the point I feel sick. I’m trying to overcome my social anxiety to get into a mothers group so I have those “mum friends” that are going through the same thing as me so that I don’t go crazy always being inside this house. 
It’s truly amazing to know I’m not alone but it’s also so easy to feel so alone 😞 

[therising]

Hi Mummaof2girls

Social anxiety definitely doesn't make things easy when it comes to connecting with the best people/supports/guides. As someone once said 'People are only strangers once. After that, you know them'. With meeting people for the first time, I try to silently talk my nervous system through it on occasion. My nervous system isn't always co-operative, as it has me shaking at times, almost uncontrollably. I smile when I say if I had to imagine what it looks like under such circumstances, it would resemble a possum in the headlights of an oncoming car (stunned, terrified, overwhelmed and unable to hear anything I'm telling it). The poor thing. 😁

I also smile when I think about what plenty of mums have said throughout history, 'Giving birth automatically flips your guilt switch to the on position'. Once it's on you start feeling guilty about so much, especially when it comes to your kids. Sometimes I wonder whether it's the same for general sensitivity. It's kind of like you start feeling or sensing more than ever before. You can feel the smell of your own newborn, feel the sound of a stressed out baby crying, feel the judgement others can have towards you and the list goes on. And the biggy is...you can also feel every little depressing thing. To suddenly feel more than just about everyone around us is an enormous and definite lonely challenge. Took me years to work out I never feel lonely around other sensitive people. As a matter of fact, if I'm told someone I'm meeting for the first time is rather sensitive, that's the kind of person I can't wait to meet.🙂