Crippling insecurity

[JLee]

I have been trying to explain my feeling to my few family and friends but it seems they have grown annoyed and uninterested with my concerns but I am desperate. I need to know if what I am feeling is normal or unfair to my partner. My partner in my eyes is amazing in every way possible, I adore the man but because I have put him on such a high pedestal I now feel inadequate and unworthy of him. I feel cripplingly insecure. Lately he has been distant with me, less affectionate and less attentive. I fear he is losing interest and so now I am tearing myself apart trying to figure out what is wrong with me. Did I push him away? Annoy him? Turn him off? Am I unattractive in his eye? Was he ever into me in the first place or was it all just convenient? God knows. His exes were all skinny girls and shorter than I am. He even said I am the first bigger girl he has dated. He has gone through a break up with his long term girlfriend months prior to me and was seeing others whilst talking to me. I fear I may even be a rebound. I do not know, this speculation is hurting my heart and head and I want someone to tell me the truth. He has been telling me a-lot of stories of him and his exes as well as the women he was “seeing” whilst talking to me. The stories have been making me feel sick to my core, I genuinely felt like I could vomit just from hearing him talk about it. It had made me feel disgusted by him. I may just be immature and insecure but if that is the case I just want to be told. Hearing it will definitely give me some closure and assure that I can find away to work around it.

[therising]

I feel so deeply for you as you face such a tormenting and heartbreaking challenge in your life, with what sounds like little support.

I think if a partner is going to spend time talking about their ex's, it's a bit of a red flag. Unless it's for some really good reason (such as relating to past trauma they're trying to work through), it sounds like an unfeeling thing to be doing. I wonder why he can't feel the impact this could possibly have on you. If he's comparing, in regard to how great they were, or if he's bragging, it's definitely a thoughtless and sickening thing to be doing. Even if my husband was to start asking me about my ex's, my response to him would be 'I'm not going to start discussing past relationships with you because that's where they need to stay, in the past'. The main reason for this attitude is based on the fact I wouldn't want him to start comparing himself to people I'd been out with when I was younger. I can't help but wonder why your partner feels the need to discuss this with you or why he felt the need to tell you that you're the first bigger girl he's dated. What is the reason for him having no conscious filter? Is it arrogance, immaturity, an innocent lack of consciousness or something else?

Do you feel if he was more considerate and respectful you wouldn't feel so insecure? A serious lack of consideration can be a sickening thing sometimes. Sometimes it pay to trust our gut feeling. ❤️

[james1]

Hi Guest_29787113,

You're in such a difficult place win this relationship, I understand why you are feeling insecure. Relationships are difficult at best, let alone when we start to see the other person as somehow better than us.

It's very difficult to speculate about how he is feeling, but I wonder if we can help you feel stronger and able to find the best way forward.

If I was in your place, I would also be feeling quite bad. A lot of what he's said could definitely be hurtful, even if unintentionally. It's never helpful to be put in a position where you feel you are being compared, so I don't think it would be out of place if you tried to challenge your partner when he says things that make you feel bad. That can be tough, so at the very least, I hope you can understand that it's not weird to feel the way you feel right now. It just seems like you don't have anyone in your corner, backing you up.

James