People tell me I'm doing things wrong, but won't explain to me exactly what and how

[Earth Girl]

People from school keep indirectly telling me to do better, but they never directly explained to me exactly what it is that I am doing wrong. I want to be a nice person, and I try to be, but it's really hard figuring out what the problem is when people are very vague about it.

They indirectly tell me...

That I'm vain, superficial and socially fake, but don't explain how/what it is that I'm doing that makes me so.

That I'm stubborn, but don't explain how.

That I'm unforgiving 

That I only want what's best for me

That I lack warmth and humility

That I'm materialistic

That I'm pretentious

That I believe in stereotypes 

That I'm manipulative (I've looked this word up many times, but still don't get it, but it's definitely something that I wouldn't want to be because apparently, it's sort of like controlling people in a really mean way?) I also don't know how exactly I am doing this though or what it means.

That I'm heartless - If you're going to call someone this especially, PLEASE explain what exactly they are doing that makes them this because nobody wants to be like this.

That I don't say please and thank you - I use to not do this a lot for a stage when I was a teenager when I was using another forum, but I realized I was being rude and it probably didn't make people feel good even though they were helping me so I started doing it again so I don't see how I am still doing this? There have been times other than when I used that site when it didn't occur to me to say thank you, but it wasn't because I didn't appreciate them. I struggle a lot socially so sometimes I will think "that was nice what that person did for me" and then think "Oh, I probably should have said thank you." I say it when it occurs to me though, because I want people to know that I appreciate what they've done for me.

That I don't let others have opinions - again, no examples given.

That I'm jealous of others instead of just being envious and using that to get better - I don't know how I'm still acting jealous?

That I'm unfriendly

Selfish

Hypocritical

Etc... 

If you're going to tell someone these things, but don't explain to them how they are doing these things/acting this way, it kind of defeats the purpose.

And when I politely ask them if they could please explain how I am only caring about material things or what stereotypes I believe in for example, they just get mad at me.

It's really hard to stop doing something wrong when you don't know exactly what it is that you are doing wrong. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Earth Girl,

With the health problems you mention, I just thought I'd mention very similar issues I have dealt with that are part of Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS). This may not be relevant to you at all, but your mention of bladder issues, mucus issues and coughing up stuff are things I've dealt with on and off over many years and I only recently learned that in my case it's part of MCAS.

I developed a chronic issue with mucus in my throat and having to cough it up along with reflux type issues around the age of 19. It can persist for months at a time, then disappear for a bit, then come back again. At 30 I developed bladder pain syndrome, also known as interstitial cystitis (which is not an infection like regular cystitis). This condition is characterised by dysfunction in mast cells in the bladder wall and can involve urinary frequency and/or bladder pain. I had both but the pain was the worst symptom, for others it's the other way round.

One thing I have learned with MCAS is that hormones play a role and it has got much worse for me during perimenopause. Currently it's hard for me to keep food down because of reactions to foods that are high in histamine or that lead to histamine release in the body. Histamine intolerance is part of MCAS and this has a lot to do with mucus production. I am on 3 different antihistamine medications which I can't name here because we can't name specific meds, and I've also taken a supplement before meals that breaks down histamine.

I'm just thinking it may be something to look into as it tends to have systemic effects and is connected with an overreactive immune system. Not many doctors are knowledgeable about it, but a few are, such as my hormone specialist doctor and some integrative doctors. As I understand some allergists and immunologists know about and treat it. I am mentioning this as information only and it may not be relevant at all. It's just one option to consider investigating if your symptoms persist. MCAS commonly affects sleep as well. You would need medical advice from someone who understands it to get some support with it, but again do not jump to the conclusion you have it. It's just something to potentially look into.

I really hope you can find a job that suits you. My bladder issues were still pretty bad when I restarted work after a period of time away from it. However, I found going to work actually helped retrain my body back into some kind of normality, like it helped recondition the body back to a more functional state and the bladder pain and frequency really improved over time. So you may find that work actually even helps with the symptoms if it's a similar issue but it may depend a bit on the demands of the job. I do hope you can find something you like and that suits you.

Take care,

ER

P.S. I'm going through a full on stressful situation at the moment so if I don't reply soon I'm not ignoring you, I'm just dealing with a lot. I just felt I should reply to your post after reading it in case my experience is helpful.

[Earth Girl]

Hi ER! Thanks so much for sharing your experience, especially since you are going through a really difficult time, it helps heaps! I think this is very likely what I have too because I occasionally have problems getting down food, usually food like sushi and sandwiches. I also think I have something wrong with my hormones because I got it tested and my doctors said that it sounded fine, but the results said that my testosterone level is much higher than my estrogen level so I got my ovaries checked two times and both times, they said my ovaries were very nice and clear so I know it's not from PCOS. I grow a bit of hair on my chin, upper lip and belly which I'm also embarrassed about and get bullied really badly for which I think is quite low of these people to do because it's a superficial thing. I don't want to have hair in these areas, but the hair has been here for ages and I'm hoping something can fix it. Not sure if that is related to my possible hormone problem, but I think it likely is. 

I've had mucus going through my throat on and off since I was a teenager, but the coughing up of it started last year or this year and I am now 31. I recently got medication to help with reflux which I will start taking soon. I don't think my doctor is specialized in this specific thing because she says it's going to be hard to figure out what the cause of all this is so I will try to find someone who specializes in MCAS and Histamine. 

That's really interesting that your job helped you with your bladder issues. I think it might do the same for me. I'm just a bit worried about not smelling so good despite having a shower each morning before going out if you get what I mean, especially if I'm at work. But I'm sure everything will eventually work out. 

Again, thanks so much for helping me heaps while you are going through a really difficult time! I really appreciate it and I hope you feel a lot better soon. 💓

[Eagle Ray]

Hello again Earth Girl,

I remember listening to a podcast by Dr Tania Dempsey on a couple of issues related to MCAS. If you go to her website you can find the podcasts under the Podcast tab and some of those episodes might be of interest and relate to what you are experiencing. In the discussions with people they go into a whole range of aspects of MCAS. If you go right back to the first podcast she introduces MCAS and then discusses various topics in later episodes. I only listened to two of the later ones, I think the one on hormones and the one on mould (sensitivity to mould can be an issue for people with MCAS). I used to wonder if I had PCOS too but the results were negative for it. But apparently it's actually more complex than the way doctors often approach it and I'm pretty sure her podcast on hormones and MCAS covers that topic (I think, as far as I can remember).

I have also read about people who have found that when they have been able to regulate their nervous system better, their MCAS got better too. I am trying to work on that approach myself. I go to a Bowen therapist who really helps my nervous system to calm down and regulate better. I think working sort of had that effect too. Initially I was working as an education assistant and the kids really needed me. I had to really focus on them, some of them with special needs. Somehow in that process the bladder condition started to heal. I think actually working with the kids was really meaningful and therefore actually started to shift how I felt and how my nervous system was functioning. According to approaches such as Polyvagal Theory, this is understood as co-regulation, where human nervous systems become attuned and are healing for one another. But even just the responsibility and focus I had to have in a job made my body start to regulate differently. Doing volunteer work in something that feels rewarding could also be of benefit.

Those are just some thoughts anyway. I hope you can find a doctor or practitioner who is knowledgeable in that area. Take care 🙏

[Earth Girl]

I think I might have issues with my nervous system too which would be great to get help with. I studied childcare when I was in my early 20's and I remember my bladder was quite good then both when I was at school and when I was going to centers for placement. I have a lot of good memories from then.

I volunteered recently at the RSPCA for 8 months which was also rewarding, but my bladder was not very good at all during this time, and I kept feeling like I really needed to go. I was only there in the early mornings for 3 hours once a week though so maybe there wasn't a lot of "rhythm" for it to get use to not having to go a lot. 

I'm planning to do more volunteering though once my sleeping problems are more sorted because the type of volunteering I want to try next is very early in the morning. 

Thanks again so much! This was super helpful! 😊

[Eagle Ray]

I’ve listened to podcasts with Dr Louise Newson where she discusses bladder issues with urologists and the use of things like hormonal creams to treat overactive bladder. That may be another resource to look at. While she specialises in perimenopause and menopause, she also works with younger people with PMDD and other hormonal issues. She has a brief online article: “Do I have an overactive bladder?” I don’t have time to find the relevant podcast episodes again right now, but I know she’s gone into detail talking with urologists and I only wish I had that info when my bladder symptoms were really bad, so you might find that info helpful. I think what you are dealing with is treatable and it can be a case of just finding a practitioner who knows something about it, as not all doctors are cluey on these things. It’s like putting the puzzle pieces together as to what is actually happening.

That’s so lovely you volunteered at RSPCA 🐶🐱🐰

[Earth Girl]

Thanks so much, Eagle Ray! I will look all of these up and see if this may be what's going on and what she says I can do about it. And yes, I'm sure these issues I have with my bladder, hormones, etc are treatable and will eventually get a lot better. 🙂

Thank you for your kind words as always. I hope you are feeling a lot better. 💕

[Earth Girl]

I recently just realized how bad it is to back stab someone, especially like this and especially when they were always kind to me no matter what and never wronged me. Even if it's a metaphor, it's still similar to having a knife and just digging it into someone, except in this case, you're not hurting their back, you're hurting their heart and their feelings. Even if she did wrong me, I would still be so wrong for this.

I want to apologize to her again with a better apology and ask if there is anything I can do at all to make things better in any way, but I'm worried that it might make her feel even worse? I thought that the first time I apologized, it might make it worse, but I think it was the right thing to do now even if it didn't take away the pain because at least, I was letting them know that I was deeply wrong. If I apologize again though, maybe it would be rude in some way? I'm really not sure. I also don't know how it would make her feel exactly. The last thing I want is to make things even worse for her than I already have. 

Whenever I talk to my family about this, they say that what I did wasn't that bad, but it WAS. They tell me to just move on, but I can't.  

I want to get help for my narcissism, but I could only find one person who helps people with this where I live and apparently, they aren't registered so my dad isn't completely sure. I also will probably have to continue hiding that from my parents that I'm trying to get help with my narcissism because they don't think I have it even though I do and if they find out that I'm trying to get help for it still, they may not let me see anyone for this.

I've had people back stab me many times before, especially people in my immediate family and try to make me look bad, but I don't think I've ever been back stabbed this badly.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi yet again Earth Girl,

Just now I’ve read an article just posted on the ABC News website. It’s called “Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome Renamed Polyendocrine Metabolic Ovarian Syndrome”. So it’s now PMOS instead of PCOS. It’s recognising that the focus on cysts on the ovaries was inaccurate as people with the condition do not get cysts at a higher rate than others. Instead of being understood as a reproductive condition it’s being understood as a more generally hormonal condition. Metabolic changes and insulin resistance are a factor. This is exactly what they talked about in the Tania Dempsey podcast I mentioned above that looked at MCAS and hormones in which they said PCOS was not an accurate name for the condition. This all seems so relevant to what you have been talking about so I just thought I’d mention it as you might want to read the article.

All the best! 🤗

ER

[Earth Girl]

That sounds like a great article. I'll read that as well and I'm sure it will give me good insight on what might be going on. 

Thanks again ER! 🤗

[Earth Girl]

I was playing Sims 4 and I didn't know people could see me play on there. In the corner of a part of the game, I would get comments and most of them just sounded like things the game might randomly say to players like "Hey there, *username*", but once when I was playing, one of them said "Mmm, *username*?, tasty" and I was like, okay, that's not something the game would say unless there was weird AI stuff going on or something so people probably are watching me. Luckily, most people were saying nice things like "Magical *username*" and "Nice one, *username*", but one of the last things someone said before I stopped playing was "A reticulated *username*." I looked it up and Google said it was a skin and possible serious autoimmune condition. I told my dad about it and he just say "Yeah, okay." I said a bit more about it to him and then he said, "I don't know why they would think that" and kept typing on his computer.

Apparently, this condition can be caused from dehydration and shows up on people with really fair skin, or it can be something very serious that you should see a doctor/hospital about - which I will do. I'm a bit worried. If I tell my parents about this, they will think I'm over-reacting and say there's nothing wrong with my skin. I have heard people I went to school with say that my face sometimes looks blue and before anyone even said anything like that about my skin, I felt like my skin looked kind of purple and very blotchy with different colors on my face (blue, red and purple). I used to wear make-up almost every day because I was so insecure about the coloring of my facial skin. At least now I know what could be wrong with my skin and that it might look better with help and more importantly, I should get help for health reasons. 

It could be dehydration since some days I use my water bottle a lot and other days, I just have about a cup of water, which I'm kind of embarrassed about, but it would still probably be better for my health if that is what is causing it and probably also easier to fix.