Partner doesn't seem to understand

[Al2345]

 Sorry, this is quite long but I'm not sure what I need to do. 

I recently spoke to my maternal and child health nurse and she was concerned and suggested I my need to speak to someone in regards to my feelings. 

i have a 1 year old and for a little while now it seems to be getting harder to cope. My partner works 10 hour days 6:30 till 4:30-5:00ish every day. He then usually gets home and goes cycling for an hour or so when he finishes work most days. Which is all fine, but it leaves me home on my own quite often and I start to feel quite isolated. I don't have a lot of friends that aren't busy working and have other things on. I spend a lot of time just me and my baby.

 my problem is, that when I spoke to my partner about what the nurse said his response was kind of "oh, that bad is it?" And the way he said it kind of felt like he thought I was being silly/ had no real reason to feel the way I do. He likes to bring up how many other mothers are in the same position and they're coping fine, and though he never says it, it's like he's getting at 'so why aren't you fine' 

I feel okay when he's home but he doesn't seem to understand what it's like for me when I'm on my own all day. When he is home all he wants to do is 'just have a while to sit down and relax'. Most of the time he's home he does his own thing and only really helps with baby when I'm busy cleaning or cooking. He's very much of the mindset that 'I get paid to stay at home with baby and he gets paid to go to work' meaning he works and I have to look after baby 24/7. If I ever bring that up it just starts a big fight about me not appreciating that he goes to work all day and earns the money while I sit at home all day. 

All these little things build up and I start to feel like I'm not doing very well. And with his reaction to what the nurse said, he seems to think there's no reason for me to feel that way. So I doubt myself and think maybe I'm over reacting. I don't want to go and talk to someone because my partner makes me feel like I should be coping fine and shouldn't need to see anyone. He's never said that, but the first thing he said when I mentioned talking to someone was that 'I'll probably go there and they'll ask about him and I'll have to mention how he's always working and riding and doing whatever he wants'. And that's probably true, so he didn't seem at all keen for me to follow through. I feel like he doesn't believe I need help. 

 i don't know what to do!

[Maureen]

Hello, a12345,  cute name. My daughter is in a similar situation as you. Husband works long hours, daughter was home for too many hours on her own with the bub. She was having issues with post natal depression as well. It didn't really start til her daughter was close to a year old. She was lucky that there was a gov't run mothers group for ladies with pnd for them to get together, compare stories, seek help amongst them all. This helped her a lot to realise that not all moms cope with a new baby. It's very normal to feel down and feelings of not coping. It's hard work taking care of a new bub, let alone doing it mostly by yourself. Please don't feel it's just you.

Not sure what your money situation is but my daughter also took her baby to swimming lessons. Got her out of the house for an enjoyable hour, met up with other young mums and bulbs, made her feel not so alone and made some new friends. There is also mothers groups for the same type of thing.

Is there anyway you could organise with your husband that he take the baby for an hour once a week so you can get out on your own. Meet up with friends for coffee, take a walk, go to the gym? Helps so much to have me time. If not, there are occasional childcare centres around (depending where you live) where you could leave bub for an hour for me time.

Take care of yourself, be caring to yourself. I'm sure you're being a fantastic mom.

Re what to do re hubbies attitude. I'm sorry I have no advice. 

Take care.

Maureen

[white knight]

Hi 12345, welcome

I think this is common. If the worker parent is not riding a bike he/she could be having a drink at the pub or doing their hobby. Their working day is finished and lets face it, depending on the job, it can be gruelling. I think your husband needs that hour of riding to wind down. following that hour he should be able to help out with baby and cooking meals etc. It's out of synch for todays world because equal parenting is coming into vogue.

I've often her eon the forum held the view that if one partner wont go to counselling then go alone. This is to learn to cope with the other partners stubbornness as well as pointers in handling the situation. Here is a article I wrote about men- Google it-  "Topic: talking to men, some tips- beyondblue"

But I also agree with Maureen in that keeping busy with other mums and perhaps a small hobby while baby sleeps will divert your attention from your husbands lack of effort. He might not have fallen into the dad groove just yet. Give him time.

Tony WK

[White_Rose]

Dear A12345

Hello and welcome. I'm very pleased you wrote in. Many women experience the same problem as you. My husband worked at two jobs to support me and our two very young daughters. When he got home all he wanted to do was eat and sleep. That sounds very reasonable because he was working hard but I was on my own with two babies, no transport and little money. I appreciated how hard he worked and why but it did not help me with my loneliness and the responsibility of two little ones. No family available.

I did make friends with some of my neighbours which helped a little, especially as they had children with a similar age to mine. In the end my husband found a better paying job and was home more often.

I don't know what is available in your neighbourhood so it's difficult to make suggestions. Maureen has talked about going to the gym and I have found they often have a child minding service or creche for parents to leave their children. Exercise would also be good for you as it helps with your mental health. So look around and see what activities are on offer that accommodate babies. Can you join a playgroup? My daughter has taken her daughter to swimming lessons since she was about a year old. So if there is a pool nearby that offers lessons you could go there.

Actually , anything that gets you out of the house for a couple of hours will be good for you. Do you need your husband to take you shopping? If not then why not go shopping several times a week? No need to get everything in one journey and I expect you have a pram for baby. Enquire at your local library about activities that are run from there. They often have story sessions for little ones during the day. Also a number of different groups meet in my local library for different reasons. I believe there is a book club and craft/sewing group. See what is on offer. Even if you have never tried any of the activities before, have a go. You may have a great time.

Until you have been alone in your home for a while it's difficult to understand how lonely it can get. So I imagine your husband cannot understand why you get upset. He probably thinks it would be great not to have to go to work, and that is not said to put him down.

If you feel very bad then ask your GP to organise some counselling for you. It's better than nothing if your husband will not go. However, I really feel you should try to get out more and find a life for yourself and baby rather than depend on your husband for company. It will give you independence.

Write in again.

Mary