Partner blaming me for his suicidal thoughts

[nurse91]

This is going to be a long one. 

Partner and i have been togther nearly 7 years and they have been up and down. 

We did 3 years long distance for career reasons after being together for 2 years. We have now been living together for 2 years. 

In the begining i will openly admit i was 100% the problem. I had untreated anxiety, depression and ADHD - related to life long trauma and i was alot to handle. I have since become medicated and taken back control of my life and i think although not perfect i do strive to become a better person everyday. I thought my history is relevant as i do not want to paint the picture that my partner has not been there for me in the past. 

Fast forward to now. My partner is going through a lengthy and very stressful time in his life, financially, mentally and physically. I do my best to help with this however recently i tried having a gentle conversation about a few of my own insecurities and difficulties (tried having this conversation many times) and eventually it ended in an arguement where he said i dont help him at all, i make things more difficult for him and he has sucidal thought a because of the extra pressure i put on him. I am now stuck in the situation where i want to leave to give him the space he needs because i dont want to make him want to kill himself but i cant leave because i dont want him to be alone and i dont want him to feel abandoned. I dont know what to do. I have mentioned getting help and couples therapy but he just says "all you have to do is be nice". I do all the house work and i work a full time job plus help him with his career. We havent been intimate for nearly 1.5 years and when i bring it up he says the same thing- "just be nice". I am willing to take some blame becauae i am far from perfect but what he said about the suicidal part and it being my fault has really shook me. 

Can someone please shed some light on this for me.

Thanks 

[Sophie_M]

Hi nurse91, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for having the bravery to share your story. We’re sorry to hear that you’re going through such a difficult time with your partner. We’re glad you could share this here, as our lovely community will have kindness, advice and understanding for you.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, it can be really difficult and isolating when you provide support for someone else but don't feel that you have the same opportunity to share your own needs and difficulties. Please know that we are always here to talk things through, so please don’t hesitate to give the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors a call on 1300 22 4636 or speak to them on webchat here.  

No one should ever feel that they are responsible for someone else's mental health particularly regarding suicidal thoughts, we can understand how difficult all of these events must’ve been and the level of pressure you must be under. It’s important to remember that you are deserving of respect. If you’re ever at all concerned about how your partner’s behaviour is affecting you, you should reach out to 1800 Respect on 1800 737 732. They’re kind, understanding and non-judgmental, and can talk things through with you any time, either on the phone or in their online chat. 

It may be an option that your partner reaches out to us or lifeline on 13 11 14, especially if they are feeling unsafe. Please know if it is an emergency do not hesitate to contact 000.

It is wonderful that you have been able to reach out for support here on the forums, you never know who might read it and feel less alone in their own experience.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi nurse91

While I imagine you to perhaps be sensitive to a lot of what you feel, I can't help but wonder whether your partner's a bit the same way, although maybe he prefers not to feel too much. While it also sounds like you've managed to master a lot of the different ways in which you feel life, people and challenges etc, I wonder whether your partner hasn't quiet reached the same level of self understanding. For example, you could say to someone 'I'd like you to be nicer to me' to which they question 'What do you mean? How do you want me to be nice or nicer?'. You might say 'I want/need you to lead me to feel a greater sense of ease or peace or relief or joy' (which are very specific feelings). On the other hand, someone else could be asked the same question, to which their response could be 'I don't know. I just want you to be nice or nicer to me'. There's little, if any, detailed instruction. So, with a lot of hard work, greater self understanding and self development/evolution, would you say you've developed a fairly high EQ or emotional intelligence?

When I consider my own relationship with my husband of 21 years, I can have a conversation with him that can involve a degree of questioning, in order to make greater sense of a situation. While, as a sensitive gal, I'm looking to develop a greater sense (getting a better feel for what's going on), he doesn't like to feel or sense 'discomfort'. So, if the conversation goes in the direction of uncomfortable feelings, he'll tend to shut it down. If down into the nitty gritty uncomfortable stuff is where all the answers lie, I'll put my hand up for a deep dive in order to come out with some form of resolution. Of course, it's not pleasant but sometimes it's where we gotta go. At times I can't even sit and wonder with him. Kinda like 'I wonder whether how you feel could be related to this... or that...?'. Often his response will be 'Look, I don't know. I just don't want to talk about it' and sometimes there'll be 'I just want you to be nicer to me'. For myself, I found that being nicer to my husband has involved me having to suppress my sense of wonder, suppress my need for resolution, suppress my need to express certain feelings and suppress my overall deep need to move through and beyond the challenges we face. Me being nicer can involve me having to suppress a lot of stuff. I've found this only last for so long until I develop resentment and/or some degree of depression. Part of that's also based on feeling a sense of separation, with the refusal to work things out together.

Absolutely nothing wrong with going to couples therapy on your own. Sounds strange but it's something I did myself some time back. My husband figured we should be able to work things out our self. I personally learned a lot from it, about myself and about what a healthy relationship involves. It opened my eyes to a lot of the stuff I just couldn't see that was going on in our relationship at the time. Offered a lot of helpful revelations and remains one of the key areas of self understanding and development on my life's journey. If it's an opportunity you'd like to learn from, could be one way to go. With a desire to give your partner certain opportunities, don't lose sight of any opportunities that may be of help to you.

[yggdrasil]

Hi nurse91,

Thanks so much for sharing your story on here and I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time. I agree with everything Sophie_M has said. Except when there is bullying or abuse etc, no one is solely "responsible" for someone else's poor mental health.

One of my previous relationships fell into a pattern similar to what you have described. For me, the immediate solution was to take "breaks", where I would stay at my Dad's place for a few nights, or up to a week, so that we could each have space. 

Perhaps this "break" strategy could also be helpful in your situation? You could suggest you need a weekend apart, and stay with friends or family. You could be honest with your partner about the reason - that you are very concerned your partner views you as a negative influence on his mental health and that he's having suicidal ideation, and that you both need some space to determine how to address this. If you're worried about him being alone, you could suggest that he also stay with friends or family, and that you could call or text each day if he likes. 

I suspect you're already aware of mental health care plans. Have you suggested to your partner that he speak with his GP about where he's at? It sounds like he's defensive about mental health - while this can be frustrating, I understand and relate to his defensiveness instinct. If he previously played the "stabilising" role in your relationship, it may be deeply distressing for him that the roles are now reversing. I know when this happened with me and my partner it was a horrible feeling for me. I went from feeling like a respected leader to a weird loser (of course these feelings were in no way my ex-partner's fault!)

While your partner may be totally different to me, it may be helpful to bear his potentially deep insecurities in mind when talking about these issues, and frame things strategically. E.g.

• You were my rock when I went through my own mental health journey and I know you will be there for me again. I just want you to get the best help possible.
• Seeing a GP who knows about men's health or mental health might help. Seeing the GP doesn't mean you will be taking meds or doing therapies you dont want to do. Just hearing the perspective of a medical professional can be useful. It's all confidential and always your choice how to act on any advice. 

Similarly I suspect a lot of guys find mental health concepts like meditation and mindfulness off-putting. I did for a long time. I think certain sports accomplish similar things, e.g. martial arts and skateboarding - in such sports you have to concentrate and be "mindful" of your body to avoid falling etc. 

Anyway I'm out of characters now, but hope the above is food for thought. Best,

yggdrasil

[Serenity22]

Hi Nurse91, 

Firstly, I see myself in him. When I’m around my mother: a generous, sweet and gentle person essentially, I notice resentment and increased feelings of suicide and worthlessness around her due to our past, and recurring triggers in the present. Like your husband, I’ve gone through some devastating and life changing things the past few years: health, work, housing… but mainly health, pain and a loss of independence and freedom. I can also relate to being in a relationship when my life turned upside down and my partner couldn’t help me but I expected them to. 

I am sorry to hear that he’s said you make him suicidal. That wouldn’t feel nice at all. No wonder you’re reaching out. You are a strong woman for managing what you have in the past, and listening to that! I think he is looking for someone to fix him, to help him. He seems to resent you which is a hard thing to shake when life has dealt you blows. I’m not saying it’s fair he resents you, by any means. He likely has some unresolved pain, perhaps from his mother, but it could be a number of things, including your history. Because he’s struggling, he’s likely irrational because he’s  hurting/had his self esteem damaged/grieving his old life. He is also likely jealous that you have your shit together, so being around you triggers his sense of loss and self esteem. I would advise strongly against speaking to him about the psychology perspective I’m mentioned. 

When we are little, and we are hurt..Mummy is meant to come along and make everything better. He May hold you to an impossible standard. And perhaps like you, I worry that no matter what you do…it won’t be right. I think approaching your situation in a practical and logical way is going to bring the best outcome for you. There are complex emotions, and a history, so trying to untangle that web emotionally is going to be messy. Approach it logically. Like a problem solving exercise. 

The fact you care enough to create a post asking for help shows that you care about him and really want to make changes. He’s lucky that you care.

He’s literally told you what he needs “just be nice”. If you’ve done that until you’re blue in the face, maybe you’ve done everything you can. Only you know how much you can handle. 

BUT….you could give it one last push… A final effort to help him by giving him exactly what he asked for. I.e. compliment the living daylights out of him, snuggle into him, adore him a bit, make him feel amazing. Build his ego softly and sweetly. balance out that dynamic for him so he feels like a hero to you. A woman’s love can be quite powerful. 

In his fragile, hyper sensitive state….approaching with a lot of warmth, encouragement, affection… might really help. 

And I’m sure you know all of this, so for stating the obvious or things you’ve tried, disregard me. I just know men love their lady to be happy, independent, loving and affectionate. It makes them feel successful.. so…if you are giving that to him and it’s still not working….you’re going to have to make that call to leave. Because I don’t think he will. I appreciate he’s not in a good headspace.  And if he’s not treating you with respect, and you’ve honestly given him your all… you’ll need to remove yourself for your own sanity. 

You could give it a date and keep it to yourself “by this time if I haven’t seen a positive change and I’ve done EVERYTHING he asked of me…. I was super nice all the time…. Then I’ll explain to him why I’m leaving” 

if that’s what happens, make sure he has a list of numbers, resources, perhaps buy him a calendar so he has important dates/holidays… write in any appts already scheduled… set him up for success… let him know you’ll still be there for him if he needs you. Much love to you both x