Overthinking myself to death

[Jackbear]

I'm 23. I've had a few relationships fall apart all for various reasons, I've fallen for toxic people who've completely destroyed me and turned off for basically the past 2 years. Recently met a girl, and suddenly felt okay again, all the typical depression bs went away and i was motivated to do things, spend time with her etc. I started seeing a future. Then as it goes (Ain't no fairytale story here boys and girls) she told me she still has feelings for someone else and would like to keep things between us just friends, as if we hadn't already gone way, way past that already.

It's stupid, writing this out and reading it back I sound like an angsty teenager again. I don't know why, I can't figure it out but something, somewhere along the line has turned every single person I've ever been close with away. Friends, family and lovers. I haven't been happy since I was prepubescent, had a really rough rural australian upbringing, overweight and apathetic. I've lost it all, I'm fit and healthy, I have a job and I perform music but I don't care about them. I don't have anyone to talk to, to care for or just hug, every time I've felt loved it's been short and/or destructive. I'm unbelievably lonely and I've gotten really bloody good at hiding it. I don't know why I'm even bothering writing this out, it's just made me face the fact and tear up like a sook.

Im not sure what the point of this whole thing was either. Maybe it's just a journal entry that noone can find and be like "Hey jack remember when you were a little bitch"

[Kazzl]

Hi Jackbear, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry you're hurting and lonely. So much of what we feel about ourselves comes what what we perceive others think about us and rejection is always a cruel blow to our self-esteem.

Sometimes too, we can want something so much we defeat ourselves by trying too hard, or pushing things too soon. I do that, patience is not one of my strong points. I don't know if that's what's happened to you, but could it be that you're focussing too hard on having a relationship? Sorry if I'm wrong there mate.

I'm wondering why you don't care about other things, like performing music? Is it that you're looking for something else, or that you've lost interest in things that used to give you pleasure?

I'm also wondering what's happened in the past, with your family especially, that makes you feel they've rejected you? I'm asking because sometimes we read stuff into situations that are not entirley true. I've had times when, having lost contact with my relatives I've convinced myself they no longer care about me. But once I make the contact again I find that they do.

I think you've identified a problem yourself in your title - overthinking. I'm a rabid overthinker. I convince myself of things only to find out I'm wrong. I analyse too much too and draw conclusions that are wrong.

Guess what I'm saying is try to challenge your thinking. When you draw a conclusion about someone (she/he is rejecting me) challenge it, and think it through from a different angle (she/he likes me but doesn't want what I want. That's not rejection, that's just different needs. There's nothing wrong with me). And try to lessen the severity of your thinking (no one wants me, to I haven't met the right person/people yet).

I hope this helps you Jack. I can see you're a good person and good things will come your way. Don't be hard on yourself and try to find the pleasure in things like your music. What do you play by the way? I'd love to know more.

Kaz

[TheSteve]

Jack,

Thanks for sharing mate. Kaz has given terrific advice - you should really run with this. Challenging your thoughts (which, remember, are not "you" but are fleeting, temporary manifestations that run through our heads and only have the power over us which we give them) is critical, as is monitoring your thoughts and their roots without judgement.

Often times, our unhappiness in life is the "gap" between our reality and our expectations. If we expect a relationship, and get rejected, we have a large unhappiness gap. If we expect nothing, and end up with a relationship, we are often profoundly happy (not to mention we generally end up with the right person as our wanting mind is left on the sidelines). The more we try to force life, the more life pushes back at us. Life is something that simply must be accepted. We must open up to it, good and bad, and take it in our stride. Then, we will find our path.

You should go and speak with someone - a counselor or therapist. Get it all out, and do it often. Get to the root of the urges and desires that are pulling you in this direction. They are all temporary, and they are all reversible. You just need to be consciously aware as to how they got entrenched in your mind, and how they manifest and push/pull you around. Then, you are the master.

All my best to you.

Steve