Out of my depth with depressed spouse

[Cmay]

I’ve always suffered from bouts of depression but have been good at maintaining it throughout my life until now.

My husband of 4 years suffers undiagnosed chronic depression. For the past 2 years he has felt hopeless, immense sadness, sleeps all the time, can’t hold a job despite being qualified in a sought after industry, lost communication with all of his friends , isolated and began hoarding. I tried for a long time to get him to seek help but he refuses to even talk to anyone. It got to the point that he began becoming aggressive and had multiple infidelities. Instead of lifting him out of his depression I began spiralling into it.

I couldn’t cope any longer and made the decision in September of 2020 to move home for awhile where I’ve began to make real progress within myself. I’m only 28 and didn’t want to look back one day and feel regret because I didn’t accomplish any of the hopes and dreams I have.

I still feel love and a real attachment to my husband and we communicate on a daily basis, however he desperately wants me back living in Victoria with him. During the time I’ve been gone he has been kicked out of the house and lives in his car.

I’ve tried to explain that I need to stay where I am right now and try to talk to him but the sadness he expresses down the phone to me is pulling me right back into my depressed state.

He sobs uncontrollably and says he doesn’t know what to do and no one will be able to help, he talks about suicide and often tells me he’s going to do it on this day/night and has no self esteem. He expresses debilitating loneliness and believes he’s too old to make a fresh start (he’s only 40 this year).

I don’t know what to do, I almost feel responsible for him and there’s nothing I can do to help him. When I try he gets angry at me and I’ve resorted to having to tell him he can’t share these emotions with me. I honestly feel like I’m going to have a mental breakdown. I’m way out of my depth.

does anyone have any suggestions on how to help?

[Sophie_M]

Hey there Cmay,

Thank you for your posts on the forums 
Please know that our community is here to listen and work through this difficult time with you. We are very grateful that you have reached out here to talk things through and acknowledge your strength in doing so. It is certainly not easy when we love someone that is struggling with their mental health to the extent that your husband is. I hope that you are taking care of yourself as much as you can and have people in your life you can reach out to. It can take a real toll on us when we are looking after someone else. 
If you are needing a space to talk tonight, please dont hesitate to reach out to our counsellors at Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636. 

If you ever feel like your husband is at risk of suicide please dont hesistate to call 000 or to speak to the crisis team at your local hospital. 

We hope over the next few days you receive some support and wisdom from other members of the forum. Thank you again for sharing this with us.

Warmest Regards,

[Croix]

Dear Cmay~

I'm afraid it has been some time since you posted. I'm glad you met Sophie_M who always has good advice. I can imagine your feelings being out of your depth and trying to get the views of others and not being answered. Sadly the system does not always work as we would like.

Please rest assured it is nothing to do with you, or the subject of your post.

OK, I guess the first thing to say is that it sounds like you made a very wise move in going home and not remaining with you husband, a person who by the sounds of it exhibits many of the more serious symptoms of depression, plus suicidal and anger, as well as being unfaithful.

It sounds even wiser to remain there despite your husband's calls. May I ask if you have a family member or friend you can talk to about this, not someone who offers impractical suggestions to 'fix' things, but simply listens , talks wiht you and cares.

To try to remain in Victoria and live in such circumstances would have placed you under unbearable stress, not knowing what was going to happen, and feeling matters were up to you to sort out. At least when you are away the pressure is not constant, and I'm glad you are starting to feel better.

Sadly nobody can keep another alive all by themselves. It is a job for professionals, combined with some support from those in the person's life IF the are able to do it -plus a spark of determination from the person themselves. For you to take all that burden on is simply appropriate and unrealistic -and dangerous for yourself. You are not a bottomless well of strenght.

As Sophie has already suggested if you beleive your husband is going to be in immediate harm, or may harm others, then dial 000 and explain the situation. It is by far the best solution. Other than that you cannot force him to seek appropriate help. If you would like more advice I'd suggest hte Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who are the for people in situations such as yours trying to look after another.

Ideally your husband might ring them to gain assistance on his own condition.

I regret the delay, and would be glad if you came back and spoke some more.

Croix