ONE BAD DECISION AFTER ANOTHER

[Esc]

I have been struggling with negatives thoughts.  My facade appears approachable and amiable, my persona strong, and I am never without a smile in public.   A people pleaser and generous to a fault.  A lie I've lived with for years, because I felt that's not who I really am underneath my skin nor in my soul.   I recently sold my home. A home that afforded me security and wonderful memories.  I bought a house for which I absolutely regret.  I dislike it immensely and wish not to move in at all.  Finances see me with no other choice but to move in and wait to sell.  Packing has been a nightmare.  Everything appears to be going wrong and I can't catch a break.  Whatever I have been holding inside all these years, as finally reared its ugly head and hit me with both barrels.  I am defeated, lost, regrets fill my waking hours and I dislike myself for being so stupid.   I have tears down my cheeks and regret in my heart as I type.  I feel miserable and oh so lonely. Hitting a brick wall at such a high velocity of hurt and anxiety, has, I believe, finally broken me.  My patience, endurance and willing myself to be strong, are no more.  I churn with emotion inside and shake on the outside.  I cry at a blink of an eye.  I fight to redirect my future for the better, only to receive the slap of defeat and once again feel the pain of remorse.  I've tried booking professional help, but most are booked out weeks in advance.  I am climbing walls, snapping at others, impatient and turning into Mr. Hyde.  I feel so disjointed and even when I do mingle, I get no pleasure as I feel inadequate amongst others.  I've tried walks, self-help, long drives etc., to no avail.  Prayer, reading, music, everything is only a stop gap.  I am a yo-yo of emotions.  Tonight, I have energy to run a marathon, yet my very being is despondent.  I don't like going to the Doctors and even then, they're always fully booked for a week or so.  How does one turn these palpable, tangible, consuming and overwhelming feelings around?  

[Maisy Nina]

I'm really sorry to hear how tough you are finding things. I can totally empathise with everything you have talked about... it's very difficult. I ended up masking my depression, anxiety, apathy, negative self-worth by abusing alcohol for a good 20 years. The last 5 or so years it became completely uncontrollable and in 

May this year I thought I was going to have a complete psychological break-down. I had to quit my job and start seeking more help (had seen psychologists and psychiatrists for over 30 years with no real break-throughs).

Are you relying on any substances to numb yourself? If that is too personal, I understand. In August I spent 13 days as an inpatient in a public medical substance abuse detox unit and with the help of medication and staff, I have now been totally freed from alcohol abuse for 5.5 weeks. Being sober has helped me so much with the mental health issues. I thought I was helping myself by drinking, but it was gradually making things worse. 

I don't know if any of this information is helpful or even relevant to you - but I really hope you are able to find a way through the awful feelings and thoughts. Don't forget there are several helplines and online support services that can be accessed 24/7, without having to wait to see a therapist face to face.

Sending encouragement and blessings your way, I really hope things improve for you asap xo

[therising]

Hi Esc

Whether referred to as breaking point or a breakdown of some sort (whether it be huge, small or somewhere in between), I've found these points in life are times where I've been forced to stop, so as to recognise the lead up to what has finally become intolerable. With every breakdown there is always a lead up. It sounds like you can already see a part of the lead up. I think there can be a point we reach that dictates in one way or another how soul destroying the people pleaser in us can become. I've found there is a positive and negative side to this nature. While the people pleaser in me serves me in not wanting to feel other people's upset or not wanting to feel the feeling of guilt or not wanting to feel judgement for saying 'No' or it pushes me to find outside the square solutions that serve others, the down side is it can stop me from expressing what I feel the need to express at times. It does me a disservice...

If the adventurer in you begs others for adventure and they all say no, instead of expressing 'For goodness sake people, I can feel myself slowly dying here!' the people pleaser chimes in with 'No worries. That's fine. I understand'. If the philosopher or a part of you that loves to wonder about the bigger questions in life poses questions to others and they all say 'Why do you speak s**t?!', instead of saying 'How dare you speak to me like that and how the heck can you live with not opening your mind?' it's more so 'I'm sorry'. Or if the hard worker in you is chastised by management, instead of saying 'I'm working incredibly hard while this place is understaffed and that's not my fault' it's more so 'I'll try harder'. If you can imagine your people pleaser is driving the bus, the adventurer, the philosopher, the hard worker and all those other back seat passengers/aspects that make up you begin to suffer in some way.

Sticking with the bus concept, if you could imagine everyone behind the driver (the people pleaser) starts to get rowdy, what would that sound and look like? Would the child (in you) be sobbing uncontrollably 'No one loves me enough to listen to me'? Would the adventurer be getting angry, 'I JUST CAN'T TOLERATE THIS ANYMORE!!! There has got to be more to life than this'? Maybe the manager (in you) is demanding 'Helping 5 other people while never having enough time for self service has got to stop!'. Again, sticking with the bus analogy, in such a rowdy overwhelming situation, I find there are typically 2 facets of myself that manage such overwhelming times. One is what I call my inner 'intolerant cow' and the other is my inner sage. You could say they're kind of co-drivers. While the cow in me, the most upstanding aspect of me (that serves me) dictates what I need and even deserve from others, the sage will manage how carefully and thoughtfully that's projected. There are times where the cow in me walks to the front of the bus, so to speak, dictates to the people pleaser 'You, get up and go sit down the back and be quiet!', while the sage manages the drive carefully. They become my driving force regarding the way ahead.

Can't help but wonder whether there's a part of you that's trying so hard to be heard at the moment, desperate to become the driving force for the way ahead. Maybe it's the part of you that brought you here.

[Esc]

Thank you therising for your swift and insightful reply.   I heard what you have said, and I can emphasize, having gone and going through similar.  I realise that our perception and experience of a situation varies.  I am not geared for conflict, I would much rather be the "nice one", not to provoke or create a situation I am unable to defend myself from.  Your reply, to me, comes across as that you have indeed an insight to your personal conflicts, and for that I commend you.  Your analogy of what you, I, go through is relatable.  You're amazing for coming this far and gaining a better understanding towards your trigger points and thus develop the skills at taking control or finding avenues to better deal with your situation. Therising, I am tired, numb and overwhelmed.  Always on the verge of tears and even if I do go out and have a wonderful time, the moment my mind is not occupied, is when my anxiety and distress appear.  I don't sleep. I just drove home from a wonderful day out, and as soon as I entered my suburb, I felt sick and had a sense of dread.  I am fighting to move forward from a bad decision made, only to be met with resistance and hurdles, that were put in place by others, and not I.  In other words, I am held back by the actions of others that impact on my life.  Once again I thank you for your generosity of advice and time taken to reach out.  Wishing you all the best and I applaud you for your progress and insightfulness.  Thank you.  

[Esc]

Maisy Nina I thank you for reaching out.  You sound like a fighter and taking back control of your life.  You're amazing and keep up the good work.  I can fully understand why people seek other avenues to dull their pain.  All I can say is that I hurt and it's a very real and the pain is felt within my very being.  It's unshakable and most days, unbearable.  Maisy Nina I wish you all the best.  Keep up the good fight and you are a wonderful individual.  Just knowing there are people out there who care, means the world to me.  Thank you for sharing.  Cheers and take care 

[therising]

Hi Esc

It's so tough, those times where we can be left feeling like some people are here to test us. Even tougher when we're convinced we're failing just about all of the test/s. I give thanks to every teacher/guide I've come across, whether they be in my life, on YouTube, in books or somewhere else.

You are an amazing, conscious and thoughtful person, willing to learn. You are considerate and kind and such things are the truth. I think if we set off in life with the truth, it's a good start. Having a good imagination, I like to kind of see life as...You enter some incredible forest full of possibility. There are lots of paths. Some paths are so poorly lit to the point that the only way you can make your way through is from the light that others hold for you. Other paths are brilliantly lit and full of ease, leading to amazing places along the way. All along the way there are opportunities to collect skills (to throw in your backpack). In some ways the challenge becomes about 'skill collecting'. It's not just about putting stuff into that backpack though. There's some stuff that needs to be taken out too, the kind of stuff that just weighs us down. There might be a whole collection of beliefs in there like 'If I make people happy, I am lovable', 'If I appear this way or that way I am acceptable' and so on. Also, there are amazing things in that pack we may have accessed when we were little but were told to put away, more often than not. A pack full of senses can include a sense of wonder and questioning, a sense of imagination (daydreaming included), a sense of intuition or knowing, a sense of adventure, a sense of self love etc etc. We can be highly sensitive people who have been led to forget about our senses. Somewhere down the track we can begin to come to our senses again, beginning to wonder and question so much, beginning to imagine or daydream about the life we really want, beginning to trust what we feel (perhaps realising that what we feel as depressing is depressing and it's not all in our head), beginning to long for adventure, beginning to question why we don't love our self and so on.

I love those who shed light on all that I carry, what I've been carrying all along (the things that weigh me down and the things that will make all the difference when it comes to the way ahead). I also value the times where we come to walk with each other along certain paths, helping each other make sense of why it feels so incredibly hard to navigate at times. Better to walk hand in hand in the dark together than to take that walk alone. 🙂