Numbness , Not Caring

[Dan-]

Hey everyone , recently it took me a while to finally realise I am depressed . .

I've had a really intense breakup with my girlfriend who was seeing someone else towards the end of the relationship . It hit me like a train I was dating her for 3.5 years and was planning on getting married to her .

What also bothers me is the fact that I confided with this girl , I told her everything about me , even my darkest secrets . And I genuinely loved her and her family which I have never felt in any other relationship.

So relationship is done . Denial . What if she ... No it's over ! How do I move on from this ? How am I supposed to to go solo when I have been planning my life with this person ? To much pressure . My life is spiralling out of control . I'm agitated , angry . At my self , it's my fault I couldn't see it for what it was . My work life is starting to get effected

I was trying really hard to move on , trying to hang out with mates . And get my mind off things . Something wasn't right though . I'm participating in usual fun activities but they aren't doing a thing . Motorbike riding , gym , bushwalking, social gathos. All these things I don't even want to get out of bed for . Because I get no enjoyment out of anything anymore , just numbness .

To make matters worse she is now hanging out with my mates . By herself . These are my friends that she only knew through me . So I feel betrayed by my own mates . Anger . Depression , Numbness . I was sick of feeling nothing .

I started to use alcohol ,getting drunk every weekend . That wasn't enough . Marijuana came into my life , which I am very guilty about. It has actually temporary made me feel awesome. It's great , however it effects my work performance being in a cloudy haze .

So now I'm in a hole because I think I am getting over her and my "friends " but now I have an addiction problem, because whenever I feel too overwhelmed I find it to easy to just smoke up, and forget about real life .

I know something needs to change , I want to feel happy again , I want to be able to enjoy activities again without the need for marijuana or alchohol . I just hope some people can relate

Hope that wasn't too long to read I just needed to vent somewhere

[smallwolf]

Dan,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue. I am saddened to read what you have had to go through recently. I have not been in the exact position as you wrt to marijuana or alchohol but depression I am familiar with. Venting is useful also.

You could also call it journal? One thing that I have learnt in my time as I have been seeing a psychologist, is the power of writing. Yes, write down where it went wrong, or what happened, but see if there are some positives to be found?

You could also try to surround yourself with the right people, of friends and family that love you and maybe some you haven’t seen in a while.

And if you need to ... I could also look into seeing a therapist. There is no shame in admitting that you cannot do it all by yourself, and looking to a professional for help? And they might be able point you in the right direction to overcome your addictions?

In the meantime, let me sit beside you, and listen to your tale, so that you might get to a stage of acceptance, and be able to move on in your life. Wishing you well,

Tim

[lostnotlost84]

Hi Dan,

I can relate to your urge and wishes to feel happy, loved and well again. I'm coming from a situation were my partner left me due to his denial of his depression and lives (similar to your ex girlfriend) a seemingly easier carefree life. We shared a lot of friends and I feel completely isolated by this because they hang out with him like he isn't psychologically screwed at all.

I keep on telling myself that after this crisis (and we all know eventually there will be an end to this!!) we must be stronger and closer to ourselves than ever before. Using substances (legal or not) delays this getting through this shit as you probably know very well yourself. It helps the running away and feeling lost thoughts instead of facing the inevitable. I have been there too. All I can say is, that smallwolf is right with writing your thoughts down and seeing someone professional who deals with those issues daily. But I also want to tell you to have some mercy with yourself. Even though you know that you are not dealing with your situation as you maybe would like to, it is ok to do to the "wrong" things sometimes and to let yourself go. I think it belongs to the whole healing process, so in a way you are doing the "right" thing again. The main thing is to recognize that at some stage you cannot get out of this alone. You have tried everything and tackled the issue from any possible angle, yet still you find yourself back in the place where you don't want to be. This shows that the timing is right to extend your scope of sources to another external level. A professional. It is a logical step to consider, after all what you invested and tried. It's probably time to try something new. And if people all over the country keep on saying the same thing that it actually can make a difference then they can't be that off track about it, right?