Not sure, but it could just be starting...

[Jani]

...I'm not depressed, because I can still wake up in the morning with energy with a purpose in mind. I lost my job almost a year ago, can't find another at the moment, the industry is tough with hundreds of competitions, bills piling up. I'm flatting, I have a teen (young adult) who I've been fully supporting with payments since 2 and my ex can't complain about that, sending extra cash if I can, when I was employed. Since losing my job, I seemed to have lost half of my purpose, the other half being making sure to be always at my teen's side when I'm needed, we bond every weekends, eat out, drive around, play console games, but I feel like it's not enough. I also need a source of finance since driving to see my teen takes petrol (3 hours return) and something to pay for whatever she wants to eat and buy. 

Not sure where's this post going.... I really don't want to hurt my teen nor give out the idea that I'm giving up on life.. My teen is at the critical stage of her life, being confused and all, talking to me and telling me the difficulties of life while ignoring the mum, which makes me think I'm really deeply needed, still. Mum is sickly, she's now based overseas but bedridden, I want to look after her as well, but I'm torn between my teen and my mother. Most nights I always watch videos why I still need to do this, what's the point in all of this, and how it would probably be great not to wake up one day. I don't have friends, my 3 sibilings are all estranged, they have their own issues. I could say it's my teen that's pushing me to get out of bed in the morning, but my day will be mostly spent looking out the window, wondering when this will all end. Sorry for the long post, I just want to get this out of my head, life seems to be meaningless, esp. after dropping off my teen home after a weekend out...

[Croix]

Dear Jani~

i think you sound a lovely caring person and given the hard time life is giving you are doing pretty well - you even started here by offering to try to help others.

Having an ill mother you cannot reach is most upsetting, having siblings who are having troubles and not supporting you, having lost your  job and a daughter you need to support. Each of those is a huge thing in itself, still you keep on going, and if you try to escape though videos that is very understandable.

There are a couple of things that occur to me, the first being how to handle not having a job. This not can not only make you feel powerless and worried, but of course creates financial problems too. It is easy for this to consume most of your tohughts.

Can I suggest you divide your day. Maybe spend every morning writing applications and reading any answers you may get. Then at midday stop, put it all away and do other tihngs not related to it. Not just passively watch movies, but do things that involve action, things you can enjoy, be it a walk in the park or volunteering at the local animal pound. Those are just suggestions -adjust to taste. They can restore purpose as well as be a distraction. Leave videos for the evening.

Wiht your daughter it sounds like all give, and that does drain a person emotionally and financially over time. You mentioned she disclosed her problems to you  -which is great and shows trust and closeness. However bonding is a two way process, maybe she is old enough to listen ot some of your problems and see an opportunity to support you.

You also do not need ot buy everything at this itme, a little food together perhaps (you may even bring it), you have to live too.

A person who copes so well such as yourself (even if you do not think you do) will find things will improve, you will find a job and hopefully your relationship with your daughter will become richer. Perhaps you will also realise you are not the only one who could think of your mum's condition, it is not just on your shoulders.

Do you have anyone in your life to give you support? Just talking can help.

You know you are very welcme here

Croix

[james1]

Hello Jani,

Thanks for posting and talking to us here. You have so many caring responsibilities alongside your own personal and family challenges, it sounds like you could really do with someone to just let all this out to. In effect, someone to support you as you support your family.

From your post, I understand your motivation and energy goes through big cycles as you try to be there for your family, then hit a slump when your teen is off doing her own thing. Those the lows sound especially tough, and can start to drag on your overall mental state. I understand work used to fill that time alone, but I wonder if we can also find an inner curiosity to fuel some more personal satisfaction. Something to help keep your energy and purpose throughout the day, and to bring a little more of the spotlight onto what you need when others are doing their own things.

James

[Jani]

Thank you, but i don't have anyone I can rely on for support. Everyone in my family sees me as the mentally and emotionally strong person that can move mountains.

"maybe she is old enough to listen ot some of your problems and see an opportunity to support you." - I don't want to burden my teen with my issues, I would rather keep them to myself. It gives me relief thinking I'm just passing through, that the suffering will end sooner than later. These days I don't sleep much, there are just tons of things going through my head. Alcohol sometimes help numb the brain...

[Croix]

Dear Jani~

Yes, being the one others look to can be a source of pride and satisfaction and giving your daughter all the things you are able to do shows great love and understanding. She is lucky to have you - and I hope she continues to do so.

When I read what you have written hear I see someone who is trying to do the same things as before without the financial or mental resources. You are not a bottomless well of strenght - nobody is.

So I read you saying "It gives me relief thinking I'm just passing through, that the suffering will end". "it would probably be great not to wake up one day", "What's the point of al this".  That you are not sleeping well, your mind is a whirl of thoughts and you have to reach out to alcohol at times to help you sleep or get though.

On top of that you have no support.

Reading this can you see the situation does have to be altered? You need respite from all the worry and demands. Once you talk of the suffering ending it is a big red flag. Keeping everything to yourself is not a good strategy. I did that for far too long and I ended up with depression and anxiety conditions that were established for so long they were harder to treat (I'm good now).

The fact you wake up ok is not really an indicator of anything, I've done that too.

May I suggest firstly that temporarily you give you daughter less of your time, travel and money for now, I'm sure she will still love you just as much and look to you, though it might be via phone/video than in person.

Secondly get the support you need to see you though. Maybe book an extended consultation wiht your GP and explain all that is happening and ask about counceling. I only managed becuse of this.

James has a good thought in that if you can find something you enjoy because it occupies, pleases, or amuses or distracts you then the let down you feel when you leave your daughter can be less as you have something else to look forward to.

If you would like to let us know how you are going that would be very welcome

Croix

[Jani]

Thank you, Croix. Giving my teen less quality time is not an option. I'm only here in this country for her, so whatever I'm going through, I just tell myself to suck it up. I would like to believe that I'm stronger mentally, so I think I can handle this phase, it's just that honestly it's giving me the pleasure to think that I'm going to die anytime and I actually gave myself the number of years I have left,  so i just need to push through with whatever I have. Sometime I wished I have stage 4 cancer so I can prepare everything before I go, but I know if that's never going to happen, I just have to make the most of what I got.  I'll be alright, I hope. Thanks again.

[Croix]

Dear Jani~

My apologies being slow getting back to you , I had to go away for a while.

Please forgive me if I seem rather blunt, I'm simply trying to relate my own expereince in your terms. You of course may not agree or thing I'm silly or have missed the point.

You did say "Giving my teen less quality time is not an option". May I ask if you are talking hours per week or years in a lifetime?

You have so much to offer, wisdom, guidance, intimacy and love, and for your daughter to receive this throughout her life would be a blessing. You are burning so bright, but that comes at exspense

I used to have a career to which I gave my all, 110%, plus family responsibilities. While it was still going on I would long to be taken ill and pass away. I'd have no control and the  responsibility would no longer be in my hands.

It  is tempting to say I'll just continue for while as this current period has special difficulties. As I've learned there will always be difficulties of one sort or another as well as god times and you devalue yourself if you do not feel you could help then as well as now.

Saying I only need to last a short number of years is really the same thing put another way.

In the end I had no choice, became very ill and physically and mentally could ot continue.

As time has gone on I'm now at a place of balance, giving and receiving love and support and taking care of my own welfare. It's not been all the easy but I've had -and still have - excellent professional help.

I'm still here to give the support others need -and enjoy the good times with them - and do not want matters to end, I'm content with what I can do.

Please do not think I'm being critical of you, you are a lovely mum, I simply do not want you to fall into the same trap I did

Croix