The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life where you're feeling challenges at such a soulful and heartfelt level or soul destroying and heart breaking level. ❤️
I'm a big believer in the idea that when the soul begins to call for that which fuels it, it also demands a level of self reflection that can definitely torment us in a whole number of ways. While it may call for change, it challenges us to list many of the things that need to change. In other words, there comes a wake up call and a list that can lead us to be so self critical in such brutal ways.
I can recall, by the way, a few years back where something said to me 'Look up the word pathetic', so I did. I really was quite surprised by its original meaning yet it made sense when you consider the words empathetic and sympathetic. 'Pathetic' originates from the Greek word 'Pathos', meaning 'suffering' or 'emotion', leading to the Greek word 'Pathetikos' (capable of feeling/emotion). From French/Latin it originally meant 'moving to emotion' or 'sensitive'. Words can have such power which is why I like to use them carefully and thoughtfully. While people tend to use the word 'sensitive' in a somewhat insulting way, I much prefer to define it as 'the ability to sense'. How we choose to define words, beyond how the dictionary does or other people do, is what matters most. At this incredibly challenging time in your life try considering sensitivity to be a natural ability. If you're super sensitive you then have a super natural ability. You can then start to wonder about the insensitive people around you who aren't so supernatural. Maybe one of the reasons you love helping out at daycare could involve the fact that little kids are incredibly natural and sensitive people. You just gotta love 'em. There's something special to be shared there, a connection to be made. Kids have so much to teach us about the abilities we need to re-member/put back together.
Don't worry too much about what other people think or how they judge you. I know, easier said than done. People who judge you for not working have an obviously twisted or distorted perception. You're working to bring joy to kids, working to serve the community, working on various forms of self development through study and research, working to keep your home base clean, currently working on developing a greater degree of self understanding and the list goes on. I bet you're also working hard on tolerating certain people and their mindsets and behaviours. Based on my own experience, that last one can be intensely hard work at times. Some people really are hard work, that's for sure. If only they could sense in all the ways we need them to.
As our ability to sense begins to develop more (no matter what age we are), we can begin to sense what can feel soul destroying, intolerable, joyful, inspiring, exciting, depressing, stressful and more. It's not our fault we can sense or feel such things. Our ability to sense or feel demands we become masters of it, otherwise suffer through it. As a 55yo gal, I'm far from being a master but am working hard on becoming one 😊. Better late than never, hey.
