New user, feeling overwhelmingly depressed

[rusticgreen]

hi, I am new to the forum, I actually came across it when I typed into google 'why do i hate myself so much'

I'm the crankiest mum and wife, I despise that about myself at the moment... I want to be happy and loving again.

I sometimes believe I sound like my father who would constantly put me down and would yell and scream at us as kids, because he was so anxious we would get the blame for all sorts of things, I sound exactly like that, then when I calm down, nice mum appears for 10 minutes because I feel terribly guilty for my kids, then sad stroppy me appears again.

I'm always in tears when no one is around I am depressed yet again, but I feel I have anxiety more so this time around. I really don't want to resort to medication as the first time was horrendous. 

I know what I can do to help I.e a walk a day, healthy eating, friendships, but do not have the care or energy to do this. Sorry for the sad long post. 

[Jacko777]

Hi rusticgreen,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. I was sad to read your post and I reckon you can feel better, many on this site would relate to the things you are saying.

It makes sense that we carry on a lot of traits from our parents. The question is, do these traits reflect what we expect of ourselves? If we look at your Dad, we can have compassion for the man that couldn't cope with anxiety as he tried to be a good parent. You can find compassion for the part of your self that was sad for being put down and yelled at. It takes time and practice but we can change the way we to respond to life, even if it is deeply ingrained by the ones we love. This 'cranky' part of you, perhaps it is this bit that has gone unchecked. A professional counselor could help you a lot with this.

Meditation has helped me a lot to train my brain to focus. In the moment we can attempt to focus on the positive, choose to respond to life as we expect of our true loving self. I take responsibility for choosing the right path for me in each moment, I try to be aware that I am making a choice, I try not to react out of a conditioned mind.

You say you know what you can do to help, walking, diet, friendships, well you are lucky, you have small steps you can take each day that are going to make you happier and be a better mum and wife, yes you might have to dig deep to find the care and/or the energy but it is worth it, you can be happy and loving again.

Talk any time.

Jack

[Neil_1]

Hi there rustic green

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post, AND no way should you have to apologise for your post because that’s one of the beauties about what this site is all about – people can come here and feel relaxed and safe in the knowledge that they can post ‘whatever’ and unload;  and it’s a safe, friendly and non-judgemental environment.

May I ask whether you have support at home with looking after the kids?    As a result of this, do you find that you can snare any of your own ‘down-time’ – just for you?  I’m guessing not, due to what you’ve written.  So IS there an opportunity for perhaps your husband to assist with things so you’re able to not be the full time sole provider and carer?

The other thing you mentioned about not wanting to resort to medication – due to past bad experiences and that’s always the thing – whether we have a bad experience with meds or you eat a lousy orange – it puts you off.  Well it does for me with oranges – but eventually I’ll try another one and you know, it’s pretty often juicy and sweet the next time you try.

So with that, I’d be definitely trying to try seeking out professional support again – especially mentioning to your gp of your previous experience because there are so many meds on the scene now and they’re predominately all different and so what might be bad side effects with one, might not be the case with another.  The trouble with this is, it is trial and error, but if you can find one that agrees with you, then the help it does provide is good – but really only when done in conjunction with other measures put in place.

I do hope I’ve said something of use to you and would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[Wah]

Hello Rustic Green

I too am new to the forums. I am also a mum and have a long history of depression, and am currently in an acute phase and fiddling with medication. My first diagnosed episode was before my first child was born(now 16). My mum was an "anxious worrier" and yelled a lot and hit us a lot as discipline. I accept there is a predisposition or temperament component to depression.  I had post natal depression that rolled on. I found it hard being a parent and the days long.I have done a lot of yelling-at points when my children were little I think they were scared of me and my unpredictability. I did not have a lot of support. I did find it helpful to remove myself from the room if I felt like blowing. I identified I had certain triggers-I am not good with excess noise, messy, chaotic environments. I tried to work out ways to avoid escalating fights with the kids. I too had some rough experiences with medication. I worked out I had to increase doses very slowly.  I have found in general they do help. It can take 2 months. It may give you just enough oomph to take a walk or see a friend. Make sure you have a good doctor. I found I had to take sleep meds sometimes to keep me functional.

Don't punish yourself for what you cant do at present. Cooking a family meal is an enormous task when you feel crappy. I had a few simple, easy things we ate a lot! If you feel a bit better later at night cook then. I have always found mornings difficult. Sometimes I would drop the kids lunches off mid morning.

Each time I have relapsed I have been able to identify triggers.  I am a problem solving, logical type person, so if there is an issue and I don't have a clear plan I get stressed. I can feel myself sliding and I sometimes do the depression test as a concrete way of showing myself I need help. Do you have a sense of there being certain external things worrying you at  present? Money? Relationship? etc?

I am learning to try and identify what makes me anxious and strung out. However you may find your thinking is just not clear enough to think rationally. It may be helpful to see a psychologist if you can, to have an opportunity to let it all out and let them sort through it with you. I found it helpful to have that person help take it from a chaotic mess in my head to something I could work with.

I hope this helps. Take care of yourself and remember you are not mad or bad, just struggling with an illness.

Wah(A nickname my son gave me)

[rusticgreen]

Thank you so much for your insight, although i am now reading this 2 years later it is very helpful. I hope you are well.

[rusticgreen]

Thank you

[rusticgreen]

Thank you