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[KirstC]

Hi I'm currently going through another major depressive episode, haven't had one for years but a spiteful ex ( it was him that caused the previous episodes) and chronic pain have put me back in the hole again.

I consider myself a nice person, I am considerate and have compassion for others. To have someone who hates me so much that he wants to ruin my life takes my breath away. I can't conceive how anyone could treat anyone else in such a way, even if they were an enemy. Particularly when that person knows my medical issues and carries on regardless.

The ex and I have two children and we share 50-50 care. He is using the child support agency to extract money from me ($900 per month) even though I pay 2 to 1 for all the kids costs and I don't work (I'm a PhD student on a stipend ~$1800 a month). He says I left work to get out of paying him which is rubbish. I have medical and psychologist reports to back me up but the CSA just hear his side. They also took $5k out of my tax return and gave it to him because of a computer error, they apologized but won't give me my money back and he refused to return it. I have some hefty medical bills so I have had to apply to the federal court to try to get the money back and to stop them taking more money. I have to do it myself as I can't afford legal representation. I'm very lucky I have a supportive husband who has a law degree. I can't think what it would be like to battle the CSA & a nasty ex without resources.

Needless to say my research is really suffering. I feel pretty awful right now.

[Zoe__lt_3]

Wow KirstC,

I'm not sure where to begin, and I'm not sure how I can help other than to say that you have every right to move on and enjoy your life just as much as anyone else. It's amazing what goes on in the CSA and I can't imagine how hard that must be to deal with, let alone with mounting bills and computer errors...

I'm no lawyer, but maybe you could take a short break from the fight, distract yourself with something else if possible and get a small 'mental break'? Then once you're feeling more up to it, go to court and stick it right up 'em! It sounds like your ex and the CSA have it coming!

Good luck, don't try and do it all - let your hubby help out if he can and share the load. Don't give up on your degree either - that's like giving up on yourself and letting the buggers win.

*Hugs*

Zoe x

[Birdman]

plutonic hugs back. (as you are married)

I do not know what it would be like in your situation, I have never been married nor do I have any children.

I am glad you have a supportive husband as I think having someone close who supports you no matter what is important.

If you can manage it, do what you plan as it may help taking one thing off your plate. But as Zoe has said your health is more important than money.
 

As I said to both the doctor and the psychologist when they ask if I had suicidal thoughts, I said yes but I would never let them win and get my money.

Good luck

[geoff]

dear KirstC, this whole situation seems to a real mess, I'm not up the legalities, but it appears as though the circumstances have changed all for the worst for you.

I just wonder whether you can change your bank account where the money is firstly deposited into, so that any monies paid to him, he won't receive, as the bank will be dry, maybe this will force you to go to court.

Remember David and Goliath, nothing is impossible, and perhaps your husband has some lawyer friends who are knowledgeable in this area and can take up the challenge, as this needs to be done. L Geoff. x

[KirstC]

Thanks Zoe for your lovely reply. My husband is taking on all the submissions to the CSA which is wonderful . I'm so lucky to have him in my life.

you are right, distractions work well. It's just hard to find the right one. Riding my horse helps although with this weather and my arthritis, it's not often I'm able to. My physio said I need to stop riding for the time being until my current bout of inflammation settles. Having chronic pain does not help.

I'm planning on having a day full of doing small jobs to keep me busy.

Thanks Geoff, your your reply and suggestion. The CSA can't get at my back account at the moment (it's in joint names) but the problem is they are keeping my $5k in case the objection I lodged goes against me and I have a debt. I told them that they are prejudicing the outcome but they ignored that. I really need the money as my private health fund has stopped paying for my physio which is $140 per week. We are currently borrowing money from our mortgage to pay for my medical costs. It's a heavy burden for my husband to bear. If they find I have ongoing payments the debt will sit there until I earn any money and then will just take everything I earn. The system is totally stuffed. There is a partite teary inquiry into the child support system and I hope some sense comes out of it. My kids also have told their dad they want to live with me full time but they have to tread really carefully as he will get pretty angry.

[AGrace]

Hi KirstC,

It certainly does sound like a pretty messy situation. I'm sorry that it seems you keep encountering these brick walls.

I wanted to know how old your children are? Are they old enough to have a say in court about who they live with?

I'm trying to work out how the CSA is trying to take more money from you in addition to the child costs you already pay? If you have 50/50 share of the children then you should only need to pay 5-/5- costs. Have you tried making a complaint to the dept of human services or the commonwealth ombudsmen about the actions of the CSA?

Do you still have contact with your ex? I would definitely put a stop to this. The less he is able to communicate with you the less you have to deal with his nasty manner.

In terms of work, are you able to do some part time work at the moment? Are you able to put your PHd on hold for a while until you have sorted you personal issues? It sounds like it would be difficult concentrating on this at the moment anyway?

Regarding the physio, I know a lot of health funds offer physio cover, then sports massage, and then holistic therapies. and chiropractic as separate items, Are you able to engage in some of the other services until your year rolls over again with your health fund?

Is the chronic pain related to the arthritis, or did you sustain an injury? If you're unable to ride much, have you considered swimming instead?

I guess in terms of the distraction there needs to be a balance in the tasks you use to distract, A day of cleaning is a good idea, but then the following day you would want to do something pleasurable and pampering.

I know you mentioned they don't want to stay with your husband, despite this, how are your children coping with the current situation?

Are you still seeing a Psychologist yourself?

Your husband sounds wonderful, I'm glad you have his support.

AGrace

[TheSteve]

HI KirstC,

The crew above have offered some wonderful advice. I can't add to this, but the one thing I've observed which will clearly work in your favor is the fact that you have a very strong foundation and support around you in your family. This naturally makes you better prepared for this adversity, which sometimes takes a while to get past.

Your life if clearly better structured to weather this storm and get past it, than your ex's seems to be. I wish you the best, this too shall pass.

Steve

[KirstC]

Thanks AGrace for your supportive response.

I am seeing a psychologist at the uni, she is free which is great 🙂 I've been getting massage but unfortunately it's made my condition worse. I've been told that I need to build up muscles to support the joint; the degeneration will still happen but more slowly if I do that. Not sure that other practitioners would be helpful. They haven't helped in the past.

My kids are 15 & 17 and we never got the orders changed from when they were living with me full time. All they have to do is say we are going back to the orders but they are a little scared of doing that. He's very controlling.

 The CSA are saying I left work to get out of paying child support and their punishment is for me to pay $900 per month. They don't care that the money doesn't get spent on the kids. They just follow procedures which are ridiculous. 

The ex told me he hasn't paid for my sons sport fees ($235) today. I am so tired of constantly being the victim that I lashed out and sent him a nasty email & text messages telling him to give back the money he's stolen. I just kept pressing send on for the text message over and over. I know it's childish but I'm so bloody tired of being trodden on.