My weight is pulling me back into a bad state of mind.

[Guest9870]

I was diagnosed with major depression at 14 as a result of traumatic childhood. Diagnosed with anxiety at 16. And adjustment disorder at 17. I had a serious suicide attempt this time last year. I have come a bit far mentally since then but there is one thing pulling me down. My weight and self image. I have moved into my own place recently as I turned 18 this year. I hate waking up because I’m my bedroom there is a huge mirrored wardrobe. I accidentally look at it every morning and that’s when it starts. I literally speak and say “oh my god look at you you piece of shit” and so on as I walk out my room. I don’t even think about how bad I’m being physically saying those things to myself it’s like a routine. If I sit on the couch and am wearing Pajama shorts and see my legs I have to cover them with a pillow so I don’t see them or I get angry (I would never wear proper shorts or dresses or skirts outside of my house I wouldn’t even wear anything that shows below my elbow) I could make plans with a friend to even simply go to a cafe but I can’t because I can’t find anything to wear and I can’t wear my sport leggings and a big baggy shirt to a nice cafe. So I cancel and it spirals from there everyday I tell myself tomorrow you’re eating healthy and exercising . Does it ever happen? Of course it doesn’t instead I sleep all day and cry about how much I hate myself without doing anything about it then I’ll get over it for a few days and the process repeats . But the other night was the last straw. I went to a club for the first time with my two friends I wore a skirt boots and a baggy kinda top I thought I looked acceptable. I am not one who cares so much about boys of course because I know I’m not worth anything no one would even glance at me. But when you see your friends being danced with all night with boys and being looked at by them and when you’re trying to dance with your friends a group forms with them and boys and you’re pushed out you can’t help but go buy a shot and a drink at the bar to get drunker to help get the feeling away of so much worthlessness and self hate that you want to go to the bathroom and scream and cry about how much you wish you were dead. But we went home I didn’t speak as they were talking about the boys who wanted them. And since then (2 days ago) I am back to my very depressed suicidal self from last year how can I lose weight I can’t live in this body anymore but I can’t change please tell me what to do please

[Guest6274]

Hi BrittneyL2

I too have had a lot of trouble with my weight because of the medications I take. Earlier this year I was very down about it because I used to be thinner and very active. I would try to lose weight but had trouble making it work and staying positive. I ended up going to see a new GP for a different problem and he started to help and support me to lose weight. Now I have a long way to go but I have lost some weight and I feel much better and healthier and more positive. I really enjoy exercise now, though I don’t over do it or expect too much because then it isn’t enjoyable.

cheers ThinkAlot

[Guest9870]

That’s good you should be very proud of yourself . I hope to be in the same positive situation as you soon

[NotYetEffulgent]

Hi BrittneyL2,

As a teen, I had a heart condition which required medication, only the med resulted in me packing on the kilos. I was lucky enough to get a growth spurt late in my teens and combined with an insane iron will for exercising like crazy, was able to claw myself back to a healthy weight. Keeping the weight off though has been a constant battle since adulting. Becoming a car owner and being able to access takeways 24/7, has almost in and of itself been a worth while excuse to sell the car.

Mindfulness and small goals are 2 things I find are working for me now. Rather than say to myself I’m only going to eat salads this week, it’s easier to say I’m going to cut out the icecream after dinner. By adding incremental steps over a long period of time, I find it easier to make lasting change. You then gotta add mindfulness in order to cement the changes. If you replace the icecream for chocolate this is not a mindful change, but an orange could be. Better yet is to be satisfied by your main meal and mindfully reflect on whether desert is even warranted. Something my physiologist had me do was leave the kitchen and reflect on whether my body really needed food. By being aware, we’re not just trying to satisfy hunger, but satisfy the mind. It was helpful for me to approach it as a lifestyle change. Gotta arouse the inner chef and find exercise companions. I found fitness happened so much easier when I took dance classes or joined a walking group, than went at it alone.

For myself, I find there are many attributes other than physical appearance which can be highly attractive. Seems to me from your post, that you’ve had the courage despite the anxiety surrounding your weight, to go out and try to socialise at a club. My ex and I would never have met if neither of us had the courage to go out. My ex was quiet overweight, I’ve never once found myself questioning whether I was attracted to her. Universe only knows if she turned up, I would take her back even if she had doubled her weight, her caring nature and easy going attitude melted me. Appearance is something that one can grow to like, play to your other strengths. Things to consider maybe? Were any of those boys with fitness issues also? Could it be the club environment which is not connecting you to those that would see you as attractive? I’ve always found the ‘party scene’ to be something of a popularity contest, and I’ve learnt that I’ll find people more of my own liking elsewhere.

NotYetEffulgent

[Guest9870]

You’re so right in all you’ve said

I’ve taken on board and I’m going to keep in my mind everything you have told me. I don’t want to be dramatic but you’ve given me some sort of realisation to things I was blind to before. Thankyou so so much

[quirkywords]

Brittney,

I wanted to welcome you to the forum. As you can see this place is full of kind and supportive people.

NotYetEffulgent thanks for using your first post to help Brittney and many others reading who can real to what to wrote. You gave a very supportive and helpful response.

It is so true that there are many other attributes other than physical attributes that are attractive. Sometimes in our society we place so much emphasis on youth and and a narrow definition of beauty.

Brittney Have you noticed how the more you get to know and like someone the more they appear attractive and the opposite is true. Sometimes a person who seems very attractive becomes less so if they are mean and deceitful.

I am so glad that you found Advice here thatnothers have posted to be helpful and supportive.

Feel free to post here as much as you want to.

Quirky

,

[NotYetEffulgent]

#BrittneyL2, I'm glad and humbled you found anything I said useful. I hope you find yourself a successful healthy path forward.

What Quirky has said about the way we view those we have a certain emotional disposition to, rings so true for me as well.

#Quirky, thanks for the encouragement, I'll eventually get to sharing my own story, though it might be in drips and drabs.

[Guest9870]

Thankyou very much

I feel like I just have so much to whinge and cry about to you guys but I won’t let myself

[monkey_magic]

Hi BrittneyL2,

It really is all about perspective. I'd choose a persons soul over their looks anyday.

I do however can't help but feel for what u r going through. And I love notyeteffulgents posts. I'm a larger woman, I haven't always been but I have found that u do live a different life larger- ppl can treat you differently. I really hope u r OK & u find peace within to accept your flaws. It sounds like you are being critical and hard on you when u deserve to treat yourself like your best friend.

Small goals r the trick. Please stop beating yourself up if you are all this is changeable!

If I could I'd go for walks with you.

We have got this in the bag. I think u should find a professional whether it's a personal trainer/ nutritionist etc and turn ur dream into a reality.

Good luck.

MMx

[IsaJett]

Hi brittney

welcome to this post ..I was touched by your post and I feel that you must first and foremost be kind to yourself . I also a lot of times say ,,I’m gonna eat healthy ...I’m gonna do this or that etc ...but then I don’t pull through ..and I just spiral out . I have instead learned to set really small goal posts ...tiny steps ...what I would definitely manage ...like ..maybe drink one glass of water ...instead of coffee......have one cookie instead of two ...like just small easily achieveable stuff ...and then work upwards ...what is useful is training your mind and your body that these things are doable and then it slowly be ingrained into your brain ,,

it’s like learning to walk again ...and then it becomes second nature ...but small manageable steps ..and u will get to the end point ...just with a little patient and a lot more kindness to yourself .

Trust yourself that you will be able to do it ,,,it’s more fun that way ...little goals ...and remember to really celebrate your little victories as they will all add up ...and it has a cumulative effect ...let us know how u get on with it .

I actually really liked hot yoga and wondered if something like that be a viable option for you . It’s actaully really fun and it works on both your mind and body . Nobody judges in a yoga session as everyone is there for their own peace of mind and it can be really beneficial as it teaches you grounding and mindfulness techniques as well ...most places have cheap introductory offer I would highly recommend it

keep well ...hope these tips help you

keep us posted