My story (Any advice would be appreciated)

RW89 · ‎31-01-2020

Hi all,

I’m new here, nice to meet everyone.

I figured I’d come here to lay out my thoughts and story as my anxiety and depression has been plaguing me for years and in the past two years, it has affected a lot quite directly. I don’t even know where to start because there’s a lot but I’ll do the best I can. Basically, one of the main factors of this is I’m 31 - for pretty much all of my twenties, I’ve avoided committing to long term relationships for having been hurt in the past and through fear of not being good enough for someone. For a number of factors. I’ve always generally had some kind of anxiety - I’m very much an introverted extrovert. I have a lot of friends but I’m still somewhat quiet and different from some of my peers and especially my immediate family. Although, I feel like I seem to have inherited anxiety from my parents - my Mum is not the most confident and my Dad is depressed and just not the same kind of person since having been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis 18 years ago. There’s things I hate about myself - I’m 31 and I don’t have a full driving license which some people think is weird/pathetic. A bit of a trivial thing but it matters to me. I’m actually so afraid of not doing something correctly on the road that I’ve had panic attacks on the road during tests and lessons and have spent so much money on this only to fail over and over again. I’m not from a lucrative background - for lack of a better term, my family are quite poor and for a while I was basically the breadwinner as I was the only one in the family with a job. Hence once of the reasons why I still can’t drive because I could never afford it until later in life (which doesn’t matter anyway as I keep failing).

anders · ‎31-01-2020

I would recommend trying a different instructor. I only started driving now at the age of 34 and have tried four different instructors until I found one who gave me less panic attacks.

black_rose · ‎01-02-2020

I can't offer much help. But I'd just to say a driving instructor you feel comfortable with is key. It helps to calm the mind. One instructor I had was, for lack of a better word, a pig. My driving ability plummeted, the first thing I did was get a new instructor, he was amazing, made me feel comfortable and confident, and helped with the added anxiety on test day.

RW89 · ‎03-02-2020

Having entered my thirties I’ve begun to naturally take stock of my life. This happens. All of my friends are getting mortgages, buying property, having children and going on nice, expensive holidays. I’m broke, on my own, and in debt, depressed and struggling with anxiety. I’m thinking one of the reasons for this is this - after I left school, I wanted to be a vet and study animal science. However I soon changed my mind - I’m a very artistic and creative person, have always been good at music and so I decided to study advanced music technology at college and then I moved on to study for a degree in music production at University. The idea of creating something that outlasted me was something I couldn’t ignore. It was exciting to me. I decided to work harder and undertake internships in my own personal time around studies to put myself in good stead for a job upon graduation. It kind of worked - I worked for a couple of record labels after graduation and then as a music editor for four years up until the middle of last year. For a short while I was happy - I was working in a very creative industry and made good friends. However, I wasn’t earning very much at all - not enough to socialise with my friends when they went out and about and not enough to afford everything I needed to make my own music which is what I really wanted to do (I was also afraid of making my own music through fear of how it would be received).

So for a while I passed the time playing guitar and stuff for other people’s bands. I’ve finally released some of my own music in the past year and I’m in the process of writing more and putting together a band for it - but it’s taken so long, now I’m older is anyone going to care? And is it a bit pathetic that when everyone else my age is settling down and looking to the future realistically, I’m still obsessively trying to make music and express myself through music and obsessed with this decade long dream of making and performing music around the world as a career? Since turning 30, I’ve begun to think that maybe I made the wrong career decision? I chose to study and work in an industry which quite obviously isn’t guaranteed to be financially stable; I’ve struggled financially with it for as long as I can remember while everyone around me seems comfortable. And due to this, it’s prevented me from doing the things that would make me happy.

RW89 · ‎03-02-2020

As aforementioned, the relationship thing is one of the biggest things. Throughout my twenties, there have been numerous people that have wanted to pursue something serious with me but I’ve always stupidly declined and settled for something casual through fear of not being good enough for them; not earning enough to spoil or treat them or potentially settle down with them. And I felt the only thing going for me was my dream of being successful in music. I had to make myself happy there first and express my ideas and try and succeed before I ever committed to someone else and was comfortable enough to be sure I could make them happy too. And then something big happened. In early 2016, I met a girl from Australia. I couldn’t believe my luck - she was exactly my type - beautiful, intelligent and successful. We remained in touch over the year and then she came to the U.K. later that year and we spent time together. She fell in love with me and expressed interest in maintaining a long- distance relationship, even though she had never wanted one before. I obviously had feelings for her too. But I still couldn’t believe it. How could I ever do that considering I wasn’t equal to her? Her family was highly successful and academic - her Dad is an award winning high school principal. And her Mum is a psychologist. And the girl in question was studying a masters in law whilst working as a fashion model. I, on the other hand, am a musician with constant financial trouble, working in an industry that isn’t guaranteed to be financially stable and my parents are living on disability benefits, don’t own their own home anymore and I’ve occasionally had to cover their bills. How could someone like me ever make her happy?

anders · ‎04-02-2020

Hi RW89,

The first advice I can give is to stop comparing yourself with other people. Everyone is living their own lives differently and everyone has their own issues, so you should try to avoid comparing.

Second - not everyone who has a stable job is happy. Its not always greener on the other side. I had a senior role doing the same job I did for 10years, and I just got bored, so I decided to study again (full-time mind you). So yes, I gave up my full time stable job because I didn't have the passion anymore. So I reckon its good that you followed your passion, and if it doesn't work, then at least you know and won't have that regret of not trying.

Third - This girl chose you for a reason. She knew of your financial situation, your current status, and still chose you. You must be doing something right and making her happy. And let me tell you from all the failed relationships I have had, happiness can't be bought. Its not always about money or having the highest paid job - just being yourself and being happy matters more.