My loved ones will never recover

[MignightBlue]

Hi everyone,

I’ve had some mental health issues for a while. In high school I used to self harm and was close to suicide. I’m 42 and still want to die. Things are really bad this year and I am so close with going through with it but my partner and mother are the only things keeping me alive. I know my death would ruin their lives. They wouldn’t get over it. I feel though I’m sacrificing my “freedom” and putting them before me.
Yesterday I was so close to doing it. Next week I find out if I still have a job but at this stage, I really don’t care. I‘ve done the best with my life but it’s time to go. In a previous attempt my note said I love them and to get over it (only my partner knows about that attempt) but I feel like I want to tell them what I feel before I go as a courtesy and to say I love them.

I can’t ask them for help either, it’ll hurt them so I just feel even worse. Yesterday I wanted someone to take me to some mental health unit so they will understand my problems and it won’t come as a shock.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this, here on the couch crying and what this will accomplish. Once they die or If we become estranged I’ll definitely do it but life is such a struggle and I’m ready to hang up my boots. There will become a point however when I can no longer place their happiness above mine. It will be sad but I just wasn’t meant to live this life.

FYI, I have tried therapy, medication, etc but nothing works. One day it will get so bad I’ll have to go ahead but to hurt them like that is so cruel.

I am just lost, confused and unhappy.

sorry, I think I just needed to write this down rather than ask for help as I’m beyond that.

MC

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear MidnightBlue,

Thank you so much for the update on how your feeling, I am really sorry that your struggling so hard again...You have been their before lovely MidnightBlue..and you pulled yourself up, I am hoping again that you have that same strength to do it again....

Its really nice to hear, even though your parents are upset about your mental health that they are their for you with their love and care and trying to help you the best they can....also your workplace being supportive is great..

I am so proud of you for reaching out to a therapist to help you get through this...Thats a really good first step along with your meds to help you towards wellness...

I like Sophie’s great suggestions to speaking over the phone or on web chat to one of our lovely trained counsellors to see you through until your appointment..I would like to gently urge you to use our services as they do help us when we talk things through with them...

if the weather is nice where you live, maybe a nice walk or just a nice peaceful place to sit outside, to do some mindfulness or meditation to calm your thoughts down...

Doing mindfulness is very calming if you can look around and find 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you smell and 1 thing you can taste....

Here for you dear MidnightBlue, whenever you feel up to talking..Please try to keep telling yourself that this will pass, and better days are ahead tomorrow...

My kindest thoughts with care..

Grandy..