My logical brain

[Hal9000]

Hi

I have come to the logical conclusion that nothing I do is worthwhile or meaningful.

I have not come this point lightly. I think though decisions and ideas carefully to make the most informed and well reasoned conclusions that I can. Unfortunately, emotionally, I am not happy with this conclusion, but I know it to be true.

It literally does not matter if I go to work or not. None of my other interests make me happy, anyone else happy, or have any impact on the world at all. My wife and kids are always upset and arguing no matter what I do or don't do. I have no significant friendships where we have an impact on each other's lives. I feel like I could disappear and no one would have the time or interest to care.

 I have tried a number of hobbies and pass times. The have travelled with my wife and alone. I have changed careers. I have moved locations. I have had an extended break from work to see if I could find answers. Nothing has worked.

I literally enjoy nothing and find reasons not to do everything. My nihilistic viewpoint has been reinforced and reconfirmed time and time again. The end point of every line of thought is that there is no point. I don't want to die, but I see no reason to live. 

 My first post to a forum like this, so wasn't sure what to write and what to expect.

 Why do you get up in the morning and why does it even matter?

[geoff]

dear Hal, I can hear you loud and clear, because what you are saying happens to those who are deep in depression, and
that's what you seem to be, as I'm not qualified to diagnose, only a doctor can do this, however after having this
illness for such a long time it's reasonable for us to have the ability to say whether you have or whether you haven't.
To have these thoughts that there is nothing 'worthwhile or meaningful in our life' are feelings of being negative,
which is certainly a prerequisite of depression.
The daily struggle that we have to endue 24/7 makes us incapable of us wanting to do anything, let alone achieving
or applying ourselves to any task, and unfortunately those who have never had to go through depression never understand.
They just want us or tell us to 'get over it, grow up or act your age' all of which are impossible for us to ever consider
so our acceptance is denied by our family, friends or work mates, which then can deepen our depression and excludes us
aside.
My greatest concern is that you haven't mentioned seeing any doctor and the possibility of taking any medication, which
I feel as though you should be doing.
Ask your doctor about the 'mental health plan' where you are entitled to 10 free psychologist visits which you can claim
once a year, and under special cicumstances I think that this could be extended but your doctor will know.
I hope that you can get back to us. Geoff.

[Mike_101]

Hi Hal9000 nice name - It's quite appropriate for a forum on depression 😉

I don't really think your mind is going, but you do sound a little down in the dumps. Finding hobbies and things to occupy your time is hard for everyone. In some sense your nihilistic viewpoint isn't all that wrong in as much as we try to strive to have an impact on people and the world around us but 9 times out of 10 we don't really change much. For instance this reply to your post - chances are it wont have an affect on your life, or change anything in particular but I'm writing it anyway . Why, just because of the slight possibility that it will have an affect.

You can try and stop your family arguing, 9 times out of 10 it wont work, but that one time it does makes it worth while for the other 9 times it didn't work - even thou during those 9 failed times we wonder why we bother. But the point is we're not all Arthur C Clarkes, Aristotles or Rosa Parks - we're all just here because our parents reproduced and we're the ones that have to decide what to do in our lives. Unfortunately sometimes we hit a snag and wonder what it's all for.

You seem to have a sense of humor and clear writing ability - thought of becoming an author? Have you got any pets? Dogs don't usually argue with their owners and it can be a good reason to get up in the morning - take it for a walk or just stare at it and wonder why it gets up in the morning - im sure it will appreciate your attention, even if you feel others don't.

Mike

[citizen1911]

Dear Hal9000,

First, applause that you made a huge effort to try - to seek new angles and opportunities. I can empathise as I went through similar phase(s) in my life - the number of countries I had ticked off the map plus a shed full of equipments from dead hobbies - I can safely said while it was fun I got no answers.

Since I don't know you, I cannot speculate if your point was a thought as a result of feeling low or a serious poignant question you ponder in spite of your generally stable and healthy life - I do hope it is the latter. The meaning of life is something so personal and extremely important when you are struggling to cope with living. 

Perhaps try to reform your life, instead of varying your external life (i.e. activities/ travel/ work), by trying other forms of change, for example, looking inward. Take on a new philosophy, emerge in a different style of thinking. Break the pattern. Face your greatest fears. Whatever it is, keep trying! Don't be dishearten!

C