My life’s been falling apart for a long time

[Ryfn]

I’m not sure what I want to achieve here, but I guess with anonymity I can write honestly about what’s happening to me.

After almost 8 years of battling my worsening mental state, I’ve finally found the courage to tell some of my friends but I’m not ready to tell them the full extent of it because I don’t want them to have to carry this darkness in their lives too.

I used to feel invincible: in my dream degree (medicine), successful athletically, and capable of talking to anybody about anything, and more importantly willing and able to help anyone I cared about with anything. I can honestly say I was living my best life: a life of ego approaching zero where I gave everything to the people I cared about.

But after the person I considered my only true friend, and the person I wanted to spend my life with - chose a path of actions that made me experience hurt more than I’ve ever experienced in my life, something in my brain snapped and it’s felt like I’ve been cut off from the ability to use it properly ever since. It wasn’t a gradual creep, it was like a switch.

I dropped out of medicine to do Commerce, since it was less rigorous and I could attempt to balance my shifting moods with my workload. My whole personality changed, my new insecurities would flare up at any little trigger and my ordinarily sharp memory has deteriorated to the point I can’t hold a conversation or recall recent events. Although somewhat ironically, I constantly wake up at 3am on work nights to nightmares of events that have upset me and am unable to get back to sleep.

I’ve intermittently sought professional help, tried all sorts of self medicating, meditation etc. but nothing’s helped me so far.

It think the saddest thing is I have no longer have any will to live. I’d never act on this, I don’t have the strength, and I care too much about my family and friends. But it’s getting harder and harder to keep my life together, and people are more aware of the cracks than ever. It’s just exhausting, and immensely painful to keep going without any drive or passion fueling me.

[fred2018]

Hi Ryfn,

Sorry to hear you have dealt with problems for many years. Without fully knowing your situation, I'll just say that maybe try seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist again if haven't already, as at least with them you can vent in private and tease out complicated issues and if need be and you can get help with waking up at 3am , as you may have experienced sleep problems can only make everything worse. All the best

[PamelaR]

Hi Ryfn and warm welcome to our forums

Fred has given you some very supportive information and I agree too, that seeing someone would be a great place to start.

Maybe going to your GP in the first instance if you haven't already done that to see what is happening to you. There may be a number of reasons for how you are feeling - best to get it diagnosed don't you think?

It sounds like you've really been hurt and my heart goes out to you. People can hurt others - either intentionally or not intentionally. I have trust issues with people and don't let many (if any) get very close to me. That's to do with what happened to me too.

Like you I don''t like to burden others with my story. It's unpleasant and I know some would find it difficult to digest. That's why I have used a health professional (generally it's been a psychologist). For the past 20 years I've seen one, on and off, to share my story and to get some clarity on my thinking about my experiences. It's helped significantly, that makes it so much easier that I don't have to tell people the nitty gritty of my experiences. Most my friends just know I have PTSD from a past trauma (but don't know what).

Being here on BB forums has helped me no end. The anonymity is so good. I can share some of what I have never shared with friends.

Using medication takes time, I also found that using medication is not the only solution. I have had to seek out a health professional, a good doctor, lead a healthy lifestyle, make changes to my friendships/lifestyle,do some journalling, meditation, exercising, etc. It takes me a holistic approach. The thing is, my PTSD, anxiety and depression will always be with me, but I have learnt to live with it and not let it define who I am or who I want to be. I've learnt to cope and to manage.

You're not alone Ryfn. Please feel free to browse our stories in the forums and to join in on discussions that relate to you.

Kind regards

PamelaR