My Depressed Husband Wants to Leave

[BookReader]

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for almost 4 years now. When we were dating and engaged everything was great. We had such fun together and loved each other dearly. 

A week before our 1 year wedding anniversary we separated as he said that there has been a build up over the past few weeks where he feels he was no longer in love with me and was not the same person anymore. At the time I genuinely thought he was having an affair. 4 months of being separated and we decided to get back together and work on our relationship and marriage. We did individual councelling for a while and eventually rebuilt the marriage.

He then fell into a similar state only a few months later but we did not separate, it was so hard to stay but I refused to go through the process again, even though I did not understand what was happening to him.

Now, about 2 years later, it has started again. And only now have I been able to see that he is potentially suffering from severe depression. He says he is unhappy in life, that being home makes him miserable, and he has nothing left to give to me in terms of love and what I deserve which is someone who will treat me right. He feels we have grown apart and have no common interests anymore and he is thinking of leaving. He is avoidant of me, does not touch me or look in my direction. And he is hardly ever home, he will go out with friends and not come home for hours.

I am trying to stay strong and be there for him but being alone all the time in the house with no one is starting to take a toll on my mental health and I am struggling to find reasons to stay. I feel so much guilt and genuinely have no idea what to do.

[Earth Girl]

Hi BookReader,

I'm sorry that you are struggling with your relationship.

I don't know a lot about relationships because I've never been with someone and I haven't got a lot of experience with friends either for that matter, but it sounds to me like your husband now feels the same way he did when it was a while before your 1 year wedding anniversary and no longer wants to stay. It sounds like you haven't done anything wrong, but he just isn't "feeling it" anymore. On the other hand, you say you now realize that he is suffering from depression which I think can greatly effect how people act and feel about their partner so maybe it is possible that the depression could be causing his feelings?

If it's not the depression causing this, it would probably be best to separate again and eventually maybe start getting back in the field of dating if you wish to and "start again something new" (I know that would be a lot easier said than done. I don't like the idea of even imaging having to do that), but if you stay when it's not the type of relationship that you want to have at all, it sounds like it's unlikely to get better and you're just going to have to stay feeling guilty when it's not really even your fault as well as lonely for a much longer amount of time. It also sounds to me like he still cares about you, but just doesn't love you in the same way anymore possibly.

This would be a painful thing to have to ask him, but do you think it might be helpful to ask him if he would prefer to be with someone else? This would probably make it easier to tell if it's the depression or not that is making him feel and behave in this way. If he did say yes though, I know that would be very hard to hear.

Would you both be able to see someone about his depression whether it be both of you seeing them, just him or just you? They might be able to help both of you find ways to live together a bit easier.

I'm really sorry about all of this. This must be a really hard thing to go through.

[BookReader]

Hi Earth Girl

Thank you for your support.

I do believe the depression is causing him to withdraw which has been hard to watch. 
I have thought about leaving and starting a new life, but he is all I have ever known and the only person I have ever been with so I feel guilty for even thinking about being with anyone else. It’s hard to accept that the person who once thought the world of me has now completely checked out.

I did ask him if there was someone else but he has told me more than once that there is no one and that is not something he would do.

We did one session of marriage counselling but he said did not enjoy it.

The other issue is trying to start a family. We are not on the same page. Sometimes he encourages having a baby but then sometimes he does not show the same enthusiasm or want for children. It’s all very confusing.

[Earth Girl]

Yeah, it does sound to me now that it's probably the depression that is causing his confused feelings and behavior. This must be such a difficult thing to go through.

Also, are you also wanting to start a family at the moment or is it mostly him who sometimes wants to start one and other times doesn't? I guess it would be best not to start one right now because it would probably make things even harder.

It's hard to know how much longer his depression will last so that also makes it very tricky. Do you still have the same feelings for him that you did when you got engaged?

[BookReader]

I definitely want a family, especially with him.

I do love him very much and keep hoping he will overcome this and I’ll get to enjoy his company like I used to. 

[randomxx]

Hi there op.

So sorry about the situation , so very hard l know.

Just on the family though first of all , you couldn't even consider it bc you'll most likely split up anyway but with the pressure of kids on top of the situation now, he'd be lucky to last 12mths. No way he could cope with that too so sadly even if you do it isn't going to be the full family for them in the future.

On the situation and relationship side of things and the depression, l'm sorry to say this and l'm no skrink so l could be 10k off here, but to me it seems in your first post there, he's already told you what the problem is and he'd already been feeling that way even back at your first anniversary. But now he's saying once again he isn't happy or feeling in love anymore, he doesn't even wanna be home anymore.

Whether that's actually what's causing his depression or whether he is actually separately in depression on top of that too, don;t know. But and again really sorry to say but just on the marriage side of things, l don;t think he could revive he's feelings again bc he's already been trying once now this last few yrs after the first time. But sadly it sounds like he's back to square one.

ldk, l just keep hearing that saying in my ears - that if somebody show's you who they are, and so in this case that's him telling you he just isn't feeling it anymore - then believe them.

Really sorry and not that you have to take my word for it but that is just how it's looking to me

rx

[therising]

Hi BookReader

I think figuring out who we are and who we're not can be one of the most taxing factors in a marriage. It's kinda like you can start off the same as each other in a lot of ways (with a number of similar interests, ideas and beliefs) but as one person in the marriage discovers what naturally depresses them or what naturally no longer satisfies them, paths can begin to separate. This is something I've found in my own marriage over the years.

A few examples that come to mind

• When once the house I live in was more than enough and offered a lot of stimulating factors, now I'm desperate for change from what has become so familiar. While I am intensely grateful to live in such a great house, I feel I've outgrown it (having changed so much as a person over time). While I like to consider living here as a 19 year chapter in my husband's and my life, as far as he's concerned it's the backdrop for the whole book. The only way I'm leaving here is if we separate
• When once our 'love language' in my husband's and my marriage was pretty much his language (words of affirmation and physical touch), I discovered over time that this is not how I love to love. I love through acts of service. The reason I mention this relates to me once thinking there was something 'wrong' with me because I stopped feeling the need to say 'I love you'(words of affirmation) and stopped hugging and kissing my husband like I used to (physical touch). I believed I no longer felt love. Could the way your husband needs to love and be loved be in the process of changing? In other words, maybe he's just not feeling the kind of love he's used to feeling as he verges on finding a different form
• When once I valued a sense of security and sameness, based on it being free from fear or intense emotional challenge, I've discovered sameness can at some point begin to have a depressing 'groundhog day' feel to it. It can become empty and lacking in emotion or the kind of energy in motion I can feel within myself as 'the feeling of life running through me'. No longer being able to sense that feeling can become depressing for some, especially when they thrive on high end emotions

From my own experience with 'the verge' (of change), it can be a place that can feel so empty, so lacking, lonely, challenging, depressing in some ways and more. It's 'the in between', in between who we used to be and who we're going to begin being, in between how we used to love and how we're going to begin loving in new ways, in between how we used to think, feel and live and how we're going to begin thinking, feeling and living. I can't help but wonder whether you husband feels like he's living in limbo, living in 'the in between'.

[BookReader]

Thank you therising,

I think you are right, he has explained that he feels he has changed, that he is a different person and he feels so much guilt for that. He keeps saying that what used to be enough just isn’t anymore.

I don’t know how to help him through it if he sees me as someone who is already in that past self of his life.

[therising]

Hi BookReader

While it can be easy for a couple to change and evolve as individuals, changing together can be so much harder. I suppose it's a matter of, with some things, 'Yes, I can see my partner's new interests possibly bringing out the best in me, if I join them in developing those same interests or similar interests' or 'No, that's just not me. I could never be interested in those things'. When is comes to the deal of marriage, some changes can be manageable and some will be deal breakers. It would definitely be a deal breaker if my husband came to me and said 'I want to begin going on romantic holidays with a work colleague'. The deal or marriage contract between the two of us involves a monogamous relationship. On the other hand, if he came to me and said 'I've changed and now feel the need for us to begin going on romantic holidays together' not only would I pass out in shock 😁 but I'd be happy to begin helping to co-ordinate such holidays. This proposal would lead me to develop the adventurer in me, the romantic in me and seer in me (the part of me that would lead me to see the best places to go).

Are your husband's new interests deal breakers? If he wants to develop the party goer in him and you're just not into being married to someone who's wanting to become an alcoholic, that's completely understandable. If he wants to develop the water skier in him or the meditator in himself, could you see yourself happily sitting on the sidelines watching him develop as a water skier or someone who could also learn the art of meditation in some form? Perhaps the toughest and possibly the most painful question of all is 'Does he want to develop with you or without you, as a married person or as a single person?'. As a married person, is he interested in leading you to develop, raising you in a number of ways?

[BookReader]

Thank you therising,

I think where it all went downhill was when I went into the wife mode while he went into the individual carefree mode. He was very restricted growing up so once he moved out he found his freedom. He bought a motorbike while I was preparing to start a family. Or he was focusing on going higher in ranks at work while I was looking for employment closer to home for when we would have kids and that mean settling for not such grand roles.

He has now decided to leave so I am now back at home with my parents. I am trying to cope emotionally but cannot help but feel that I have failed.